Just so you know, you're not alone...

Intense seasons produce intense responses in our home. I wish I could say my Love and I always communicate with patience, kindness and grace. But we don’t. We feel all the feels and express all the stuff.

ACTUAL cliff notes of Conversations THIS week – I’m not even kidding Monday – Sunday (today):

Chores and cash –  Some chores are paid, and others are not. If you want money, earn it. Grab a shovel and hit up the neighbors for work clearing snow, get your grades up because we’ll pay you for that too. A’s = $10, B’s = $5, C’s get you $0 and you will pay us $5 for D’s and $10 for F’s. Giving isn’t optional, it is mandatory. You can do more with 90% than you realize.

Family time – Games and Growth, connecting with each other is the point, even if it isn’t your favorite game. Cell phones remain a privilege. Social media is fine. And washing your hands with toothpaste for a Tik Tok video isn’t amusing to Dad and Mom if you make said video after your phone is supposed to be put away for the night and you’re supposed to be in bed.

The damaging effects of pornography – distorted understanding of intimacy and sexuality, every guy and girl in those pictures or videos is someone’s son or daughter, real people who have real purpose and value, and many are forced into that life under tragic and hideous circumstances. The adverse effects on their brains - the chemistry and addiction centers

Creating “costumes” that are not as funny as a teen brain might consider – poking fun at anyone different is NEVER funny. It speaks to your character – what you consider funny, who you could and will hurt, and how the ability to decide the appropriateness of a specific costume idea is severely compromised by age and experience.

The difference between suicidal thoughts and really just wanting to not do hard things – If you don’t really want to die, but you feel like you don’t want to deal with one more hard thing, you need to speak up. This is super important and more urgent than you think. It means you need help carrying your load and managing your heart and mind. It is only scary if you hold it in. Once you speak it out, some of the pain actually vanishes and the rest is shared with Dad or Mom, so you don’t have to deal with it alone. If you or someone you know wants to die - this is an EMERGENCY - Ask for help right away.

What really loving someone you don’t know looks like – daily choices of kindness, words of encouragement, making eye contact and smiling, and choosing the path of erring on the side of honoring people because they matter, not because they’ve earned it.

Randomness Category – discussions about sex drive, not-so-funny memes, and things that make me laugh on the inside, but I dare not snicker a bit lest they think its okay to repeat to someone outside of our nest.

Focusing on sexual identity – students who are stating they are LGBTQ as young as 11 are to be loved and focused on as people. To be clear, none of our guys struggle with caring about these dear ones. The questions come from their interpretation of how much of life is defined by your sexual identity. The struggle, wrestling with that aspect of identity doesn’t change the need for love, support and encouragement. Regardless of how they identify, that is not how they are defined. All are dear treasures created by God for powerful purpose and destiny.

So, in case that wasn’t enough, I am late getting my paper due this week because I have chosen many of these conversations over research and paper writing. I have emailed with school staff regarding learning challenges, issues relating to the above conversations, and setting up the annual meeting for Individual Education Plan (IEP) for one of our fellas. The other two 504 behavior plan meetings have been checked off the list for this year but follow up psych testing is on the calendar as of this week and counseling still to be booked.

Almost 700 words shared on the intensity of this week and it barely scratches the surface. These are mere cliff notes and not full conversations so if you find yourself concerned about the welfare of our children from what you’ve read, be assured they are not in danger and we regularly pursue professional assistance, exercise, belly laughs, inside jokes, mostly healthy eating, occasional swearing, and regular prayers of both gratitude and desperation.

May you receive this with the purpose for which it was written: You are not alone in things being hard. They are. Relationships are full of messy and painful conversations and opportunities to lean in and connect or disconnect and walk away. We are doing our best and grateful for your prayers. Thank you for your kindness in not judging or analyzing our function or malfunctions. Much Love from the trenches!

Messy Monday: Who Determines Your Value Part 2

Last week I wrote about who I let determine my value in my youth. My parents and my two closest best friends were powerful components to me becoming who I am today. Like I said before, certainly not the only influences, but definitely transforming.

I have had some incredible people surround me in my adulthood who have shaped my understanding of my value. When my Love and I moved to Idaho before our first anniversary I had no idea how my Idaho people would become a whole layer of family I never imagined possible.

But, before that... I signed over my value to someone at the ripe old age of 20.

Back then I thought that was what you did. You lean in to the one you say "I do, forever til death do us part," and that's it. He's mine, I'm his, and that's the way God designed it to be. That is what I'd been taught, what I'd seen and all I knew. 

The problem with giving your freshly appointed spouse the power to determine your VALUE is they don't know what it means when you do that. They don't realize what happens inside you when:

• They get frustrated with you - YOU are wrong
• They are hurt - YOU hurt them
• They are unhappy - YOU are failing
• They aren't getting what they want out of life - YOU are at fault

Sometimes, in marriage, we get frustrated, hurt, unhappy, and unfulfilled and blame each other. I believe that is a normal part of the adjustment of doing life together. And even, 27+ years down the road, I can say it still happens. The results aren't the same, but the feelings are real. Emotional and physical pain have a way of stripping us down even more.

When I gave my VALUE to him and left him in charge of how I saw myself, I set us both up for epic failure. And that's what happened.

Unfortunately those feelings, can lead to pushing back and dishing the same yuck out that we believe we've received. And sometimes it feels justified. Sometimes it might be. However, that is no way to live. That is only living "... for worse, til death do us part".

When I sat sobbing in our counselor's office 20+ years in, reeling from another trauma (I believe the stats are every 5-7 years - we have found that to be true) in our marriage, he asked me why I put my husband on a pedestal. I looked back, confused. What? My world just blew up, how did I have him on a pedestal?

It turns out, when you let someone (anyone, actually) determine your VALUE, you are elevating them beyond the heights they actually live, or can live up to.

Every time I left my VALUE to be determined by someone else, I experienced a crushing in my soul that left me with the limp I have today. I believe it is here to stay as a reminder to not give my VALUE away ever again.

I am a created being. Cell upon cell, doubling, exponentially increasing and a month late for my birthday. The One I call God, formed me. Spirit leads me now, in a way like never before, and my Jesus, the Lover of my soul, is more real now than I thought was possible.

After the implosion of every pedestal I put my beloved people on, I am moving forward with greater purpose and intention to LIVE my VALUE every day. I was created with VALUE, I have the opportunity to communicate this with my words and actions.

I am free to love and be loved. To treasure and be treasured. To cherish and be cherished. The pains of being in relationships no longer cause my VALUE to fluctuate.

Let me know if I can help you learn how to experience your VALUE for yourself.

Blessings!

Messy Monday: Who Determines Your Value? Part 1

I talked about VALUE in my Five Minute Friday post last week and said I might bring it up again today because it is a HUGE part of what I believe changes and challenges to become the best people we can be. In becoming the best people we can be we need to keep in mind when and where we began to understand our value.

Who Determines Your Value?

Is it someone in your family? A parent? A child? A spouse? A friend? A lover? An ex __ ? God?

If you were raised in a Christian home like I was, where having a relationship with God was  discussed on a regular basis, your automatic response might be: "God is the one who determines my value." That's what I would have said.

Before.

Before my automatic response was assaulted by heartbreak, pain, lies, and exposure of things covered I didn't even think to look for.

The real answer comes in a long process; of discovering the things (and people) I'd given so much power to, so much of my value to, exposing the lies I believed about myself, and chronic pain in one form or another took a toll on my belief systems, and left me with a limp in my core. And I'm okay with that.

This limp I have, this is how I see you. How I hear you. How I come to know you.

I could start at the first place I knew my value was determined - My parents. But that would make for a long story. My parents weren't perfect, but they loved me, loved my sister and loved each other, even when it was ridiculously painful and hard to do so.

I had one constant friend who was strong, opinionated, cared about me, had parents that cared about me, and I let her take the lead in my value determination for a season (it was never her intent, I didn't know it either, at the time). This relationship stands out from the others because it was consistent.



Our almost 40 years of friendship remains intact and I treasure it now more than ever before. We had the backdrop of horses and horse shows, The Police (the band) obsessing, stirrup pants wearing, spiked hair styling, and parents who passionately loved us both. We grew together, we grew apart, we grew up and we talked then and now about the REAL life challenges we face along the way.

Here is what I learned from her: Don't quit. Don't be afraid. Details matter. No one but me should determine my value. 

Another key person to shape my value was a boy friend who became a boyfriend. Hanging out, talking late and cracking each other up, we were buddies. It seemed like we both knew the "right people" at school but didn't quite fit in, but we always fit together. I loved his family. He loved mine.

Once in college, a horseback riding accident of mine alerted him to deeper feelings and we became a couple. He was the first guy, besides my Daddy, to make me feel like I was a treasure to be protected and loved. We were a great team, friends forever for sure, but I didn't believe I would be good enough for him. It was sad. We were used to leaning on our friendship, and while we still cared deeply for each other we knew moving on was important.

Now, we're friends, from a distance. The kind of distance that is proper for both of us who have been married over twenty years to other people. I have tremendous peace the right choice was made, but sometimes, when the right song comes on, I can flash back to he and I in the "banana-mobile" rocking out over the healthy loud rumble of its motor.

What I learned from him: You can be a badass and be kind (he was an athlete AND a nice guy). I deserve to be respected. Relationships are better when they start as friends. Don't give up.

I had several other wonderful friendships during these seasons of life, but when I looked back on WHO shaped my understanding of my value, these two were key. I challenge you to write down what you learned from at least two of the people who were powerful influences in your life before you turned 21.

Are you wondering how I ended up with a limp in my soul? Tune in next week for Messy Monday: Who Determines Your Value Part 2.

Extremely CLOSE

Today I finish the Five Minute Free Write challenge on this last day of October.

When fall comes to a CLOSE here in North Idaho, many of us retreat to our separate nests to tuck in for the winter. Other than school, sports and necessary errands, I tend to hibernate, enjoying the cozy fireplace and the other comforts of my home. 

This year I have employment that will put me on the road in the icy weather, communicating with strangers and interacting with coworkers pushing me beyond my hibernation comfort zone. The other thing that will be different this coming year is no migraine. 

I look forward to being CLOSE to my fellas up on the ski hill because I couldn't be there last year.

I will be CLOSE to my friends and my family as we celebrate birthdays and holidays since I missed most of them in 2018. 

Finally, I want to be extremely CLOSE to my God, to my beloved ones, and to the ones God has put in my path to treasure, encourage, and support through the cold gray months ahead. This will draw me into relationships this winter instead of into hibernation. 

Thank you for joining me these past 31 days as I have met this challenge head on. I know every blog hasn't been brilliant, but it is the first time in my adult life I have written every day for 31 full days. 

Blessings to you and I will be writing again for Five Minute Friday on November 2. 

ASK - 2 Key Questions for Relationships

Yesterday I wrote about my great friend who says, Talk to me! all the time.

That same friend has taught me and my Love to ASK two questions that changed the way we communicate with each other, our kids and the people around us.

What do you need?

How can I help?

ASKing those questions when someone is stressed, angry, tired, sad, or scared communicate to them they aren't in this situation alone.

For our marriage, it communicates compassion and support. With our kids, it helps them know we hear them and want to be helpful, not against them or dismissive of them. For our friends, it reminds them, we want to be there for them.

One word of caution - Follow through. If they answer the question, be prepared to do what they've asked of you. This will build trust that you really mean what you've said, they aren't in it alone.

Five Minute Friday Free Write number 14!

But What Do You See?

POTENTIAL is a tricky thing. It's something people say they see in you but you don't always see in yourself.

God sees potential in us, we see it in each other and yet.seeing it in the mirror is crazy stupid hard.

But what if you looked in the mirror, right after you finished reading this and suddenly saw it.

YOUR very own POTENTIAL - waiting to come out.

Your ability to live a life of purpose and passion fulfilling ALL of God's amazing plans uniquely crafted for you. Places for you to show up. To be a light. To be the presence of comfort without words. To bring blessing into an atmosphere of destruction. Having the courage to show

up puts our POTENTIAL in play. Our POTENTIAL is revealed in relationships.

I have a friend that calls me Jennifire. I have never had anyone call me that. What she sees in me is something no one else has. The potential to burn bright for the things that I am called to. The people I'm called to. The life I am called to live. When I talk with her, listen to her, receive texts from her, something in me burns a little brighter. Her POTENTIAL is connected to mine - she fulfills hers when calling me to mine.

Be that person. Live your POTENTIAL by inspiring someone else to do the same.

The Five Minute Friday writers that show up, read my blog, and give me feedback. Thank you. You too are impacting and calling me forward into my POTENTIAL.

Messy Monday:Teeth Marks, Home Decor, and Rewards

This is my third Messy Monday post and it is likely to be just barely still Monday when I finish it. It's been a heck of a week. Not bad or good depending on your definition of those terms, but for sure MESSY!

Teeth Marks:  I grew up in Southern California on a hillside with tons of field mice. One year my Barbie case housed my Barbie, her accessories, and a large family of mice. We didn't find out until after the smell and the holes revealed their invasion of Barbie's space.

When I found this, in our garage, I had a flashback to my childhood Barbie case/nest. I'm not going to lie, I gagged a little.

Battling anxiety daily, I find this disturbing. Who knows when those nasty critters will invade?

Seriously though, freaking about what COULD happen before it does or doesn't is just a ridiculous waste of time and energy (see below for another example of ridiculousness), or that's what my counselor Bob says...

Home Decor: I love having a table with decorations on it for the current season (looking at this picture it looks like a sea anemone has taken up residence-but it's a beautiful handmade wooden bowl with fake mums).

I am currently re-working my business model and clarifying what I do for people when I meet with them. This re-working is happening in my head, electronically, in spiral notebooks and now all over my dining room table. I love Donald Miller's StoryBrand system, but like everything else I do, it's MESSY.

Is anyone else out there decorating for an emergency? If anyone in our house or visiting needs to run out the door, we are prepared for just about anything. The cleats, boots, sneakers and goggles are all within easy reach. Up until a week ago there was a gift bag full of tampons and a recycled bag full of corning ware. We've decided to start scaling back on our emergency supplies, I mean decorations...

Reward: #1 (Unintentional ridiculous time waster)

One of our favorite foods is Hatch Chiles grown in New Mexico. According to Pinterest, anyone can roast, steam/cool, peel, seed, and eat them. I bought some thinking I could do that! The smell of roasting them was super yummy and I felt excited and motivated to bust out some awesome flavors! Then, I cover them and let them steam as they cool. YIKES! 

Not only are they ugly looking floppy things but, if you don't have gloves and have to use plastic bags on your hands to remove skin, seeds, stems, and the veiny stuff inside, they are a total pain the butt! I did it, but honestly, they are on a plate in the back of the fridge in a baggie because I have no idea if they turned out like anything good or not. Reward of tasty roasted chilies squished and shredded like the skin of the peppers! This was a slimy, messy, annoying experience. I don't recommend it, unless you have gloves and are extremely motivated.  

Reward #2
My reward this week for surviving our man-cubs teen years was an apple fritter and a couple episodes of Jane the Virgin (the reason for my affection for this show is for another time). But, the reason for the apple fritter, I will explain.

Once you have escaped the toddler years and your cubs become school age, you can peacefully nibble on the donut of your choice without begging, pleading, crying, wailing and reminders you have to S-H-A-R-E. I did buy my cubs their own donut but they always wanted some of mine. Now, I buy the donut after they are deposited at school. I buy one. To eat with my HOT coffee. It is a rare delight worth indulging from time to time.

Being an overweight woman, buying a donut comes with a GIANT bucket size serving of shame. This is nonsense, but still embedded in my being. This will be another blog at some point. I wanted to mention it in case you feel it too.

Reward #3 

Finishing books. Man-cubs in bed. My Love sleeping/snoring beside me. Grab one from the stack of started-not-yet-finished and get it done! But this one. It bit me at the end. The challenge he threw down torqued me more than any books I've read or listened to in a while. A different kind of bucket list. I won't ruin his do-something-with-what-you've-learned punchline but, damnit. I can't stop thinking about it. I finished the book, but he "STARTed SOMETHING" in me that I have to finish now. Sigh. I'll write about that too. Meanwhile, get your own copy. 

Most of my Messy Monday points this week were about the tension I feel about unanswered stuff:

Will the mice come in the house? 

Will this new business model help me help more people? 

Will anyone in my family need to run from the house grabbing cleats and googles at the same time? 

Will I ever stop believing Pinterest has my best interests in mind?

Will the shame of buying a donut ever go away?

Will I have the guts to follow through on the challenge at the end of this book?

This week's blog is about messy stuff, not relationships. But, in my experience, learning how not to freak out at the messy stuff, helps you practice for not freaking out as badly when relationships get messy.