Is It Wrong to Ask?

Five minute Friday prompt today

Restore

GO

8 days after major surgery considering the word RESTORE I am thinking of what’s next. Being under the anesthesia delightfully ended the migraine that held me captive for 145 days straight.

I desperately want to get back to life and praying for full restoration of my body from all these months of confinement to my home with minimal travel and energy expended lest the migraine go from a 5 to a 10 on the pain scale.

I think of the verse about how God promises to restore the years the locusts have eaten (Joel 2:25), and I wonder what that looks like for me. Is it ALL that I’ve lost/missed in the past months or is it just the stuff that’s important to Him?

My prayer is that He will RESTORE the countless hours I spent in the dark, the countless dollars that we spent on medical bills and lost in income, the countless moments I missed interacting with my hubby, kids, our friends and families. I want him to restore it all.  

I know many others long for things much bigger than these and my requests may be selfish, but part of recognizing and pressing into the pain of this loss of almost 6 months is being honest about what I want restored. 

STOP

This is me in September of 2017. Before the epic migraine and major surgery. I miss her. 

Pain Sucks!

Pain sucks.

I could just leave that there and call it done. Migraine day 130.

Pain is like bad gas. One nasty fart, maybe two is forgivable, but if you sit in a room full of people and keep releasing toxic stench, they get sick of it and walk away. They may stay friends – from a distance - and try not to judge you or wish you’d just be done already, but they are uncomfortable with your pain, so they keep their distance.

You, on the other hand, are living with the stench. Like Pigpen from Peanuts, your cloud of pain is present, everywhere. Some people notice, can see the pain, but others don’t, for a million different reasons.

The pain of life is real. 

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH IT?

Here is where I give you the answer to that question… 

NOPE.

I don’t have it. All I have is my experience, my choices, and what those people around me have chosen.

How to deal with PAIN:

Ignore it.
Run from it.
Bury it.
Face it.
Lean in to it.
Push through it.
Make peace with it.

I honestly believe all these answers are right depending on the type of pain. However, each one of these are the wrong answer too.

For example:

       If you are in an abusive relationship – you need to run from it, not make peace with it.

·        If you are in physical pain (discomfort) you can ignore it or push through it, but if you are in physical pain (agony) you need to face it and get help.

·        If you are in emotional pain, leaning into it can be very helpful if you have support systems/resources around you. Emotional pain buried, eventually comes up and out like a zombie ready to destroy your life as you know it.

In this very long season of being in pain with this migraine, I have chosen to make peace with it. I have sought spiritual, medical, physical, and emotional help for it. Despite major efforts in every area – the pain remains. So, on many days, I decide to just be. In pain. The answers in the list above are the right answer for me, and some days, none of them are wrong.

A few things I KNOW for sure – Healing from pain requires community. Pain in isolation is dangerous. When we are brave and face our pain, we inspire others to do the same.

I’m praying for you. Pain Sucks.

Five Minute Friday - Pause

Writing again today with the Five Minute Friday gang. It seems to be the best easiest thing to semi-commit to for me these days.

Today's Prompt - Pause

I'm in the second longest Pause of my life. The first was our 9+ years of infertility before we had our first son. 125 days into this migraine is definitely a LONG PAUSE for a headache. Except unlike the Blu-Ray player, "PAUSE" means everything stops. Life doesn't work like that. Not during infertility and not during a migraine.

I've had bright moments - moments of fun or joy in the midst of this. I've had reminders that God is with me and this is not a reflection of His love (or lack of it) for me. This is just life. Being life. In life and living life.

I've had moments to PAUSE and remember that this pain is not the worst thing. I have friends with husbands to died, kids that died, car wrecks that destroyed careers, addictions that have broken relationships and so many more tragedies that could be listed.

This is NOT one of those.

PERSPECTIVE IS EVERYTHING.

When the flood of the pain and disruption of the life I want to live pours through, I have to PAUSE and remember to keep perspective. Find the joy (even if it means goofy unicorn balloons and party supplies for turning 47 today!). Pray for the ones doing even greater battle and press on.

STOP.