Messy Monday: Midnight Messy, Dressin' Up and Way Beyond Me

Happy Monday! It's late for me to be writing/posting this but I've been wrestling all week with what to say, again. I have lots of material, but I want to stick with the candid transparency I've committed to. 

Midnight Messy: I haven't been sleeping much. The wee hours have been my solace and my thought sorting window. Once everyone goes to bed, I try to get my worries to clear like a passing storm and the stillness of the midnight stars center me to release the fear I've had whirling all day. But, not so much. The tidal wave of the day's stress pours over me. This cloud formation I saw this afternoon was the perfect picture of what it feels like. Except, in it, I can't see the blue sky on the other side. I haven't quite figured out how to navigate this. For now, I pray, read and color in my Bible, and wait. 

Dressin' Up: Our guys have taken to dressing up lately. This is how they dressed for church yesterday and yes, I had to threaten them to get them to smile and play nice for the picture. They are becoming their own men. Choosing to wear ties, nice polos and do their hair. We have never been the "boys in suits and ties" kind of parents. Button ups and good jeans or khakis have been our rule of thumb from the beginning. This is what they want. We don't know exactly who they are becoming but when and where we can we work to support whatever process they are in, now. 

Way Beyond Me: I've said before, this whole parenting thing is frigging hard. 

• Shut up and let them learn from their mistakes, 
• Stay close and hear what's not being said even if the voice yelling at you (yes, that's allowed at our house - shocking for some, volume alone is not an indicator of disrespect in our opinion) is off-loading what seems like nonsense,
• Be present for their process but not control it,
• Listen with my body language - don't fold arms across chest or turn away, stay open, accessible,
• Ask hard questions and be patient if the answer is not what was expected,
• Don't make it about me - impatience and anger are BIG indicators that my discomfort outweighs whatever is going on with them,
• Know it will pass - some of it will be missed, some of it will bring a wave of relief it's over
• Make peace with not having all the answers or doing it "right". 
• SHOW UP - full attention on them, eye contact, SMILE.

I'm in the middle of learning this stuff. I am letting you in on how "Beyond Me" this feels. This song, I sing it almost every day, an anthem to my inadequacy that includes the reminder God is with me in this. WITH us. PRESENT. It's OKAY for most of life to feel like it's way Beyond Me.

Join me. Let me know what you need. We are in this life together. 

Messy Monday: Happy Gilmore, A Punch in the Face, and My Spirit Animal

I have managed to keep up on my Five Minute Free Write each day and today's prompt TOGETHER goes right along with what I have to say today.

I wish I could say it was a nice, restful week of contemplation and peace. It wasn't.

The reason I write my Messy Monday blog is so you and I know we are in this crazy loaded pitching machine of life TOGETHER.

Pitching machine = Life, Me = Happy Gilmore

This isn't a pity party, do not feel sorry for the challenges I am facing or the ones coming at you. Just square off and take it. Because it's not about me and it's not about you. Love each other, love well, and love like your life and the lives of the people around you depend on it. 

I mentioned in my Five Minute Friday post last week some of the challenges we are walking through as a family. I spent Saturday listening to two ten year olds plan their future like it was tomorrow and getting text messages about our swimmer son shaving four seconds off of his best time. Then Sunday, I went to work at the adolescent psych unit in our regions biggest hospital. 

Our son who was punched in the face last week didn't deserve it. He had no idea the other kid was struggling. A rambunctious game of dodge ball went out of bounds and our boy got a concussion either from the punch or from hitting the floor, out cold. We never know what the people around us are struggling with. It doesn't excuse an over reaction, but it does remind us to speak life and blessing. They need it. We can make a difference when we do. 

Finally, for this Messy Monday I needed to mention these guys:

 

My spirit animal - Unicorns (I don't have a picture but I am sure they are real), horses, zebras, big or small, make me HAPPY. My sister sent these pictures to me and they brought joy to my heart. I wish I could be one. I mean no disrespect to those who believe deeply in spirit animals, but my perspective on this is if I could be any one animal, I'd have four legs, hooves, whiskers, a big nose and a curious temperament. Well, I guess I'm almost there... ;)

Happy Messy Monday Friends! Soak it in, take the hits and try to find the HAPPY all week long. 

Five Minute Friday: PRAISE God We're Still Married!

Today's Five Minute Friday Prompt is PRAISE.

I've been pondering that word since it posted last night and honestly, all I can think of is:

PRAISE God We're Still Married!

In keeping with my commitment to transparent honesty, I've decided to be real about how freaking hard my hubby and I work to stay married.

We have fought our whole marriage. Like, our WHOLE marriage. We have windows of peace and we make each other laugh usually every day at least once, but we fight:

- How clean is "clean"
- What is important after God, each other, family and friends
- When too much is too much - time or money spent on something/someone
- Who is working the hardest - at our relationship, around the house, with the kids, etc.
- Who is in charge
- What we should spend time or money on
- Who is being too hard on the kids - we trade off, so this is always different

If there is a fight to be had, we've had it.
The main themes are: Vying for Power/Control and being Offended by each others attitudes or responses (real or perceived). This BOOK has been a huge blessing regarding being offended.

I'd love to say we'd matured enough over the years to not fight (some of the above aren't an issue anymore) but we still do. Where the maturity comes in - the recovery time. I go from. "I cannot do this for the rest of my life!" to "Well, I'm not easy to live with either!"

This verse we picked to be our life verse for our marriage has proven to be Truth in ways we never imagined we would need it to be. Guarding our hearts and minds against the pressures, temptations, pain, suffering and challenges is no small feat. When I've felt vulnerable, this verse has tucked me into God. It has saved my life at times.

Happy 27th Anniversary Erik! I'm so glad we fight together FOR our marriage. I PRAISE God for making you exactly the way you are and I am grateful you love me, exactly the way I am. I love you.

WHY is this happening to me?!

Free Writing Prompt Day 4 - Write for 5 minutes on this word: WHY?

GO.

We had something traumatic happen in our family recently. My heart and mind soaked it up and hit repeat, It was visceral. On an automatic loop in my head, but also all the sweat soaking anxiety, punched in the gut, smashed in the face blasting, over and over again. After about four days of this non-stop earth shaking craziness happening in me, I finally asked God:

WHY?

Looking close at anything alters your perspective.

Why am I reliving this trauma on a loop like a song I hate on shuffle in my head?

Why can't I shake the internal quaking loose and let it go?

Why does it feel like its embedded in my spirit? 

The answer came in the still small voice, I've heard all my life, "This isn't about you. It's about Me, the bigger picture, the scope reaches far beyond what you will ever see. I am sorry it hurts with such intensity. Please trust Me on this."

Then I felt the release. My heart still ached from the events that could never be undone, but, the realization that something bigger was going on brought enough peace to not obsess. The panic attacks slowly subsided and the hyper-vigilance I was living in, washed away eventually. 

Since then, I try to keep in mind that the question WHY really can't be answered most of the time. Not from an earthly perspective, anyway. 

STOP.