Messy Monday: Listen Closely, They're Worth It

When your kid has a meltdown, what do you do? Do you shut it down? Send them to their room? Hear them out?

My Love and I work hard to hear them out. We attempt to listen between the lines for their heart struggle beyond the extreme emotions being expressed. The temptation to shut them down because the timing of their meltdown is inconvenient or annoying can be hard to resist. We believe the act of choosing relationship with them, even when they are “messy” is a consistent conscious effort worth making. They each have legitimate stress in their lives putting excess pressure on them. It is no wonder it falls out, at the end of a long day or in the early morning worries.  All three of our sons have been bullied, belittled, and told they make life harder for the people around them.

The crazy thing is, most of the people communicating this are ADULTS. It’s shocking how many adults don’t want to accept responsibility for their own behavior/decisions and put it off on kids. Our boys, who have been knocked unconscious by another kid, stalked relentlessly by a peer, and be targeted by impatient teachers (often substitutes) for being themselves, are learning how to be tough AND kind. Protective AND respectful. Gracious AND holding someone accountable for their actions.

These challenges are not unique to them. We make that point often. But, I pray, that by sharing this, someone will give an emotional teen or pre-teen an opportunity to off load their stress, listen between the lines, and be a supportive adult instead of expecting a kid to make things easier on the grown up with decades more life experience and hopefully, maturity.

Messy Monday: Who Determines Your Value? Part 1

I talked about VALUE in my Five Minute Friday post last week and said I might bring it up again today because it is a HUGE part of what I believe changes and challenges to become the best people we can be. In becoming the best people we can be we need to keep in mind when and where we began to understand our value.

Who Determines Your Value?

Is it someone in your family? A parent? A child? A spouse? A friend? A lover? An ex __ ? God?

If you were raised in a Christian home like I was, where having a relationship with God was  discussed on a regular basis, your automatic response might be: "God is the one who determines my value." That's what I would have said.

Before.

Before my automatic response was assaulted by heartbreak, pain, lies, and exposure of things covered I didn't even think to look for.

The real answer comes in a long process; of discovering the things (and people) I'd given so much power to, so much of my value to, exposing the lies I believed about myself, and chronic pain in one form or another took a toll on my belief systems, and left me with a limp in my core. And I'm okay with that.

This limp I have, this is how I see you. How I hear you. How I come to know you.

I could start at the first place I knew my value was determined - My parents. But that would make for a long story. My parents weren't perfect, but they loved me, loved my sister and loved each other, even when it was ridiculously painful and hard to do so.

I had one constant friend who was strong, opinionated, cared about me, had parents that cared about me, and I let her take the lead in my value determination for a season (it was never her intent, I didn't know it either, at the time). This relationship stands out from the others because it was consistent.



Our almost 40 years of friendship remains intact and I treasure it now more than ever before. We had the backdrop of horses and horse shows, The Police (the band) obsessing, stirrup pants wearing, spiked hair styling, and parents who passionately loved us both. We grew together, we grew apart, we grew up and we talked then and now about the REAL life challenges we face along the way.

Here is what I learned from her: Don't quit. Don't be afraid. Details matter. No one but me should determine my value. 

Another key person to shape my value was a boy friend who became a boyfriend. Hanging out, talking late and cracking each other up, we were buddies. It seemed like we both knew the "right people" at school but didn't quite fit in, but we always fit together. I loved his family. He loved mine.

Once in college, a horseback riding accident of mine alerted him to deeper feelings and we became a couple. He was the first guy, besides my Daddy, to make me feel like I was a treasure to be protected and loved. We were a great team, friends forever for sure, but I didn't believe I would be good enough for him. It was sad. We were used to leaning on our friendship, and while we still cared deeply for each other we knew moving on was important.

Now, we're friends, from a distance. The kind of distance that is proper for both of us who have been married over twenty years to other people. I have tremendous peace the right choice was made, but sometimes, when the right song comes on, I can flash back to he and I in the "banana-mobile" rocking out over the healthy loud rumble of its motor.

What I learned from him: You can be a badass and be kind (he was an athlete AND a nice guy). I deserve to be respected. Relationships are better when they start as friends. Don't give up.

I had several other wonderful friendships during these seasons of life, but when I looked back on WHO shaped my understanding of my value, these two were key. I challenge you to write down what you learned from at least two of the people who were powerful influences in your life before you turned 21.

Are you wondering how I ended up with a limp in my soul? Tune in next week for Messy Monday: Who Determines Your Value Part 2.

WHEN Do You Live Your Dreams?

Today's prompt has so many possibilities on where to take it.

One of the things I've been asked the most often since my Love has been a hot air balloon pilot is WHEN do you get to live your dreams?

Here's the thing:

I am.

I have dreamed of having a husband, a family, a family sport/focus my whole life. I love horses and I have always wanted to get back into that, but I am not missing anything - or any part of me. WHEN I'm driving the chase truck, predicting where he's headed next, getting the truck and trailer into and out of crazy places, figuring out how to pack out the balloon from a barbed wire fenced field without damaging it or us, and backing up the trailer like a bad ass I am living my dreams.

***********

WHEN I wept over infertility, lost our baby, decided to do a triathlon or five, my friends were there. One in particular is on my mind today. It's her birthday and I can't stop thinking about her impact on my life. She's always supported, encouraged and told me the truth. She has taught me it's not about how you feel about something, its about what you are committed to. She inspires me to be better. I dreamed of that. Having people in my life to push me to be the best me WHEN I want to quit on what's important to me.

WHEN you surround yourself with people who love you, encourage you, and inspire you, you ARE living your dreams. Every.day.

Five Minute Free Write: The Gift Of A Door

 These pictures are of DOORs. Open and closed. Focus on the DOOR? How can you? Are the people in front of it, behind it, beside it distracting you?

The point of the DOOR is who you let in and who you let out.

Unforgiveness locks the one who hurt you behind the DOOR with you. Both of you trapped inside the darkness in the closet of pain. Forgiveness opens the DOOR and makes you stronger in the choosing. You might even become a super hero if you keep up the consistent work of forgiving those who hurt you.



Sometimes, as a hero, you need a helmet. To guard your mind and your head from bonking it on a DOOR that could be closed by someone else (like a cranky mischievous brother). Protecting your mind from negative thinking when DOORs close on you, it may feel like the worst thing that happens, but likely something better is coming along. you just don't see it yet.




Sometimes a DOOR is a shield. Protecting you and others from seeing, doing or saying something that shouldn't be seen, done or said. I felt like that in a wet suit. You can't unsee it, its hard to put on and you best say nothing about how hot I look in it!

A DOOR is a gift. Don't be afraid if it's closed or if it's open. Focus on WHO matters inside and outside the DOOR. It's you and your people.

Your STORY Matters

This is the first day of the five minute prompts to encourage writers from all over the world to put fingers to letters and get words on the page. I can write for five minutes. It will take me longer to edit, add links, pictures or music or whatever, but for some reason, the idea of writing for five minutes on any topic doesn't seem as intimidating as it once was.

STORY

Go.

When God created us, the plan was for us to be connected. Our stories intertwine because that's how we were designed. Your story matters to me, and my story matters to you. Why? Because you have great value and so do I.

We don't always honor each other's stories like we should.

How do you value the story of someone you don't know?

If they are rude, be kind. If they are hungry, feed them, If they are broken, bring healing. If they are lost, find them, see them.

Part of becoming a wise and kind world citizen is living as if the people you know AND the people you don't know, both have an impact on your life. We are closer than we think and when we encounter other people created in the image of the God we proclaim as ours, make space for their story. You never know the impact you may have on them, or they may have on you.

Stop.

COMPLETE yet?

I love Fridays. It's actually my favorite day of the week. It's always been like this. It didn't matter if I worked, went to school, stayed home, Friday is my favorite!

Here is my Five Minute Friday writing for this week.

The word this week is COMPLETE.

START:

This made me laugh. Talk about COMPLETE instructions.

What instructions are you following? I want to be me. COMPLETEly me. A natural born people pleaser, I have discovered more this year, when my ability to perform to any kind of "standard" I might set for myself or anyone else might try to set for me, I fail. COMPLETEly.

I'm not the me I used to recognize easily in the mirror. A couple of years ago I saw this in a store window and I bought it. It's a recycled bag. It still speaks to me. There is nothing wrong with being regular. I like regular, but for me to be COMPLETE it's gotta be like this:

I'm embracing the messy (see Messy Monday posts) of life with both arms wide open. Finding balance pressing in to the challenges of life then giving myself space to rest then getting back "out there" finally makes me feel COMPLETE.

"Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and COMPLETE, not lacking anything." (James 1:4)

No further instructions needed.

If you haven't found your COMPLETE yet. Not to worry. You will.

If you need help. Let me know.

STOP.

Five Minute Friday: Truth

I always love to write with the great people on Five Minute Friday. If you want to know more about this fab group who bust out 26 letters in all forms and directions based on a one word prompt...
Click HERE...

Meanwhile... this week the word is TRUTH.

Five minutes on TRUTH... okay, here goes...

What comes to mind when I think of the word TRUTH is the sign in this picture.

I want to. Sometimes. Quit. But to what avail?

And Quit what?!

Quit life, love, people, donuts, baseball, noisy theme parks, bathing suits, and broccoli?

Nope.

TRUTH is... I want to be free. Free NOT to quit any of those things. I want to enjoy them all.

Especially bathing suits, on me. Not perfection, but nothing falling, hanging or jiggling out of place. And since I do eat more broccoli than donuts, that should be good.

The white letters say DO IT.

And I will. Despite the jiggle, falling or hanging. Despite broccoli sticking to teeth and donuts sticking to thighs, baseball games that seem dull to others but awesome to me, and noisy theme parks that bring laughter and keep me from taking myself too seriously when I scream like a girl half my age until I can hardly speak.

TRUTH is .. LIFE, LOVE, and PEOPLE are worth it. So I won't quit.