Our Anniversary is the Only Holiday We Earn

Our first decade we spent growing up, making ridiculous financial decisions, fighting, and transitioning our lives from southern California to north Idaho living. We found a church home, grew in our faith, and wrestled with the discomfort of identity crisis and infertility. We stretched in ways we did not know we could move, and we bent in places that had no joint. And we celebrated 10 years by renewing our vows with our close friends. It was only the beginning of knowing what those vows meant.

Our second decade we spent trying to figure out how to grow together despite our differences. How to lean into the friendship we built, connect on a deeper level with the dear ones around us as our prayers were answered and we became parents. Moving from the house we built together to make room for Erik’s mom to move in with us for a season, learning to live together within the challenge of navigating post-partum depression, the loss of a baby, and parenting three under five tested our relationship in ways we could never have imagined. And we celebrated 20 years by renewing our vows with close friends and family. It was another chapter of understanding what those vows meant.

Our third decade is almost over. We have spent it growing with our kids in developmental stages of parenting as they challenge and change us in new ways. Another identity crisis, more tears and choices, more transitions, overcoming and investing in the ones God’s called us to, outside of our bloodline. There are many who pray and remind us of how far we have come and how God’s amazing Grace provides for our every need, daily. Without them I do not know if we would have made it this far. Our differences remain tangible, our ability to make each other laugh virtually effortless, and our commitment to choose Love, even when it scars our souls and is unimaginably uncomfortable remains. And I imagine we will renew our vows again for our 30^th anniversary, because it still matters what those vows mean.

Opposites Attract - An Essay

I am in school studying for my Bachelor of Science degree in Healthcare Administration and Management through Colorado State University - Global. My Applied Leadership Principles class has been very interesting and challenging. This essay earned me 100% but more than that, it really caused me to dial in tight to the perspective of how important it is my Love and I work together to raise our sons. (the highlighted parts are apparently where I copied and pasted and it shows up on this background, sorry about that.)

Opposites Attract – Management and Leadership at Home

Jennifer Bogdanowicz

18 WB (ORG300-10) – Applying Leadership Principles

 Colorado State University – Global Campus

January 27, 2019

 Opposites Attract – Management and Leadership at Home

We have been married for over 27 years. We are opposite in almost every way. We have a few things we are passionate about together and that is our middle ground. We agreed years ago to prioritize our marriage first, raising our sons, flying hot air balloons, and serving our community. We give generously, fight hard and laugh even harder.  We combine our efforts and extremely different skill sets to manage and to lead in our home. We have agreed we want to create a family culture of empowerment, encouragement and resilience. The way we approach the creation of that culture is extremely different.

I appreciated the plows vs. bulldozers analogy because it paints an accurate picture of our contrasting management and leadership styles (Rao, 2016). Erik’s bulldozer-like ability to power through resistance and obstacles is effective and gets the job done. There is a clarity and intensity to his purpose and focus that I admire. His hard leadership skills increase pressure, production, and perseverance to get to the desired result. My soft leadership skills bring a cultivating perspective, like a plow drawing to the surface great potential for positive, transformative, and creative results (Rao, 2016).

Management

Erik exercises executive, administrative, and supervisory direction of our family (Bârgau, 2015). When it comes to empowering, encouraging, and building resilience in our sons, he is very clear about his expectations and specific about the goals to be achieved. He manages our budget, researches and shops carefully for necessary equipment for our family, studies for his commercial pilots license and somehow manages to get our laundry done too. He finishes every task he starts. He believes “early is on time and on time is late.” He is methodical about teaching our sons how to work our hot air balloon burners, fan, and other flight equipment. He is precise when it comes to repairs and adjustments needed in our home. He expects the boys to do a thorough job of every task they are assigned. If they don’t meet his standard, there is a price to be paid. There is no cruelty, only accountability and follow through. The pressure to produce quality men who will take responsibility for themselves and their families weighs heavy on him. He is also an excellent teacher at our local mountain’s free ski school and was awarded Instructor of the Year two years ago. On the mountain I’ve heard him use soft and hard leadership techniques that could also be utilized more at home.

He consistently provides opportunities for our sons to advance in learning, take calculated risks and keep moving forward even when it’s hard. I particularly valued the insight about the benefits of high involvement management practices of information sharing, power sharing, skill development, and recognition that improve employee commitment because, while our boys aren’t his employees, that is what it looks like in our home (Doucet, Lapalme, Simard, & Tremblay, 2015). This stretches his soft leadership skills and has continued to be an opportunity for growth. For example, he took each of our sons on a ski trip in 5^th grade. They discussed when, where, and what they would need to do to be at the skill level they would need to be to ski whatever runs they wanted. Each trip was both a challenge and reward for each son and their dad.

Leadership

I lead with the soft leadership skills mentioned by Rao (2016). I see our sons and their time in our home as precious and factor in their personality, behaviors, and attitudes in my instructions to them frequently. It is important to me that they recognize the value of their contribution to our family life. I believe time needs to be used wisely, but must be flexible to accommodate communication needs. I collaborate with them, teach creative ways to approach and accomplish tasks, and focus on the long term results I pray for – wise, kind, respectful men who will care passionately about their wives, families and community.

I cultivate empowerment, encouragement and resilience in our sons by being in their processes with them with my soft leadership skills (Rao, 2016). I remind them of their capabilities from things they have completed with excellence in the past, I motivate them to move forward into their goals and dreams by being persistent and committed. This support looks different for each son.

Our oldest son swims on the high school swim team. Early in the season he wanted to give up because it was extremely difficult to practice in the open water. I reminded him of how often he swam throughout the summer in the same place and how his capability was not an issue. He needed to be reminded of the courage he contains and the abilities he already has. He didn’t quit the team, instead he improved his times consistently throughout the season and his dad and I were there to cheer him on. Our middle son has always been very charismatic and gains a lot of attention with his witty sense of humor. Some adjustments were needed early in the school year to remind him of his academic and personal goals. We collaborated on solutions involving improvement of focus for his grades, his classmates needs, he recognized that a funny student with As gets treated differently than one with Ds and the importance of timing and self-control in the classroom environment. Our youngest son has struggled with his new teacher this year who is also new to teaching. She is quite gifted, as is he, and it took some careful negotiating to come to agreement with him on how his behavior can affect the students and staff around him. I reminded him of the many times he has courageously navigated making adjustments to fit in to a new classroom each year. I encouraged him to consider the benefits of pursuing his goals in conjunction with his grades. We agreed it would take hard work and persistence to make the needed changes, but in the end it would be worth it.

Our Strengths and Weaknesses

Each individual scenario took time and energy to work through. I see where my strengths of leadership shine and also how my weaknesses in management glare when it comes to how long it takes to make the necessary modifications soft leadership requires. My leadership style can accommodate conflict and differences of opinion. Erik’s management style does not have much room for those things and when they arise, so there is often a significant issue. How we work together to solve those issues is also a source of challenge since we want to apply our skill sets to the situation. It often requires us to back out of the ruts of our comfortable skills and move into the middle ground areas of shared priorities, combine our skill sets, recognizing they are complimentary processes and move forward (Bârgau, 2015). We choose to have the boys present when we face these challenges so they can learn about handling differences and conflicts with the skills we both taught them. I am confident we could not produce our desired results of empowered, encouraged and resilient sons with only his management and hard leadership skills or my leadership and soft leadership skills.

Conclusion

Our contrasted efforts to raise our sons with shared focus and different skill sets reminds us regularly that we have to work together to produce optimal results. Our boys will make their own choices as they grow. We hope our commitment to manage and lead as a team will give them the courage to embrace their own skills for management and leadership as well as find friends and a partner with valuable contrasting abilities.

References

Bârgau, M. (2015). LEADERSHIP VERSUS MANAGEMENT. Romanian Economic and Business Review, 10(2), 197-204. Retrieved from https://csuglobal.idm.oclc.org/login?url=https://search-proquest-com.csuglobal.idm.oclc.org/docview/1700066847?accountid=38569

Doucet, O., Lapalme, M., Simard, G., & Tremblay, M. (2015). High involvement management practices as leadership enhancers. International Journal of Manpower, 36(7), 1058-1071. doi:http://dx.doi.org.csuglobal.idm.oclc.org/10.1108/IJM-10-2013-0243

Rao, M. S. (2016). Hard versus soft leadership? examples and illustrations. Strategic HR Review, 15(4), 174-179. Retrieved from https://csuglobal.idm.oclc.org/login?url=https://search-proquest-com.csuglobal.idm.oclc.org/docview/1850797110?accountid=38569

Living the WHOLE Dream

My friend Ken and I were talking the other day about the difference between living the dream and just dreaming.

We decided that it takes hard committed work to live the WHOLE dream. The effort to have an amazing marriage, to maintain quality relationships, and make memories that last a lifetime are worth it - if you don't settle. 

And by settling, I mean, not giving up the passion to see the dream I'm living. The WHOLE dream of  having a marriage that's work but work worth doing, being a parent, and having a home I love to be in. Living the WHOLE dream isn't living without flaws and challenges, it's seeing the dream as the perfect and imperfect beauty that it is. 

I am sure I need to focus more often, like I did on this picture, knowing I am living my WHOLE dream. Right now. Today.

Only a few more days of my Five Minute Free Write challenge - today's word is WHOLE.

Messy Monday: HELP! Getting Bucked Off, and The Big Sort

I am still trying to keep up with the Five Minute Free Write goal of writing for 5 minutes every day in the month of October. Here is day 22 HELP combined with my Messy Monday (which took longer than 5 minutes.

HELP!

Growing up is stinking hard work! When I look at these two pictures right next to each other it is crazy to see Tigger taller than me, looking cool in a denim jacket, moody blue eyes and hunky good looks. And Pooh Bear, hair styled, almost taller than me, mischievous blue eyes and big time girl magnet too.

I can't believe how similar and how different they are from their former selves. I used to try to look at their baby faces and try to imagine what they'd look like as men. Now, I can see it. And hear it. And meet the challenge of it. Most of the time with Grace. However, I am leaning hard on God's HELP to influence them with kindness, encouragement, and consistent accountability in a world that often seems to value none of the above. 

Getting Bucked Off:

Yesterday I was tired! So tired I had a hard time thinking at.all. It was my final training day and for over 2 weeks now, I had been training on the Unit in the hospital where I am an inpatient secretary. I was sitting on a chair I raised just an inch or so and I reached for a pen and ... fell, butt first -- on the floor -- in front of all the nurses, counselors, and other staff. It was humiliating. I got bucked off a CHAIR. Seriously. I laughed then made a comment about doing all my own stunts, one of the counselors helped me off the ground and my trainer asked me if I was okay. I wasn't sure, but I wasn't going to admit to getting maimed by a chair. 

Mt. Laundry: 

We have stuff. It's time for the post-summer purge of outgrown, over stained, and holey things. This is usually done over the weekend and it's over quickly. However, because I worked on Sunday, a ten hour shift with an hour drive on each end, this lovely pile has been staring me down all day. This is my true definition of Messy Monday. When the actual MESS of life is everywhere I look and I have the choice to be overwhelmed or receive the gift of our sons, yet again and be grateful for clothes to go through, boys to mess them up and a warm house to sort them in. I will give away what is still presentable, toss what is unwearable, and pack up what remains for next summer's fun.

Messy Monday: Tuesday Edition, PRAY, Coffee and Flames

This week was messy enough for me to forget what day it is. I haven't had one of these kinds of weeks in a while.

PRAY is the Five Minute Free Write today. So, because I am behind schedule, I will be combining them both.

I recently started training for my new job. I am working all kinds of different hours the last few weeks. I literally forgot what day it was until last night, when I realized I completely missed Monday! A combination of 8 hour and 10 hour days, juggling the boys schedules, and even threw in a food/art/geography project.

An island. Created with Rice Crispies, Cocoa Crispies, and Lucky Charms. And according to my son, he and his class thought it was magically delicious. Though you couldn't have paid me to taste it.

What's wrong with this?

I have no idea where I found this. But I love it. #true

Nothing! The essence of why I started writing Messy Monday. An this week, on Tuesday! I hope you are smiling by now...

PRAY - often. All day. Because you can. Talking to God has changed my life. It could really be so much worse. God is not a great fairy godfather in the sky to lean on as a crutch to survive my life. It is a necessity to remind my that my life isn't about me. It's about loving and serving others in a non-codependent way (took me years to figure this out!).

You don't have to do it. But if you do, even when you're mad, you likely won't regret it. Believing that Life is bigger than the space you see hear and know, expands your ability to understand and have compassion in the big wild crazy world around you. At least that's why I PRAY.

The more hours I work the more I am completely confident this is true! I loved this. Made.Me.Laugh. I am so grateful for people who come up with this stuff. Seriously, it makes my life better - Coffee and funny coffee memes.

A seriously bad day for someone definitely reminded me why I don't like foreign cars. No, just kidding. But I was leaving work the other day and I saw this. Suddenly, I didn't think my day was so hard. Keep this in mind - If your car doesn't catch fire and melt before your eyes, your day can't be that bad...

Catch you next MONDAY with more messiness!

Five Minute Friday Free Write: SHARE

Writing and posting every day this month is quite a challenge for me. I seldom give myself permission to write consistently. I love it. But, I am always able to find something I "need" or my family "needs" me to do instead. Making time to write, every single day, starting a new job, juggling kids with sports, homework and the usual day to day life stuff is tricky, but it feels really good. Mostly.

Until this prompt: SHARE
What I wanted to do was write about my dog Sophie and how fun it is to share my life with her and her impact on my life. Isn't she adorable? I think so.

But no. In the shower this morning God and I had a meeting. It seems I am to truly SHARE stuff. Real stuff. So. Here. I ...

GO.

I sang my son Jesus Loves Me after he told me he didn't know any worship songs in his head to think about. I was crushed. The other two boys have an entire gigantic catalog of worship songs floating through their heads. All. The. Time. I hear their cracking puberty stricken voices singing them throughout the day. I love it. But, my youngest doesn't live with that in his head and heart. Unfortunately that begins a ridiculous bit of self crushing momologue (monologue saturated with mom-guilt) about how I've failed him as a parent. Seriously. 

And there's this. 

I am STILL trying to get validation on random things. I feel compelled to inform my Love whenever I clean out a drawer (or 3), cook a bunch of meals (or 1), play with the kids, clean up after myself and wash the sheets. Like I should get a prize for that?! Maybe I should. What do you think? 

Do I need validation from anyone for doing life? I have a good life. Some days I work harder than others physically. Other days I work harder mentally. Some days I just barely show up and get my bra on the right way. 

STOP. 

I am learning how to BE. BE okay with imperfection, singing Jesus Loves Me instead of him telling me what songs he knows, BE satisfied with a good day's work because I am, not because anyone might tell me I'm amazing. God says I am. I want that to be enough. 

And, because I can't help myself...

I must CHER once more ...

Hee Hee... SHARE/CHER... 

Messy Monday: My Happy Place, Master Bedroom, Wife-ing, and My Newest Hero

The Car Wash. It smells of rainbows and happiness. My family laughs at me when I say I'm going to My Happy Place. I can't see anything, hear anything or do much of anything in this magical sudsy swishy world. It scrubs the bug guts, road residue, and general driving dirt of my pretty white truck. Some day I will have to write about my awesomely nicknamed Mighty White. She sounds super mighty with her new louder muffler!

I was taught years ago that the first room to be cleaned in my house should be the Master Bedroom. I completely agree, but don't do it all the time. Do you always do everything you've been taught? If so, don't judge me... 

The reason your supposed to do it - to treat your "together" space as sacred. It should be free of clutter, distractions and stress. The reason I don't do it all the time - it's the place that I am safest to fall apart, be messy and procrastinate in a way that is relatively harmless.  

My "Desk"

Bed Pillow Staging Area with fuzzy friends

Pillows staged, fuzzy friends put upright, and tidiness established (in this corner).

I mostly love being a wife. My husband, he is my world. I've learned to love him in ways I never imagined I could love, forgiven in ways I never realized I needed to forgive, and worked harder alongside him than I never knew I'd need to.
We remain a work in progress and if I dedicated an entire year of Messy Mondays to our marriage I might scratch the surface of the massive messiness we have navigated together. We are hot-headed, strong-willed, and even have opposing favorite football teams (Broncos vs. Cowboys). We live loud, pray hard, and laugh a lot.

The things I do to love him well:
Choosing to keep my mouth shut, wait patiently for God to move in areas I have no control over, and live with him in such a way that I don't break the masterpiece (him) being built alongside me.

Forgiving in ways I never realized I'd need to forgive means:
I have to forgive him and myself for not being who I thought we should be. The first 10 years of our marriage I spent trying to change him into whoever I thought I should have for my husband (like I knew?!). The next 10 I spent trying to convince him (more myself) that we were going to survive raising kids together with very different family histories and perspectives. This past 7 years, I've focused on forgiving myself and him for past wounds, ridiculous fights, and the pain of not meeting each other's expectations in big ways and small.

For us, marriage is really messy work. This means:
Giving each other the space to grow, become, and expand horizons while not losing the connection in our marriage. When we are in sync, all is well, peaceful and encouraging. When we are out of sync, life is painful, overwhelming and discouraging. When we are at peace with each other and not wrestling with God over the circumstances we are facing, there is a core level peace that feels clean, tidy even - until it's not.

When we see things from opposite angles, find opposing solutions to perceived or real problems, and for me, when the slimy goo of fear pushes in like a sludgy wave of doubt over my own capabilities, strife happens. It squeezes with a vice-like grip choking my faith in us to come out of it on the other side. This is when we do the intense, stinky, gritty work of being married. We take a breath, remind each other (we take turns on this, somehow) we are on the same team and talk (or yell - just keeping it real here) until we find the common ground - what is best for our family.

We only work this hard to be married because we both firmly believe its worth doing. We also have a great counselor for when we get stuck in deep muck and can't find the high ground. We have learned to share our disasters as needed with others to encourage them to hang on and do the work, because it truly is worth the effort. The picture below is a pose we have been striking since we first got together almost 28 years ago. Looking at this picture alone might make you think we've dialed in the whole marriage thing. Ha! Nope! We just aren't going to quit working (shoveling, mopping, scrubbing...) on it.

This is me. No makeup because, like I said in Friday's post, I deal with anxiety and menopause. Preparing to go to a very fancy wedding (for people I love - I wish that made it easier) kept me dripping and hot flashing all afternoon. Also, our oldest son was going to his first Homecoming Dance and I was going to be at the wedding, not using my telephoto lens to capture every last detail of this big "First". The eyes shut picture my Love snapped makes me laugh because he caught a moment when I just didn't want to be seen. I closed my eyes. See me? Nope, because I can't see you - just like a baby playing peek-a-boo, right?!

Then, I look at my Big Boy. He's becoming a man. His growing, voice-cracking, facial hair sprouting self makes me hold my breath sometimes. Did we teach him enough? Will he be able to figure it out on his own, all these new situations and events he's facing? Will his educational and life challenges hold him back or compel him to push forward? Parenting him is super messy because he's the oldest - the one who becomes the test subject for all parenting experiments and ideas. I have no idea what's next for him.

I do know this. I love him and he loves me. He's a promise from God fulfilled, in the flesh. The goofy, loud, opinionated, Geico commercial quoting man-cub standing next to me is becoming my newest hero.