Our Anniversary is the Only Holiday We Earn

Our first decade we spent growing up, making ridiculous financial decisions, fighting, and transitioning our lives from southern California to north Idaho living. We found a church home, grew in our faith, and wrestled with the discomfort of identity crisis and infertility. We stretched in ways we did not know we could move, and we bent in places that had no joint. And we celebrated 10 years by renewing our vows with our close friends. It was only the beginning of knowing what those vows meant.

Our second decade we spent trying to figure out how to grow together despite our differences. How to lean into the friendship we built, connect on a deeper level with the dear ones around us as our prayers were answered and we became parents. Moving from the house we built together to make room for Erik’s mom to move in with us for a season, learning to live together within the challenge of navigating post-partum depression, the loss of a baby, and parenting three under five tested our relationship in ways we could never have imagined. And we celebrated 20 years by renewing our vows with close friends and family. It was another chapter of understanding what those vows meant.

Our third decade is almost over. We have spent it growing with our kids in developmental stages of parenting as they challenge and change us in new ways. Another identity crisis, more tears and choices, more transitions, overcoming and investing in the ones God’s called us to, outside of our bloodline. There are many who pray and remind us of how far we have come and how God’s amazing Grace provides for our every need, daily. Without them I do not know if we would have made it this far. Our differences remain tangible, our ability to make each other laugh virtually effortless, and our commitment to choose Love, even when it scars our souls and is unimaginably uncomfortable remains. And I imagine we will renew our vows again for our 30^th anniversary, because it still matters what those vows mean.

Five Minute Friday: WITH You

The last Five Minute Friday post for the year and I apologize for missing last week. It was my first week of school and I couldn't catch up with myself or my schedule!

But this week, I am WITH you...

I am wired to be WITH you. Not just beside or near you.

WITH you means: to be in the muck, the joy, the stench, the party, the gang, the depths, I'll be WITH you there. I am not afraid, it is part of who I am.

I know that is how God is, for me. WITH me. I don't want to be God for you. YIKES! Five minutes with me, my busted verbal filter and my crazy non-conventional faith and you'll be confident that I am not!

However, I know how to be WITH you because I've learned that being WITH someone in a pleasant or even dreadful place, is sacred. I wrote to a friend recently that she needed time to grieve. To soak in the pain and process it, regardless of the people around her ready for her to "move on" or "look at what you do have".

Sometimes the discomfort of being WITH people in their misery, grief, tragedy, despair can be scary - like it might get on you too. Sometimes it does. The remedy is the same. Showing up and being WITH someone is a sacred act of love worth doing. Because, after all, Love is something you DO.

Messy Monday: Who Determines Your Value Part 2

Last week I wrote about who I let determine my value in my youth. My parents and my two closest best friends were powerful components to me becoming who I am today. Like I said before, certainly not the only influences, but definitely transforming.

I have had some incredible people surround me in my adulthood who have shaped my understanding of my value. When my Love and I moved to Idaho before our first anniversary I had no idea how my Idaho people would become a whole layer of family I never imagined possible.

But, before that... I signed over my value to someone at the ripe old age of 20.

Back then I thought that was what you did. You lean in to the one you say "I do, forever til death do us part," and that's it. He's mine, I'm his, and that's the way God designed it to be. That is what I'd been taught, what I'd seen and all I knew. 

The problem with giving your freshly appointed spouse the power to determine your VALUE is they don't know what it means when you do that. They don't realize what happens inside you when:

• They get frustrated with you - YOU are wrong
• They are hurt - YOU hurt them
• They are unhappy - YOU are failing
• They aren't getting what they want out of life - YOU are at fault

Sometimes, in marriage, we get frustrated, hurt, unhappy, and unfulfilled and blame each other. I believe that is a normal part of the adjustment of doing life together. And even, 27+ years down the road, I can say it still happens. The results aren't the same, but the feelings are real. Emotional and physical pain have a way of stripping us down even more.

When I gave my VALUE to him and left him in charge of how I saw myself, I set us both up for epic failure. And that's what happened.

Unfortunately those feelings, can lead to pushing back and dishing the same yuck out that we believe we've received. And sometimes it feels justified. Sometimes it might be. However, that is no way to live. That is only living "... for worse, til death do us part".

When I sat sobbing in our counselor's office 20+ years in, reeling from another trauma (I believe the stats are every 5-7 years - we have found that to be true) in our marriage, he asked me why I put my husband on a pedestal. I looked back, confused. What? My world just blew up, how did I have him on a pedestal?

It turns out, when you let someone (anyone, actually) determine your VALUE, you are elevating them beyond the heights they actually live, or can live up to.

Every time I left my VALUE to be determined by someone else, I experienced a crushing in my soul that left me with the limp I have today. I believe it is here to stay as a reminder to not give my VALUE away ever again.

I am a created being. Cell upon cell, doubling, exponentially increasing and a month late for my birthday. The One I call God, formed me. Spirit leads me now, in a way like never before, and my Jesus, the Lover of my soul, is more real now than I thought was possible.

After the implosion of every pedestal I put my beloved people on, I am moving forward with greater purpose and intention to LIVE my VALUE every day. I was created with VALUE, I have the opportunity to communicate this with my words and actions.

I am free to love and be loved. To treasure and be treasured. To cherish and be cherished. The pains of being in relationships no longer cause my VALUE to fluctuate.

Let me know if I can help you learn how to experience your VALUE for yourself.

Blessings!

Messy Monday: Who Determines Your Value? Part 1

I talked about VALUE in my Five Minute Friday post last week and said I might bring it up again today because it is a HUGE part of what I believe changes and challenges to become the best people we can be. In becoming the best people we can be we need to keep in mind when and where we began to understand our value.

Who Determines Your Value?

Is it someone in your family? A parent? A child? A spouse? A friend? A lover? An ex __ ? God?

If you were raised in a Christian home like I was, where having a relationship with God was  discussed on a regular basis, your automatic response might be: "God is the one who determines my value." That's what I would have said.

Before.

Before my automatic response was assaulted by heartbreak, pain, lies, and exposure of things covered I didn't even think to look for.

The real answer comes in a long process; of discovering the things (and people) I'd given so much power to, so much of my value to, exposing the lies I believed about myself, and chronic pain in one form or another took a toll on my belief systems, and left me with a limp in my core. And I'm okay with that.

This limp I have, this is how I see you. How I hear you. How I come to know you.

I could start at the first place I knew my value was determined - My parents. But that would make for a long story. My parents weren't perfect, but they loved me, loved my sister and loved each other, even when it was ridiculously painful and hard to do so.

I had one constant friend who was strong, opinionated, cared about me, had parents that cared about me, and I let her take the lead in my value determination for a season (it was never her intent, I didn't know it either, at the time). This relationship stands out from the others because it was consistent.



Our almost 40 years of friendship remains intact and I treasure it now more than ever before. We had the backdrop of horses and horse shows, The Police (the band) obsessing, stirrup pants wearing, spiked hair styling, and parents who passionately loved us both. We grew together, we grew apart, we grew up and we talked then and now about the REAL life challenges we face along the way.

Here is what I learned from her: Don't quit. Don't be afraid. Details matter. No one but me should determine my value. 

Another key person to shape my value was a boy friend who became a boyfriend. Hanging out, talking late and cracking each other up, we were buddies. It seemed like we both knew the "right people" at school but didn't quite fit in, but we always fit together. I loved his family. He loved mine.

Once in college, a horseback riding accident of mine alerted him to deeper feelings and we became a couple. He was the first guy, besides my Daddy, to make me feel like I was a treasure to be protected and loved. We were a great team, friends forever for sure, but I didn't believe I would be good enough for him. It was sad. We were used to leaning on our friendship, and while we still cared deeply for each other we knew moving on was important.

Now, we're friends, from a distance. The kind of distance that is proper for both of us who have been married over twenty years to other people. I have tremendous peace the right choice was made, but sometimes, when the right song comes on, I can flash back to he and I in the "banana-mobile" rocking out over the healthy loud rumble of its motor.

What I learned from him: You can be a badass and be kind (he was an athlete AND a nice guy). I deserve to be respected. Relationships are better when they start as friends. Don't give up.

I had several other wonderful friendships during these seasons of life, but when I looked back on WHO shaped my understanding of my value, these two were key. I challenge you to write down what you learned from at least two of the people who were powerful influences in your life before you turned 21.

Are you wondering how I ended up with a limp in my soul? Tune in next week for Messy Monday: Who Determines Your Value Part 2.

Messy Monday: Midnight Messy, Dressin' Up and Way Beyond Me

Happy Monday! It's late for me to be writing/posting this but I've been wrestling all week with what to say, again. I have lots of material, but I want to stick with the candid transparency I've committed to. 

Midnight Messy: I haven't been sleeping much. The wee hours have been my solace and my thought sorting window. Once everyone goes to bed, I try to get my worries to clear like a passing storm and the stillness of the midnight stars center me to release the fear I've had whirling all day. But, not so much. The tidal wave of the day's stress pours over me. This cloud formation I saw this afternoon was the perfect picture of what it feels like. Except, in it, I can't see the blue sky on the other side. I haven't quite figured out how to navigate this. For now, I pray, read and color in my Bible, and wait. 

Dressin' Up: Our guys have taken to dressing up lately. This is how they dressed for church yesterday and yes, I had to threaten them to get them to smile and play nice for the picture. They are becoming their own men. Choosing to wear ties, nice polos and do their hair. We have never been the "boys in suits and ties" kind of parents. Button ups and good jeans or khakis have been our rule of thumb from the beginning. This is what they want. We don't know exactly who they are becoming but when and where we can we work to support whatever process they are in, now. 

Way Beyond Me: I've said before, this whole parenting thing is frigging hard. 

• Shut up and let them learn from their mistakes, 
• Stay close and hear what's not being said even if the voice yelling at you (yes, that's allowed at our house - shocking for some, volume alone is not an indicator of disrespect in our opinion) is off-loading what seems like nonsense,
• Be present for their process but not control it,
• Listen with my body language - don't fold arms across chest or turn away, stay open, accessible,
• Ask hard questions and be patient if the answer is not what was expected,
• Don't make it about me - impatience and anger are BIG indicators that my discomfort outweighs whatever is going on with them,
• Know it will pass - some of it will be missed, some of it will bring a wave of relief it's over
• Make peace with not having all the answers or doing it "right". 
• SHOW UP - full attention on them, eye contact, SMILE.

I'm in the middle of learning this stuff. I am letting you in on how "Beyond Me" this feels. This song, I sing it almost every day, an anthem to my inadequacy that includes the reminder God is with me in this. WITH us. PRESENT. It's OKAY for most of life to feel like it's way Beyond Me.

Join me. Let me know what you need. We are in this life together. 

Words Worth REPEATing

Five Minute Friday again. It was nice to take a break for a day from blogging now it's time to write again!

Today's prompt is REPEAT.

Some words are worth REPEATing. Like this verse for example. It's a very clear declaration from God:
I HAVE made you.
I WILL carry you.
I WILL sustain you.
I WILL rescue you.

That's something God communicated.

What do you communicate REPEATedly?

You are NOT...
You'd better...
You should... (I personally hate this one the most)
You CAN...
You ARE...

God's Words are powerful. Our words are powerful.

Should people REPEAT what you say? The honest answer for me is -- mostly.

Extremely CLOSE

Today I finish the Five Minute Free Write challenge on this last day of October.

When fall comes to a CLOSE here in North Idaho, many of us retreat to our separate nests to tuck in for the winter. Other than school, sports and necessary errands, I tend to hibernate, enjoying the cozy fireplace and the other comforts of my home. 

This year I have employment that will put me on the road in the icy weather, communicating with strangers and interacting with coworkers pushing me beyond my hibernation comfort zone. The other thing that will be different this coming year is no migraine. 

I look forward to being CLOSE to my fellas up on the ski hill because I couldn't be there last year.

I will be CLOSE to my friends and my family as we celebrate birthdays and holidays since I missed most of them in 2018. 

Finally, I want to be extremely CLOSE to my God, to my beloved ones, and to the ones God has put in my path to treasure, encourage, and support through the cold gray months ahead. This will draw me into relationships this winter instead of into hibernation. 

Thank you for joining me these past 31 days as I have met this challenge head on. I know every blog hasn't been brilliant, but it is the first time in my adult life I have written every day for 31 full days. 

Blessings to you and I will be writing again for Five Minute Friday on November 2. 

CAPTURE To Break Free

CAPTURE is the Five Minute Free Write for today. It is sparking some interesting thoughts for me.

Ever since I had an unfortunate experience of transference over 20 years ago, I have been extra aware of the need to CAPTURE my thoughts before they run away and take on a life of their own.

Perspective is everything.

I've found it's not enough to CAPTURE my thoughts, but I have to re-frame them and see with a more powerful perspective. "I am not the center of the Universe!" How something effects me isn't the ultimate guide to decision making. Right?!

Our society has cultivated a victim mindset in so many ways that its become as subtle as a whispered lie in my ear. In order to recognize and live the freedom God has given me in Jesus, I have to not only CAPTURE the thoughts that seem so real and rational but replace them with wisdom that isn't focused on my self-serving perspective.

If you aren't a big Jesus fan, that's just fine. There is still more freedom on the other side of CAPTURing self-serving/destructive/unhealthy thoughts and shifting perspective to see a bigger picture.

After all these years of practice I have developed a unique way of doing this. For more information or to schedule a free consult, send me an email at uniquelycraftedpurpose@gmail.com.

Messy Monday: Tuesday Edition, PRAY, Coffee and Flames

This week was messy enough for me to forget what day it is. I haven't had one of these kinds of weeks in a while.

PRAY is the Five Minute Free Write today. So, because I am behind schedule, I will be combining them both.

I recently started training for my new job. I am working all kinds of different hours the last few weeks. I literally forgot what day it was until last night, when I realized I completely missed Monday! A combination of 8 hour and 10 hour days, juggling the boys schedules, and even threw in a food/art/geography project.

An island. Created with Rice Crispies, Cocoa Crispies, and Lucky Charms. And according to my son, he and his class thought it was magically delicious. Though you couldn't have paid me to taste it.

What's wrong with this?

I have no idea where I found this. But I love it. #true

Nothing! The essence of why I started writing Messy Monday. An this week, on Tuesday! I hope you are smiling by now...

PRAY - often. All day. Because you can. Talking to God has changed my life. It could really be so much worse. God is not a great fairy godfather in the sky to lean on as a crutch to survive my life. It is a necessity to remind my that my life isn't about me. It's about loving and serving others in a non-codependent way (took me years to figure this out!).

You don't have to do it. But if you do, even when you're mad, you likely won't regret it. Believing that Life is bigger than the space you see hear and know, expands your ability to understand and have compassion in the big wild crazy world around you. At least that's why I PRAY.

The more hours I work the more I am completely confident this is true! I loved this. Made.Me.Laugh. I am so grateful for people who come up with this stuff. Seriously, it makes my life better - Coffee and funny coffee memes.

A seriously bad day for someone definitely reminded me why I don't like foreign cars. No, just kidding. But I was leaving work the other day and I saw this. Suddenly, I didn't think my day was so hard. Keep this in mind - If your car doesn't catch fire and melt before your eyes, your day can't be that bad...

Catch you next MONDAY with more messiness!

TALK and I'll Listen - Five Minute Free Write

I have a great friend who says, "Talk to Me!" all.the.time. But here's the thing, he means it. He really wants to hear what you have to say.

If you are saving your pain, worries, or downright fears to wait until your through them - Please don't. "If you don't tell me about it, you'll get zits," is what I used to say to my friends when I knew they were holding something back. Now I add, "or a big a__." Because it will come out sideways, zits, over eating, etc.

TALK to someone you trust. If you don't trust anyone, call a crisis line, connect with an online friend/family who cares and TALK. Reach out. It turns out, if you TALK, some of the power of the thoughts tormenting you goes away. Not all of it. We still have to deal with our "stuff".

God wasn't kidding with these instructions: "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results." James 5:16

You don't have to be hiding some scary sin for this to be relevant. Healing comes with TALKing to someone who will come alongside you and walk with you in your struggle. You don't have to be alone.

I'm here if you need me. Meanwhile, I'm praying for you.

Five Minute Free Write - ALL of October!

HOW Am I Going To Do This?!

Today's Five Minute Free Write prompt is the word HOW. (Honestly, this was pretty hard to admit to, so it took me more like 10-15 minutes to push it out of my brain/heart and into my fingertips. It was easier to post my blog yesterday of me in a sports bra and cycling shorts!

It seemed like an odd prompt to me at first... then I had this thought:

I'm sure I've literally wondered "HOW am I going to do THIS?!" thousands of times.

The first 7 years we had kids, after 12 years without, my Love traveled. Every Sunday night I'd cry as he left. Every Friday when he got home we'd be happy to see each other and by Saturday morning we were fighting (if not Friday evening) - struggling for control of the family, trying to communicate without being offended or defensive and trying to have quality family time. It was so freaking hard! Every facet of our lives stirred up this question.

Make peace with not knowing HOW. Lean in to the One who loves you. 

Every year parenting escalates in challenge and I wonder again, almost daily, HOW am I going to do THIS?! No one can warn you about this part of parenting. It has to be experienced to be understood. It is similar to the intensity of marriage but different.

The answer: I CAN'T. I can't do it. Not in my own power, with my own self to depend on for positive results. Maybe other people can. But, not me.

If I didn't press hard into my relationship with God communicating daily my concerns, fears, crazy random self-condemning thoughts, I would be a total wreck. I'm not even kidding. Clinical depression, hormonal malfunctions, insanely long marathon migraines, a husband that is the complete opposite of me, three sons who have 504 behavior plans or IEPs (Individual Education Plans), and a lifelong battle with obesity, force me to draw near to the only One who knows HOW to help me do Love, Laughter, and Life, every day even if it is hard.

Five Minute Free Write: HOPE in What?

I have been pondering this prompt since late last night, contemplating HOPE and what it means - to me. And how to capture that in 5 minutes! Yikes! But, that's the challenge I'm leaning in to this month. Here I ...

GO. 

My HOPE is in God. Theology will only get a girl so far, I've found. Relationship, built over time in victories, losses, grief, celebrations, and struggle, that is where the rubber hits the HOPE road for me. Anyone can tell me what they think of God, the relevance, crutch, etc. but no words, attitudes or worries change what I know to be true by my own personal experience. 

I grew up in the church, yes, but again, like theology, it only got me so far. Sunday school, youth group, and retreats are great, but without my own encounters with God, it would not have done me much good. 

My HOPE is that you will be willing to have your own personal encounter with God. There is Love to be found that is yours to experience. 

STOP.

I drew this when I needed HOPE. It came out of an encounter I had with God. 

Writing with the Five Minute Friday group every day in October. 

Five Minute Friday Free Write: SHARE

Writing and posting every day this month is quite a challenge for me. I seldom give myself permission to write consistently. I love it. But, I am always able to find something I "need" or my family "needs" me to do instead. Making time to write, every single day, starting a new job, juggling kids with sports, homework and the usual day to day life stuff is tricky, but it feels really good. Mostly.

Until this prompt: SHARE
What I wanted to do was write about my dog Sophie and how fun it is to share my life with her and her impact on my life. Isn't she adorable? I think so.

But no. In the shower this morning God and I had a meeting. It seems I am to truly SHARE stuff. Real stuff. So. Here. I ...

GO.

I sang my son Jesus Loves Me after he told me he didn't know any worship songs in his head to think about. I was crushed. The other two boys have an entire gigantic catalog of worship songs floating through their heads. All. The. Time. I hear their cracking puberty stricken voices singing them throughout the day. I love it. But, my youngest doesn't live with that in his head and heart. Unfortunately that begins a ridiculous bit of self crushing momologue (monologue saturated with mom-guilt) about how I've failed him as a parent. Seriously. 

And there's this. 

I am STILL trying to get validation on random things. I feel compelled to inform my Love whenever I clean out a drawer (or 3), cook a bunch of meals (or 1), play with the kids, clean up after myself and wash the sheets. Like I should get a prize for that?! Maybe I should. What do you think? 

Do I need validation from anyone for doing life? I have a good life. Some days I work harder than others physically. Other days I work harder mentally. Some days I just barely show up and get my bra on the right way. 

STOP. 

I am learning how to BE. BE okay with imperfection, singing Jesus Loves Me instead of him telling me what songs he knows, BE satisfied with a good day's work because I am, not because anyone might tell me I'm amazing. God says I am. I want that to be enough. 

And, because I can't help myself...

I must CHER once more ...

Hee Hee... SHARE/CHER... 

WHY is this happening to me?!

Free Writing Prompt Day 4 - Write for 5 minutes on this word: WHY?

GO.

We had something traumatic happen in our family recently. My heart and mind soaked it up and hit repeat, It was visceral. On an automatic loop in my head, but also all the sweat soaking anxiety, punched in the gut, smashed in the face blasting, over and over again. After about four days of this non-stop earth shaking craziness happening in me, I finally asked God:

WHY?

Looking close at anything alters your perspective.

Why am I reliving this trauma on a loop like a song I hate on shuffle in my head?

Why can't I shake the internal quaking loose and let it go?

Why does it feel like its embedded in my spirit? 

The answer came in the still small voice, I've heard all my life, "This isn't about you. It's about Me, the bigger picture, the scope reaches far beyond what you will ever see. I am sorry it hurts with such intensity. Please trust Me on this."

Then I felt the release. My heart still ached from the events that could never be undone, but, the realization that something bigger was going on brought enough peace to not obsess. The panic attacks slowly subsided and the hyper-vigilance I was living in, washed away eventually. 

Since then, I try to keep in mind that the question WHY really can't be answered most of the time. Not from an earthly perspective, anyway. 

STOP. 

Believe It!

October Five Minute Free Write - Prompt - BELIEVE

GO.

I believe so passionately in the goodness of God, I don't even question it for a second when things in my life turn super duper crappy. I know the Goodness remains regardless of my circumstances or my feelings in the moment, or the decade. Believing in that Goodness carries me and has led me through some very long and very dark tunnels in my life.

I haven't always believed this way. An amazing man married my best friend. He taught me about the Goodness of God being present. For the three and a half years I've known him, he's been consistent on this point. No matter what. Even when he's struggling, he's modeled for me that belief. He's been through some pretty ridiculously hard stuff himself, and still leans into God's Goodness. He said this to me one night when we were talking about something my Love and I were struggling through.

Everyone should have a friend like Ken. He's pretty special and my life is much better, having him in it.

Regardless of whether you have Ken in your life, lean in to the Goodness of God. It's there for you. Believe it!

Your STORY Matters

This is the first day of the five minute prompts to encourage writers from all over the world to put fingers to letters and get words on the page. I can write for five minutes. It will take me longer to edit, add links, pictures or music or whatever, but for some reason, the idea of writing for five minutes on any topic doesn't seem as intimidating as it once was.

STORY

Go.

When God created us, the plan was for us to be connected. Our stories intertwine because that's how we were designed. Your story matters to me, and my story matters to you. Why? Because you have great value and so do I.

We don't always honor each other's stories like we should.

How do you value the story of someone you don't know?

If they are rude, be kind. If they are hungry, feed them, If they are broken, bring healing. If they are lost, find them, see them.

Part of becoming a wise and kind world citizen is living as if the people you know AND the people you don't know, both have an impact on your life. We are closer than we think and when we encounter other people created in the image of the God we proclaim as ours, make space for their story. You never know the impact you may have on them, or they may have on you.

Stop.

But What Do You See?

POTENTIAL is a tricky thing. It's something people say they see in you but you don't always see in yourself.

God sees potential in us, we see it in each other and yet.seeing it in the mirror is crazy stupid hard.

But what if you looked in the mirror, right after you finished reading this and suddenly saw it.

YOUR very own POTENTIAL - waiting to come out.

Your ability to live a life of purpose and passion fulfilling ALL of God's amazing plans uniquely crafted for you. Places for you to show up. To be a light. To be the presence of comfort without words. To bring blessing into an atmosphere of destruction. Having the courage to show

up puts our POTENTIAL in play. Our POTENTIAL is revealed in relationships.

I have a friend that calls me Jennifire. I have never had anyone call me that. What she sees in me is something no one else has. The potential to burn bright for the things that I am called to. The people I'm called to. The life I am called to live. When I talk with her, listen to her, receive texts from her, something in me burns a little brighter. Her POTENTIAL is connected to mine - she fulfills hers when calling me to mine.

Be that person. Live your POTENTIAL by inspiring someone else to do the same.

The Five Minute Friday writers that show up, read my blog, and give me feedback. Thank you. You too are impacting and calling me forward into my POTENTIAL.

Messy Monday: My Happy Place, Master Bedroom, Wife-ing, and My Newest Hero

The Car Wash. It smells of rainbows and happiness. My family laughs at me when I say I'm going to My Happy Place. I can't see anything, hear anything or do much of anything in this magical sudsy swishy world. It scrubs the bug guts, road residue, and general driving dirt of my pretty white truck. Some day I will have to write about my awesomely nicknamed Mighty White. She sounds super mighty with her new louder muffler!

I was taught years ago that the first room to be cleaned in my house should be the Master Bedroom. I completely agree, but don't do it all the time. Do you always do everything you've been taught? If so, don't judge me... 

The reason your supposed to do it - to treat your "together" space as sacred. It should be free of clutter, distractions and stress. The reason I don't do it all the time - it's the place that I am safest to fall apart, be messy and procrastinate in a way that is relatively harmless.  

My "Desk"

Bed Pillow Staging Area with fuzzy friends

Pillows staged, fuzzy friends put upright, and tidiness established (in this corner).

I mostly love being a wife. My husband, he is my world. I've learned to love him in ways I never imagined I could love, forgiven in ways I never realized I needed to forgive, and worked harder alongside him than I never knew I'd need to.
We remain a work in progress and if I dedicated an entire year of Messy Mondays to our marriage I might scratch the surface of the massive messiness we have navigated together. We are hot-headed, strong-willed, and even have opposing favorite football teams (Broncos vs. Cowboys). We live loud, pray hard, and laugh a lot.

The things I do to love him well:
Choosing to keep my mouth shut, wait patiently for God to move in areas I have no control over, and live with him in such a way that I don't break the masterpiece (him) being built alongside me.

Forgiving in ways I never realized I'd need to forgive means:
I have to forgive him and myself for not being who I thought we should be. The first 10 years of our marriage I spent trying to change him into whoever I thought I should have for my husband (like I knew?!). The next 10 I spent trying to convince him (more myself) that we were going to survive raising kids together with very different family histories and perspectives. This past 7 years, I've focused on forgiving myself and him for past wounds, ridiculous fights, and the pain of not meeting each other's expectations in big ways and small.

For us, marriage is really messy work. This means:
Giving each other the space to grow, become, and expand horizons while not losing the connection in our marriage. When we are in sync, all is well, peaceful and encouraging. When we are out of sync, life is painful, overwhelming and discouraging. When we are at peace with each other and not wrestling with God over the circumstances we are facing, there is a core level peace that feels clean, tidy even - until it's not.

When we see things from opposite angles, find opposing solutions to perceived or real problems, and for me, when the slimy goo of fear pushes in like a sludgy wave of doubt over my own capabilities, strife happens. It squeezes with a vice-like grip choking my faith in us to come out of it on the other side. This is when we do the intense, stinky, gritty work of being married. We take a breath, remind each other (we take turns on this, somehow) we are on the same team and talk (or yell - just keeping it real here) until we find the common ground - what is best for our family.

We only work this hard to be married because we both firmly believe its worth doing. We also have a great counselor for when we get stuck in deep muck and can't find the high ground. We have learned to share our disasters as needed with others to encourage them to hang on and do the work, because it truly is worth the effort. The picture below is a pose we have been striking since we first got together almost 28 years ago. Looking at this picture alone might make you think we've dialed in the whole marriage thing. Ha! Nope! We just aren't going to quit working (shoveling, mopping, scrubbing...) on it.

This is me. No makeup because, like I said in Friday's post, I deal with anxiety and menopause. Preparing to go to a very fancy wedding (for people I love - I wish that made it easier) kept me dripping and hot flashing all afternoon. Also, our oldest son was going to his first Homecoming Dance and I was going to be at the wedding, not using my telephoto lens to capture every last detail of this big "First". The eyes shut picture my Love snapped makes me laugh because he caught a moment when I just didn't want to be seen. I closed my eyes. See me? Nope, because I can't see you - just like a baby playing peek-a-boo, right?!

Then, I look at my Big Boy. He's becoming a man. His growing, voice-cracking, facial hair sprouting self makes me hold my breath sometimes. Did we teach him enough? Will he be able to figure it out on his own, all these new situations and events he's facing? Will his educational and life challenges hold him back or compel him to push forward? Parenting him is super messy because he's the oldest - the one who becomes the test subject for all parenting experiments and ideas. I have no idea what's next for him.

I do know this. I love him and he loves me. He's a promise from God fulfilled, in the flesh. The goofy, loud, opinionated, Geico commercial quoting man-cub standing next to me is becoming my newest hero.

How Do You Feel in a CROWD?

I love writing with my Five Minute Friday CROWD. They are great people who have encouraged me consistently for several years.

This weeks writing prompt: CROWD.

October 2017 at Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta - BIG CROWD - no problem.

Sometimes I wonder if Jesus would have been defined as an introvert or an extrovert, I guess, officially if you believe as I do that He is God in the flesh, then He would have been both. I take comfort in that. In Him, understanding how I feel.

Since my epic migraine this year I have found myself to be much less extroverted. I don't want to be in groups of people. Even if I love them and they love me. I spent 6 months of my life so easily overwhelmed by the activity, voices, noise, personalities, atmospheres that returning to them is almost painful at times.

This makes me feel anxious.

I have dealt with anxiety for a long time in many ways for many reasons. But now, in a CROWD I feel it more intensely than ever before. I used to think it was because I was struggling with feeling like I didn't fit in or being focused on as the fattest girl in the room, but I figured out neither one of those are consistently true (but sometimes, they are).

Being in a CROWD now causes anxiety because I am still working my way back into fully involved life. The experience of menopause, daily activities, and juggling three boys and their busy schedules feels overwhelming, in my pre-epic migraine world. Add in weddings, picnics, swim meets, church, etc and the knot in my gut feels like a watermelon. Will I be able to have intelligent conversation? Will I even be able to think straight? Can I be "myself" there? My old self is different than my new self, will I still be acceptable? UGH! It keeps going...

Back to Jesus - I know I am always acceptable and loved by Him. I know He gets my struggle and if I say something irreverent or irrelevant, I will be forgiven.

But, right now, I'd rather be home, alone, or with my Love and my boys and not go or be anywhere I don't have to. And, if you see me out and about, you now know it wasn't easy to get there.

Is It Wrong to Ask?

Five minute Friday prompt today

Restore

GO

8 days after major surgery considering the word RESTORE I am thinking of what’s next. Being under the anesthesia delightfully ended the migraine that held me captive for 145 days straight.

I desperately want to get back to life and praying for full restoration of my body from all these months of confinement to my home with minimal travel and energy expended lest the migraine go from a 5 to a 10 on the pain scale.

I think of the verse about how God promises to restore the years the locusts have eaten (Joel 2:25), and I wonder what that looks like for me. Is it ALL that I’ve lost/missed in the past months or is it just the stuff that’s important to Him?

My prayer is that He will RESTORE the countless hours I spent in the dark, the countless dollars that we spent on medical bills and lost in income, the countless moments I missed interacting with my hubby, kids, our friends and families. I want him to restore it all.  

I know many others long for things much bigger than these and my requests may be selfish, but part of recognizing and pressing into the pain of this loss of almost 6 months is being honest about what I want restored. 

STOP

This is me in September of 2017. Before the epic migraine and major surgery. I miss her.