Last week I wrote about who I let determine my value in my youth. My parents and my two closest best friends were powerful components to me becoming who I am today. Like I said before, certainly not the only influences, but definitely transforming.
I have had some incredible people surround me in my adulthood who have shaped my understanding of my value. When my Love and I moved to Idaho before our first anniversary I had no idea how my Idaho people would become a whole layer of family I never imagined possible.
But, before that... I signed over my value to someone at the ripe old age of 20.
Back then I thought that was what you did. You lean in to the one you say "I do, forever til death do us part," and that's it. He's mine, I'm his, and that's the way God designed it to be. That is what I'd been taught, what I'd seen and all I knew.
The problem with giving your freshly appointed spouse the power to determine your VALUE is they don't know what it means when you do that. They don't realize what happens inside you when:
- They get frustrated with you - YOU are wrong
- They are hurt - YOU hurt them
- They are unhappy - YOU are failing
- They aren't getting what they want out of life - YOU are at fault
Sometimes, in marriage, we get frustrated, hurt, unhappy, and unfulfilled and blame each other. I believe that is a normal part of the adjustment of doing life together. And even, 27+ years down the road, I can say it still happens. The results aren't the same, but the feelings are real. Emotional and physical pain have a way of stripping us down even more.
When I gave my VALUE to him and left him in charge of how I saw myself, I set us both up for epic failure. And that's what happened.
Unfortunately those feelings, can lead to pushing back and dishing the same yuck out that we believe we've received. And sometimes it feels justified. Sometimes it might be. However, that is no way to live. That is only living "... for worse, til death do us part".
When I sat sobbing in our counselor's office 20+ years in, reeling from another trauma (I believe the stats are every 5-7 years - we have found that to be true) in our marriage, he asked me why I put my husband on a pedestal. I looked back, confused. What? My world just blew up, how did I have him on a pedestal?
It turns out, when you let someone (anyone, actually) determine your VALUE, you are elevating them beyond the heights they actually live, or can live up to.
Every time I left my VALUE to be determined by someone else, I experienced a crushing in my soul that left me with the limp I have today. I believe it is here to stay as a reminder to not give my VALUE away ever again.
I am a created being. Cell upon cell, doubling, exponentially increasing and a month late for my birthday. The One I call God, formed me. Spirit leads me now, in a way like never before, and my Jesus, the Lover of my soul, is more real now than I thought was possible.
After the implosion of every pedestal I put my beloved people on, I am moving forward with greater purpose and intention to LIVE my VALUE every day. I was created with VALUE, I have the opportunity to communicate this with my words and actions.
I am free to love and be loved. To treasure and be treasured. To cherish and be cherished. The pains of being in relationships no longer cause my VALUE to fluctuate.
Let me know if I can help you learn how to experience your VALUE for yourself.
Blessings!
