Saturday, October 6, 2018

Where Do You BELONG?

Today's Prompt is the word BELONG. In October I am doing 31 Days Free Write for 5 Minutes.

Beginning in January I spent 19 days admitted to one of our regions hospitals, Sacred Heart Medical Center, for a migraine that didn't go away until early June. I was treated with extraordinary care, kindness, patience, and compassion, with consistency I have never experienced in any organization before. They made me feel like my individual care mattered to them. Every day, every night, and every time in between, the staff were there for me. There are still many stories to be told about this window of my pain season, but one of the most surprising highlights of those days of agony was spent in the care of the most loving place I've ever been outside of family and friends. 


The view from my window on the neurology unit.

Now, I BELONG there. Mid July I logged in to their website to pay my bill/update my financial aid request and I saw the link for Job Opportunities. I clicked, uploaded my resume' and said a prayer. October 1, I started working for the place that gave me a sanctuary in my agony. I hope to do the same for others. 

Friday, October 5, 2018

Five Minute Friday Free Write: SHARE

Writing and posting every day this month is quite a challenge for me. I seldom give myself permission to write consistently. I love it. But, I am always able to find something I "need" or my family "needs" me to do instead. Making time to write, every single day, starting a new job, juggling kids with sports, homework and the usual day to day life stuff is tricky, but it feels really good. Mostly.

Until this prompt: SHARE
What I wanted to do was write about my dog Sophie and how fun it is to share my life with her and her impact on my life. Isn't she adorable? I think so.
But no. In the shower this morning God and I had a meeting. It seems I am to truly SHARE stuff. Real stuff. So. Here. I ...

GO.

I sang my son Jesus Loves Me after he told me he didn't know any worship songs in his head to think about. I was crushed. The other two boys have an entire gigantic catalog of worship songs floating through their heads. All. The. Time. I hear their cracking puberty stricken voices singing them throughout the day. I love it. But, my youngest doesn't live with that in his head and heart. Unfortunately that begins a ridiculous bit of self crushing momologue (monologue saturated with mom-guilt) about how I've failed him as a parent. Seriously. 

And there's this. 

I am STILL trying to get validation on random things. I feel compelled to inform my Love whenever I clean out a drawer (or 3), cook a bunch of meals (or 1), play with the kids, clean up after myself and wash the sheets. Like I should get a prize for that?! Maybe I should. What do you think? 

Do I need validation from anyone for doing life? I have a good life. Some days I work harder than others physically. Other days I work harder mentally. Some days I just barely show up and get my bra on the right way. 

STOP. 

I am learning how to BE. BE okay with imperfection, singing Jesus Loves Me instead of him telling me what songs he knows, BE satisfied with a good day's work because I am, not because anyone might tell me I'm amazing. God says I am. I want that to be enough. 

And, because I can't help myself...
I must CHER once more ...
Hee Hee... SHARE/CHER... 

Thursday, October 4, 2018

WHY is this happening to me?!

Free Writing Prompt Day 4 - Write for 5 minutes on this word: WHY?

GO.

We had something traumatic happen in our family recently. My heart and mind soaked it up and hit repeat, It was visceral. On an automatic loop in my head, but also all the sweat soaking anxiety, punched in the gut, smashed in the face blasting, over and over again. After about four days of this non-stop earth shaking craziness happening in me, I finally asked God:

WHY?
Looking close at anything alters your perspective.

Why am I reliving this trauma on a loop like a song I hate on shuffle in my head?

Why can't I shake the internal quaking loose and let it go?

Why does it feel like its embedded in my spirit? 

The answer came in the still small voice, I've heard all my life, "This isn't about you. It's about Me, the bigger picture, the scope reaches far beyond what you will ever see. I am sorry it hurts with such intensity. Please trust Me on this."

Then I felt the release. My heart still ached from the events that could never be undone, but, the realization that something bigger was going on brought enough peace to not obsess. The panic attacks slowly subsided and the hyper-vigilance I was living in, washed away eventually. 

Since then, I try to keep in mind that the question WHY really can't be answered most of the time. Not from an earthly perspective, anyway. 

STOP. 


Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Believe It!

October Five Minute Free Write - Prompt - BELIEVE

GO.

I believe so passionately in the goodness of God, I don't even question it for a second when things in my life turn super duper crappy. I know the Goodness remains regardless of my circumstances or my feelings in the moment, or the decade. Believing in that Goodness carries me and has led me through some very long and very dark tunnels in my life.

I haven't always believed this way. An amazing man married my best friend. He taught me about the Goodness of God being present. For the three and a half years I've known him, he's been consistent on this point. No matter what. Even when he's struggling, he's modeled for me that belief. He's been through some pretty ridiculously hard stuff himself, and still leans into God's Goodness. He said this to me one night when we were talking about something my Love and I were struggling through.

Everyone should have a friend like Ken. He's pretty special and my life is much better, having him in it.

Regardless of whether you have Ken in your life, lean in to the Goodness of God. It's there for you. Believe it!

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

31 Days of 5 Minute Free Write: Afraid

It's the wee hours. I hear him banging around downstairs. I'm too tired to move. I fall back to sleep. The noise wakes me up again. I drag myself out of bed to confront the kid who didn't resist temptation to play the Xbox. I forgot to put the controllers away. He couldn't stop himself.

I send him back to bed and climb back into mine. As I lay there, thoughts race through my head. What else am I missing? What happens if the game isn't all he's looking at? What if a Creeper decides to hunt down my kid?

The icy cold fear shivers through my being as I think of the possible scenarios that could impact any one or all of our three sons. I cry out from my heart: "God, I am SO AFRAID! Why can't I just trust You with them? This hyper-vigilance is going to ruin me and them. I have to sleep!"

I fall into a troubled sleep. Wake up before my alarm, shower, dress, and get to work. 

Fear based parenting never works. Ever. I cannot be AFRAID to make a mistake, let something slip past me or be AFRAID they will make a mistake. It has to happen. 

Some how. Some way. I have to let go. Again.

Monday, October 1, 2018

Your STORY Matters

This is the first day of the five minute prompts to encourage writers from all over the world to put fingers to letters and get words on the page. I can write for five minutes. It will take me longer to edit, add links, pictures or music or whatever, but for some reason, the idea of writing for five minutes on any topic doesn't seem as intimidating as it once was.

STORY

Go.

When God created us, the plan was for us to be connected. Our stories intertwine because that's how we were designed. Your story matters to me, and my story matters to you. Why? Because you have great value and so do I.

We don't always honor each other's stories like we should.

How do you value the story of someone you don't know?

If they are rude, be kind. If they are hungry, feed them, If they are broken, bring healing. If they are lost, find them, see them.

Part of becoming a wise and kind world citizen is living as if the people you know AND the people you don't know, both have an impact on your life. We are closer than we think and when we encounter other people created in the image of the God we proclaim as ours, make space for their story. You never know the impact you may have on them, or they may have on you.

Stop.

Messy Monday; Candy Corn, Making A Difference, and Being Mean

I am eating slowly but I didn't count our a serving size.
Today's Messy Monday is brought to you by a slightly over-wound middle aged woman huffing the lavender mist being released by her diffuser, intentionally nibbling candy corn instead of gorging on it like feed corn in a trough (I LOVE candy corn), while sitting criss-cross-applesauce next to the dog on the bed.

Thinking about this past week I am more than a little disturbed. There is a lot of messy happening in our world, country, states and cities.

The world messiness I pray for often but don't feel there is a lot of impact I can make, Nationally, I am heartbroken by what's happening in our conversations concerning predators, offenders, and victims. While I can pray for an appropriate outcome for those in the public eye, I choose to dial in to the difference I can make here, in my home, community, and sphere of influence.

We need to SEE each other and HEAR each other. When you see someone in trouble, do you get involved or stay out of it? Do you ask questions or back away slowly? Do you respond with compassion?

Sometimes I feel this surge of confidence as I walk right into an obviously tense situation and say, "May I help you?", other times, I step aside, pray, watch and wait for the nudge to move forward into the area of concern or the peace to step away. I have never been particularly compassionate. I care about people and I prefer to shoot straight instead of politely, gently, cautiously, causing you to consider you might want to think about a different course of action.

Before I started my business (I'll add the link when my new website goes live, but message me in the meantime if you want to know more), I was teased by my co-workers about naming it "Kick Ass Coaching", We regularly laughed about it because, even though I may not always be warm and fuzzy about telling you the truth or asking hard questions, you always know I care too much about you to feed you any flavor of nonsense whipped like cotton candy and served on a stick.

I have no idea where this came from but I LOVE it!
I'd love to know where it originated because it's awesome!
A pastor I once served with talked about how important it was to have mean friends. That's me. I'm the mean friend. The one that sticks to your face, looks you in the eye and regularly reminds you of how amazing you are and how much possibility and hope remains to be experienced

What if the women (and men) who experienced these crazy awful situations had a friend who would not only be safe enough to hear their story, but strong enough to hold them tight and remind them they can speak up, speak out, and they would walk beside them through the whole process? Could you be that kind of friend? What if we did that for each other?


 I am also a mean mom. So mean, I make my kids hang up uniform shirts, give them grief about socks with their sandals and I don't run out an buy them a tie when they've decided to do a "dress up competition" several days in a row with another kid in their grade, no matter how bad they want to win.


And finally, this. Yes, take pills if you need them. Some of us would be a WHOLE LOT MESSIER if we didn't take the vitamins, hormones, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-seizure, high blood pressure, or happy pills available to care for bodies and minds.

To get spiritual about this meme:We don't struggle against flesh and blood but against the powers of darkness (Eph 6:12) so the world I'm flipping off is the darkness that would try to suck me in to its vortex of discouragement, hopelessness, and a complete bag of candy corn.