Life under PRESSURE

I had a Covid-19 test positive on November 23, 2020. Since then so much has changed inside my body, I don't have time to list it all. And no one really wants to know the details.

The PRESSURE of performing to the standard of what I was before I got sick is constant. Real or imagined (with a side order of mom guilt, of course), I fight all day to do what I once did (without even thinking about it), fight back the anxiety that comes when I realize I can't, fight forward for the positivity I know will get me through the day with the best outlook I can, and fight against the flashes of Covid-19 related PTSD that can (and at times, do) become crippling and shut down the whole day. 

There are two key components in my fight against this PRESSURE. 

Jesus and Oola (website link). 

Jesus- My faith has given me what I need to navigate treacherous mental and emotional waters in the past, so I lean in like I always have, holding on tight to the One I know Who holds my past, present, and future. 

Oola (What is it- YouTube video)- is a new word to me in the past few weeks but it has brought fresh hope and freedom that floods me with belief that no matter what I am facing at any moment, there is a stability to be found in the practical pursuit of balance in my unbalanced life. I have often said balance is BS - there is NO way to do it. But, Oola has proven me wrong and continues to challenge that mindset. 

The PRESSURE of things feeling "off" is a constant I experience from the moment of waking to the moment of sleep. This morning, while trying to decompress from yelling at my kid from my exhausted state, a panic attack, and my phone filling with text messages of things to do, I put my Oola (link to audio book on Audible) audio book on to center my focus on what I can do, today, to move forward with being me, today, right where I am, struggles and all

. 

There is PRESSURE all around us about who and what we should do and be. Sometimes, it gets to me, but now, more frequently than before, I let it drive me forward, like catching a wave and riding it to the shore. 

If you want to know more about Jesus or Oola, let me know. They are both super rad! One saved my soul and life and the other is saving my mind and body. 

WHY is this happening to me?!

Free Writing Prompt Day 4 - Write for 5 minutes on this word: WHY?

GO.

We had something traumatic happen in our family recently. My heart and mind soaked it up and hit repeat, It was visceral. On an automatic loop in my head, but also all the sweat soaking anxiety, punched in the gut, smashed in the face blasting, over and over again. After about four days of this non-stop earth shaking craziness happening in me, I finally asked God:

WHY?

Looking close at anything alters your perspective.

Why am I reliving this trauma on a loop like a song I hate on shuffle in my head?

Why can't I shake the internal quaking loose and let it go?

Why does it feel like its embedded in my spirit? 

The answer came in the still small voice, I've heard all my life, "This isn't about you. It's about Me, the bigger picture, the scope reaches far beyond what you will ever see. I am sorry it hurts with such intensity. Please trust Me on this."

Then I felt the release. My heart still ached from the events that could never be undone, but, the realization that something bigger was going on brought enough peace to not obsess. The panic attacks slowly subsided and the hyper-vigilance I was living in, washed away eventually. 

Since then, I try to keep in mind that the question WHY really can't be answered most of the time. Not from an earthly perspective, anyway. 

STOP. 

Messy Monday:Teeth Marks, Home Decor, and Rewards

This is my third Messy Monday post and it is likely to be just barely still Monday when I finish it. It's been a heck of a week. Not bad or good depending on your definition of those terms, but for sure MESSY!

Teeth Marks:  I grew up in Southern California on a hillside with tons of field mice. One year my Barbie case housed my Barbie, her accessories, and a large family of mice. We didn't find out until after the smell and the holes revealed their invasion of Barbie's space.

When I found this, in our garage, I had a flashback to my childhood Barbie case/nest. I'm not going to lie, I gagged a little.

Battling anxiety daily, I find this disturbing. Who knows when those nasty critters will invade?

Seriously though, freaking about what COULD happen before it does or doesn't is just a ridiculous waste of time and energy (see below for another example of ridiculousness), or that's what my counselor Bob says...

Home Decor: I love having a table with decorations on it for the current season (looking at this picture it looks like a sea anemone has taken up residence-but it's a beautiful handmade wooden bowl with fake mums).

I am currently re-working my business model and clarifying what I do for people when I meet with them. This re-working is happening in my head, electronically, in spiral notebooks and now all over my dining room table. I love Donald Miller's StoryBrand system, but like everything else I do, it's MESSY.

Is anyone else out there decorating for an emergency? If anyone in our house or visiting needs to run out the door, we are prepared for just about anything. The cleats, boots, sneakers and goggles are all within easy reach. Up until a week ago there was a gift bag full of tampons and a recycled bag full of corning ware. We've decided to start scaling back on our emergency supplies, I mean decorations...

Reward: #1 (Unintentional ridiculous time waster)

One of our favorite foods is Hatch Chiles grown in New Mexico. According to Pinterest, anyone can roast, steam/cool, peel, seed, and eat them. I bought some thinking I could do that! The smell of roasting them was super yummy and I felt excited and motivated to bust out some awesome flavors! Then, I cover them and let them steam as they cool. YIKES! 

Not only are they ugly looking floppy things but, if you don't have gloves and have to use plastic bags on your hands to remove skin, seeds, stems, and the veiny stuff inside, they are a total pain the butt! I did it, but honestly, they are on a plate in the back of the fridge in a baggie because I have no idea if they turned out like anything good or not. Reward of tasty roasted chilies squished and shredded like the skin of the peppers! This was a slimy, messy, annoying experience. I don't recommend it, unless you have gloves and are extremely motivated.  

Reward #2
My reward this week for surviving our man-cubs teen years was an apple fritter and a couple episodes of Jane the Virgin (the reason for my affection for this show is for another time). But, the reason for the apple fritter, I will explain.

Once you have escaped the toddler years and your cubs become school age, you can peacefully nibble on the donut of your choice without begging, pleading, crying, wailing and reminders you have to S-H-A-R-E. I did buy my cubs their own donut but they always wanted some of mine. Now, I buy the donut after they are deposited at school. I buy one. To eat with my HOT coffee. It is a rare delight worth indulging from time to time.

Being an overweight woman, buying a donut comes with a GIANT bucket size serving of shame. This is nonsense, but still embedded in my being. This will be another blog at some point. I wanted to mention it in case you feel it too.

Reward #3 

Finishing books. Man-cubs in bed. My Love sleeping/snoring beside me. Grab one from the stack of started-not-yet-finished and get it done! But this one. It bit me at the end. The challenge he threw down torqued me more than any books I've read or listened to in a while. A different kind of bucket list. I won't ruin his do-something-with-what-you've-learned punchline but, damnit. I can't stop thinking about it. I finished the book, but he "STARTed SOMETHING" in me that I have to finish now. Sigh. I'll write about that too. Meanwhile, get your own copy. 

Most of my Messy Monday points this week were about the tension I feel about unanswered stuff:

Will the mice come in the house? 

Will this new business model help me help more people? 

Will anyone in my family need to run from the house grabbing cleats and googles at the same time? 

Will I ever stop believing Pinterest has my best interests in mind?

Will the shame of buying a donut ever go away?

Will I have the guts to follow through on the challenge at the end of this book?

This week's blog is about messy stuff, not relationships. But, in my experience, learning how not to freak out at the messy stuff, helps you practice for not freaking out as badly when relationships get messy. 

Messy Monday: My Happy Place, Master Bedroom, Wife-ing, and My Newest Hero

The Car Wash. It smells of rainbows and happiness. My family laughs at me when I say I'm going to My Happy Place. I can't see anything, hear anything or do much of anything in this magical sudsy swishy world. It scrubs the bug guts, road residue, and general driving dirt of my pretty white truck. Some day I will have to write about my awesomely nicknamed Mighty White. She sounds super mighty with her new louder muffler!

I was taught years ago that the first room to be cleaned in my house should be the Master Bedroom. I completely agree, but don't do it all the time. Do you always do everything you've been taught? If so, don't judge me... 

The reason your supposed to do it - to treat your "together" space as sacred. It should be free of clutter, distractions and stress. The reason I don't do it all the time - it's the place that I am safest to fall apart, be messy and procrastinate in a way that is relatively harmless.  

My "Desk"

Bed Pillow Staging Area with fuzzy friends

Pillows staged, fuzzy friends put upright, and tidiness established (in this corner).

I mostly love being a wife. My husband, he is my world. I've learned to love him in ways I never imagined I could love, forgiven in ways I never realized I needed to forgive, and worked harder alongside him than I never knew I'd need to.
We remain a work in progress and if I dedicated an entire year of Messy Mondays to our marriage I might scratch the surface of the massive messiness we have navigated together. We are hot-headed, strong-willed, and even have opposing favorite football teams (Broncos vs. Cowboys). We live loud, pray hard, and laugh a lot.

The things I do to love him well:
Choosing to keep my mouth shut, wait patiently for God to move in areas I have no control over, and live with him in such a way that I don't break the masterpiece (him) being built alongside me.

Forgiving in ways I never realized I'd need to forgive means:
I have to forgive him and myself for not being who I thought we should be. The first 10 years of our marriage I spent trying to change him into whoever I thought I should have for my husband (like I knew?!). The next 10 I spent trying to convince him (more myself) that we were going to survive raising kids together with very different family histories and perspectives. This past 7 years, I've focused on forgiving myself and him for past wounds, ridiculous fights, and the pain of not meeting each other's expectations in big ways and small.

For us, marriage is really messy work. This means:
Giving each other the space to grow, become, and expand horizons while not losing the connection in our marriage. When we are in sync, all is well, peaceful and encouraging. When we are out of sync, life is painful, overwhelming and discouraging. When we are at peace with each other and not wrestling with God over the circumstances we are facing, there is a core level peace that feels clean, tidy even - until it's not.

When we see things from opposite angles, find opposing solutions to perceived or real problems, and for me, when the slimy goo of fear pushes in like a sludgy wave of doubt over my own capabilities, strife happens. It squeezes with a vice-like grip choking my faith in us to come out of it on the other side. This is when we do the intense, stinky, gritty work of being married. We take a breath, remind each other (we take turns on this, somehow) we are on the same team and talk (or yell - just keeping it real here) until we find the common ground - what is best for our family.

We only work this hard to be married because we both firmly believe its worth doing. We also have a great counselor for when we get stuck in deep muck and can't find the high ground. We have learned to share our disasters as needed with others to encourage them to hang on and do the work, because it truly is worth the effort. The picture below is a pose we have been striking since we first got together almost 28 years ago. Looking at this picture alone might make you think we've dialed in the whole marriage thing. Ha! Nope! We just aren't going to quit working (shoveling, mopping, scrubbing...) on it.

This is me. No makeup because, like I said in Friday's post, I deal with anxiety and menopause. Preparing to go to a very fancy wedding (for people I love - I wish that made it easier) kept me dripping and hot flashing all afternoon. Also, our oldest son was going to his first Homecoming Dance and I was going to be at the wedding, not using my telephoto lens to capture every last detail of this big "First". The eyes shut picture my Love snapped makes me laugh because he caught a moment when I just didn't want to be seen. I closed my eyes. See me? Nope, because I can't see you - just like a baby playing peek-a-boo, right?!

Then, I look at my Big Boy. He's becoming a man. His growing, voice-cracking, facial hair sprouting self makes me hold my breath sometimes. Did we teach him enough? Will he be able to figure it out on his own, all these new situations and events he's facing? Will his educational and life challenges hold him back or compel him to push forward? Parenting him is super messy because he's the oldest - the one who becomes the test subject for all parenting experiments and ideas. I have no idea what's next for him.

I do know this. I love him and he loves me. He's a promise from God fulfilled, in the flesh. The goofy, loud, opinionated, Geico commercial quoting man-cub standing next to me is becoming my newest hero.

How Do You Feel in a CROWD?

I love writing with my Five Minute Friday CROWD. They are great people who have encouraged me consistently for several years.

This weeks writing prompt: CROWD.

October 2017 at Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta - BIG CROWD - no problem.

Sometimes I wonder if Jesus would have been defined as an introvert or an extrovert, I guess, officially if you believe as I do that He is God in the flesh, then He would have been both. I take comfort in that. In Him, understanding how I feel.

Since my epic migraine this year I have found myself to be much less extroverted. I don't want to be in groups of people. Even if I love them and they love me. I spent 6 months of my life so easily overwhelmed by the activity, voices, noise, personalities, atmospheres that returning to them is almost painful at times.

This makes me feel anxious.

I have dealt with anxiety for a long time in many ways for many reasons. But now, in a CROWD I feel it more intensely than ever before. I used to think it was because I was struggling with feeling like I didn't fit in or being focused on as the fattest girl in the room, but I figured out neither one of those are consistently true (but sometimes, they are).

Being in a CROWD now causes anxiety because I am still working my way back into fully involved life. The experience of menopause, daily activities, and juggling three boys and their busy schedules feels overwhelming, in my pre-epic migraine world. Add in weddings, picnics, swim meets, church, etc and the knot in my gut feels like a watermelon. Will I be able to have intelligent conversation? Will I even be able to think straight? Can I be "myself" there? My old self is different than my new self, will I still be acceptable? UGH! It keeps going...

Back to Jesus - I know I am always acceptable and loved by Him. I know He gets my struggle and if I say something irreverent or irrelevant, I will be forgiven.

But, right now, I'd rather be home, alone, or with my Love and my boys and not go or be anywhere I don't have to. And, if you see me out and about, you now know it wasn't easy to get there.

How a 145 Day Migraine Didn't Kill Me

This pic is from Frugal and Focused. Thank you!

This is my favorite quote by Corrie ten Boom who hid Jews from the Nazi's in her family home, the only one in her family who survived the Nazi death camp, and when released at age 53, she spent the next 32 years spreading the message of God's love in over 60 countries. She's my hero. Her life changed. A lot. She knew pain and she knew God. She didn't give up.

There have been several suicides lately. Crushed hearts and minds from pain, despair, hopelessness, and/or loneliness compelled some precious people to feel like it would never change and they wanted it to stop. I have been there. Recently.

One of the best books I listened to while I was struggling through my 145 day (yes, it was as AWFUL as it sounds) migraine was Option B by Sheryl Sandberg. In it she talks about the "3Ps" -this link has a detailed description of what they are and how they are defined- I will tell you how it impacted me:

Personalization - This is all my fault. If I wasn't so damn sensitive to all the strong and loud personalities in my house I wouldn't have this stupid migraine. Once again, life has proven I am defective. Migraines, infertility (for almost 10 years), clinical depression, anxiety, and obesity haunt me daily. I've had surgery, taken hormones, blood tests, done triathlons, and I even tried to learn to ski but blew out my knee. I am fat, in pain, and an emotional train wreck.

Permanence - This is never going to change. I will always be what I have always been, no matter how hard I try to change it. Time and time again it has been confirmed that this is the way I will always be. This headache, my body chemistry, my weight are destroying my family. We will never recover from this.

Pervasiveness- I am letting everyone down in every single way possible. I suck at being a wife, mom, Christian, PTO member, and friend. There is no way that anyone will tolerate me and my mess long term. I can't think, exercise, write, pray, read, work or anything. My life as I know it and understood it is in ruins.

This is ALL how I actually felt. A LOT. No amount of faith, prayer, encouragement from my Love, my kids, my family and friends budged me from this mindset moving in and out of my thought life. My psychiatrist (who I truly value but sometimes get frustrated with) doubled my anti-depressant dosage. He was WISE. I am not sure I would have made it out of this alive if he hadn't.

When your best friend brings you the GOOD
tissue & something that makes you smile.

During the 145 days, I spent 19 days in Providence Sacred Heart Medical Center, where I had extraordinary care from kind, concerned, genuine, consistent and extraordinary people. They hated to see me go, but they did everything medically possible to get rid of my pain. That place, their staff, and the gentle words and loving way they cared for me pushed back at my 3Ps beliefs.

When I came home on February 16, still in pain, the fear that things would never change amplified. My parents arrived (on plane tickets purchased in Nov 2017!) here the next day and spent almost two weeks tending to me and my family. Their daily presence squeezed out the thoughts, beliefs and fears crowding in during the dark quiet nights.

For decades, I have known my value and identity are not based on what I do but on Whose I am. Codependency, Boundary Issues, Fear, Depression, and Fat have pushed me to my limits in every direction. But THIS, this experience, this season of perpetual unrelenting migraine pain went beyond any of those things that threatened to destroy me before.

As soon as I finished listening to the book, I knew those 3Ps were going to be a part of my healing process, too. I had no idea when or how the migraine would finally go away, but I knew I needed an Option B too. I needed to be willing to let God invade all of those lies in my original 3Ps and speak Truth.

I took those 3Ps and used them as a springboard to change my thinking. Fifteen days out from the end of the migraine (that finally ended when I woke up from surgery) and I'm still working on them. It may be a bit before they aren't the first thoughts that pop into my head when hard things happen.

I am very Spirit-minded and believe passionately in being Spirit-led. I often pray my humanity to the background and ask that my spirit come to the foreground so I can be led by Spirit. This is the basis for my perspective on this.

Jenn's Version of the 3Ps:

Personalization - I live in a world where destruction, cruelty, devastation, and pain abound from all angles and happen to everyone. I am uniquely created, loved and called by my Creator to speak Life into darkness and let Light shine through me. If I "can't" in the moment, wait, and see the second P!

Permanence - When I keep moving forward I remind myself, things always change. Like the song says, "If you're going through hell, keep on going, don't slow down...". Thank you Rodney Atkins for that reminder! My perspective, limited. My Creator's perspective, Limitless.

Pervasiveness - One crappy thing does not equal everything is crappy. I can find the blessings and beauty when I look out the window, look at my kids (even if they're acting crappy), read something encouraging, and/or find something (not someone) to laugh at. Light can be found, usually. If not, see the second P!

My Creator, my Love (who never left my side and only blew his fuse a few times), my family, and my friends never gave up on me. It's a tricky journey, recovering from a migraine that long. When it started in January, I was a different person. Prolonged pain changes you. I'm finding out who I am now, on the other side. I have been stripped down and purged of my expectations of myself. But Light is more easily found these days and the rest will come...

Thank you Corrie, hero of mine, for setting the example of being who you're called to be no matter where you are or what you're going through and never giving up. This time my pit was really deep, but you reminded me how deep God is.

Reality and 2018 Goal Setting

It's been a long year. 

Parenting sons with ADHD, Chronic Pain, and Tourette's Syndrome is a high intensity and often thankless endurance level race with no finish line. My heart hurts (with their struggles). My head hurts (from the mental endurance and research required to navigate all of this). My spirit is in fervent and constant contact with the only Resource I know has their best interests in mind. I cling to the verse, “The Lord is near to the heartbroken…” (Ps 34:18 AMP). The joy, peace, and hope are tangible too, a lovely part of being near to the One who holds us all in capable hands with limitless options and provision.

I am working as a writer/editor and coaching people to move forward in their personal and professional lives. My husband is launching a new business (Blue Sky Ballooning) as well as maintaining his full-time day job and all that entails. And parenting. A lot of parenting. Like, have nothing else on our plate except parenting. 

Our circles of friends have shrunken like grapes into raisins due to lack of mental, emotional, physical time and opportunity. Our agreement is that there is no one and nothing more important than being present and parenting these amazing people we've been entrusted with. 

We prayed and waited for over nine years to get pregnant and live this life. We are here. Now is the time. Everything else, for the most part, is on hold or in the background. The friends that support and encourage us are kept very near and the ones who we love but don't do frequent life with, we miss. 

We give each other breaks, tag team during intense moments, and check in with each other often to know when the other needs extra support. It isn't the seamless teamwork it sounds like. It is messy. Painful. It takes long talks, sometimes tempers flare and then more talking to process our next steps. Together. Staying near to God and to each other.

We make a point to connect when we feel empty of energy and frustrated by our situation knowing that we are better together in every way, even when drained.

Our goal is to raise Mighty Men. Guys who will accept responsibility for their lives, their actions, and their responses to circumstances. We are teaching them grit and tenacity by requiring them to dig deep and do the hard things they don't want to. We are involving them in our family hot air ballooning business because there is an amazing volume of education and challenge to glean in working hard, the science, skill, team work, and communication.

We practice speaking life. To each other. To the people in our paths. Because when things are hard, encouragement always helps, whether you are giving or receiving it. The boys’ favorite song together is “Speak Life” by TobyMac. They all know all the lyrics. You should hear them sing it. It’s amazing.

As I look at my goals from 2017, I realize I made more headway than I thought I did. As I consider my goals for 2018, I realize some of them need to carry over into the coming year.

I told you all of this to encourage you, as you look forward to 2018, set your goals based on who/what is most important to you. Consider the reality of your circumstances, but don’t let it be the ultimate and only indicator of how you set your goals. 

I spent the last 18 months working with a fantastic coach named Terry Gurno (terrygurno.com) who shared this format of goal setting with me. I enjoyed it and plan to use it again.

If you would like to see a copy of what my goals were for 2017, send me an email at jennifer@livecourageouscoaching.com

I’m still praying, evaluating, and considering for 2018.

Let me know how I can help you move forward. I am available online, by phone and skype as well as locally in North Idaho and Spokane, Wa. areas.

I only take a few coaching clients at a time, so be sure to contact me if you are interested so I can let you know what time(s) I have available. 

Flexibility is KEY to Live Courageous!

When the word "Flexibility" came to mind as my focus for 2016 I had no clue what it might look like in the day - to - day reality. I am not, by nature (and nurture) a structured planner but I do like to have order and systems in place.

Until it becomes impossible to keep the order and run the systems. 

I spent 74 days with a migraine. On day 75, I woke up without one. It felt amazing. Like someone broke me out of jail and I could run free - but not very far. The migraine leveled my plans for the year. It forced changes in my life I didn't' know were needed and provided a re-alignment opportunity.

I had to wade in slowly to the water of my life, living more by an outline than a script. 

I used to believe my life needed more and more structure in order to be successful and achieve my goals. I mapped out my days with chunks of time allotted for each focus and tried to keep "on track". This amplified my anxiety and super-powered my stress. I discovered I was trying to make my round peg fit in a square hole (life by script). 

Living by outline means creating a framework of focus and choosing to find peace in the details. Flexibility as a lifestyle, instead of something forced by circumstance takes a crazy amount of courage (at least for me).

I love wisteria. It is a great example of what I'm talking about. The framework is the fence and the vine grows. It requires pruning (as do I) but its a messy kind of beautiful, like my life. I show up to grow, trust the process, thankful to adapt, and be fully present in the moment.

Now I am swimming strong, moving through the water of my life, establishing a new rhythm knowing flexibility is KEY to Live Courageous! 

Living Courageous Even When the Darkness Lingers

I know I'm still in a "low" when I can't sleep at night. 

It started after my babies - in that season when you finally get them to sleep and get comfortable enough to go to bed and they wake up. So I just stopped sleeping until I'd pass out, and then of course, they'd wake up again.

Now they sleep through the night and when I'm working through something I don't. Still. 

I wrote a 3 part blog called My Black Hole, then Part 2, and Part 3 in August/September of 2014. It was the most transparent I'd been about my battle with suicidal thoughts and clinical depression. 

Now, the revelations of that season bless me and comfort me. In Part 2 I talk about depression being like a rip current. How you can't fight it, you rest and slowly swim parallel to the shore. 

That's where I'm at right now. Swimming parallel to the shore knowing I will get back on the beach soon, In the past I had tremendous anxiety about getting back to shore, almost as much as as I had being out in the ocean. 

Today, I am peaceful, not fearful. I know what this feels like. I know it won't last. I know the Light in my tunnel. and I am confident I will not drown. I sense a deep work going on in my heart. A remodel of unknown detail taking place during this time of aching. 

I will get back in the pool tomorrow to continue my Ironman training and swim knowing the process in me is important to swim through. Savoring the process is KEY even if it is uncomfortable. 

To Live Courageous! is to embrace the process even in the darkness.