Our Anniversary is the Only Holiday We Earn

Our first decade we spent growing up, making ridiculous financial decisions, fighting, and transitioning our lives from southern California to north Idaho living. We found a church home, grew in our faith, and wrestled with the discomfort of identity crisis and infertility. We stretched in ways we did not know we could move, and we bent in places that had no joint. And we celebrated 10 years by renewing our vows with our close friends. It was only the beginning of knowing what those vows meant.

Our second decade we spent trying to figure out how to grow together despite our differences. How to lean into the friendship we built, connect on a deeper level with the dear ones around us as our prayers were answered and we became parents. Moving from the house we built together to make room for Erik’s mom to move in with us for a season, learning to live together within the challenge of navigating post-partum depression, the loss of a baby, and parenting three under five tested our relationship in ways we could never have imagined. And we celebrated 20 years by renewing our vows with close friends and family. It was another chapter of understanding what those vows meant.

Our third decade is almost over. We have spent it growing with our kids in developmental stages of parenting as they challenge and change us in new ways. Another identity crisis, more tears and choices, more transitions, overcoming and investing in the ones God’s called us to, outside of our bloodline. There are many who pray and remind us of how far we have come and how God’s amazing Grace provides for our every need, daily. Without them I do not know if we would have made it this far. Our differences remain tangible, our ability to make each other laugh virtually effortless, and our commitment to choose Love, even when it scars our souls and is unimaginably uncomfortable remains. And I imagine we will renew our vows again for our 30^th anniversary, because it still matters what those vows mean.

Messy Monday: Listen Closely, They're Worth It

When your kid has a meltdown, what do you do? Do you shut it down? Send them to their room? Hear them out?

My Love and I work hard to hear them out. We attempt to listen between the lines for their heart struggle beyond the extreme emotions being expressed. The temptation to shut them down because the timing of their meltdown is inconvenient or annoying can be hard to resist. We believe the act of choosing relationship with them, even when they are “messy” is a consistent conscious effort worth making. They each have legitimate stress in their lives putting excess pressure on them. It is no wonder it falls out, at the end of a long day or in the early morning worries.  All three of our sons have been bullied, belittled, and told they make life harder for the people around them.

The crazy thing is, most of the people communicating this are ADULTS. It’s shocking how many adults don’t want to accept responsibility for their own behavior/decisions and put it off on kids. Our boys, who have been knocked unconscious by another kid, stalked relentlessly by a peer, and be targeted by impatient teachers (often substitutes) for being themselves, are learning how to be tough AND kind. Protective AND respectful. Gracious AND holding someone accountable for their actions.

These challenges are not unique to them. We make that point often. But, I pray, that by sharing this, someone will give an emotional teen or pre-teen an opportunity to off load their stress, listen between the lines, and be a supportive adult instead of expecting a kid to make things easier on the grown up with decades more life experience and hopefully, maturity.

Pick ONE

Five Minute Friday time! This time last week was beyond rough, but it got better and I used the word from last week - Burden - in my Messy Monday blog. 

This week's prompt is the word ONE. 

I wrote in last weeks Messy Monday about things that you can do when you are struggling and need to get focused on moving forward. But what if even six small phrases or words feels like too much? I have had more times in my life than I can count where even ONE thing feels like too much.

But what if you could pick just ONE thing to focus on. I found this on Facebook and I love it, But even that can seem like too much - especially if you are neck deep in trauma, grief, depression, anger, whatever overwhelming-life-sucking-breath-taking event you are walking through. Just pick ONE thing. If it feels like too much, pick something else. There are no real hard and fast rules to surviving the really hard stuff. Here are two things I do:

1) ONE thing I choose when I am flooded by life stuff -- drink more water. Silly right? Well, I remember as a kid my Mom answered for me to "drink more water" if I questioned her about any ailment. Now it has become a family giggle that I am passing on to my kids. 

2) ONE other thing I've chosen in the past is sleep. Just to make sure I get eight hours of sleep. When I had little kids that wasn't possible -- see solution number ONE. (Wink)

Peter's Thoughts

I never know what our kids are actually hearing - what their friends are saying, what the adults are saying, etc. We have only just started talking about Christmas at our house (mainly because I'm working that day), but our focus is Thanksgiving first.

This morning, on the way to school, our youngest son, Peter started talking to me about something that was bugging him. I asked him to type it up in my "Notes" on my phone so I could share it.

I was pretty proud of his insight and I promise, I didn't solicit any of it. He said it, just like this:

"It's like Thanksgiving doesn't exist this year. Everyone is talking about what they are going to get for Christmas. Christmas is about giving.

Thanksgiving is about being grateful for what you have. But everyone wants more and everyone thinks Thanksgiving is not happening this year. No one talks about it.

I talk about giving in Christmas - the only two reasons I like Christmas is because it is the day Jesus was born and getting to give to others."

We love our Peter-man so very much!

Using My VOICE

I am coming in to the home stretch of the Five Minute Free Writes for the month of October. Honestly, this has been a good stretch for me mostly because it has forced me to write every day and try to strip down a topic I could write a thousand words on down to what I can type up in 5 minutes. Today's prompt is VOICE.

My VOICE prefers to be used for hope, speaking life, and blessing the people around me. It doesn't always get used for that, but it is definitely my preference and something I work hard to be consistent at.

A few days ago I posted a blog about kids cussing. One I agreed with - about how cussing isn't the ultimate bad words. You can read it here if you are curious (there is cussing in it, so be warned). I had a few friends respond about how cussing isn't good for anyone ever, how it shows a lack of imagination and disrespect. I don't disagree but I also do not intend to spend any time making sure my kids don't cuss.

We believe in teaching our sons how to use their VOICE to stand up for the hurting, speak up for the disrespected and declare the positive perspective. We spend our time focusing on who we want them to become, how we want them to speak and helping them discover their own VOICE in the context of the world today. Spending time on what we "don't" want them to do or become makes the focus on the "not to-s" not the "you are-s"

We have taught them they are Mighty Men called by God to speak life and blessing. This kind of rules out cussing as a regular option by default. They don't always do it. Neither do we. But, for our family, speaking life into our sons is about the you are ______, you can _______, not don't _______.

ASK - 2 Key Questions for Relationships

Yesterday I wrote about my great friend who says, Talk to me! all the time.

That same friend has taught me and my Love to ASK two questions that changed the way we communicate with each other, our kids and the people around us.

What do you need?

How can I help?

ASKing those questions when someone is stressed, angry, tired, sad, or scared communicate to them they aren't in this situation alone.

For our marriage, it communicates compassion and support. With our kids, it helps them know we hear them and want to be helpful, not against them or dismissive of them. For our friends, it reminds them, we want to be there for them.

One word of caution - Follow through. If they answer the question, be prepared to do what they've asked of you. This will build trust that you really mean what you've said, they aren't in it alone.

Five Minute Friday Free Write number 14!

31 Days of 5 Minute Free Write: Afraid

31 Days of Five Minute Free Writes

It's the wee hours. I hear him banging around downstairs. I'm too tired to move. I fall back to sleep. The noise wakes me up again. I drag myself out of bed to confront the kid who didn't resist temptation to play the Xbox. I forgot to put the controllers away. He couldn't stop himself.

I send him back to bed and climb back into mine. As I lay there, thoughts race through my head. What else am I missing? What happens if the game isn't all he's looking at? What if a Creeper decides to hunt down my kid?

The icy cold fear shivers through my being as I think of the possible scenarios that could impact any one or all of our three sons. I cry out from my heart: "God, I am SO AFRAID! Why can't I just trust You with them? This hyper-vigilance is going to ruin me and them. I have to sleep!"

I fall into a troubled sleep. Wake up before my alarm, shower, dress, and get to work. 

Fear based parenting never works. Ever. I cannot be AFRAID to make a mistake, let something slip past me or be AFRAID they will make a mistake. It has to happen. 

Some how. Some way. I have to let go. Again.

Messy Monday; Candy Corn, Making A Difference, and Being Mean

I am eating slowly but I didn't count our a serving size.

Today's Messy Monday is brought to you by a slightly over-wound middle aged woman huffing the lavender mist being released by her diffuser, intentionally nibbling candy corn instead of gorging on it like feed corn in a trough (I LOVE candy corn), while sitting criss-cross-applesauce next to the dog on the bed.

Thinking about this past week I am more than a little disturbed. There is a lot of messy happening in our world, country, states and cities.

The world messiness I pray for often but don't feel there is a lot of impact I can make, Nationally, I am heartbroken by what's happening in our conversations concerning predators, offenders, and victims. While I can pray for an appropriate outcome for those in the public eye, I choose to dial in to the difference I can make here, in my home, community, and sphere of influence.

We need to SEE each other and HEAR each other. When you see someone in trouble, do you get involved or stay out of it? Do you ask questions or back away slowly? Do you respond with compassion?

Sometimes I feel this surge of confidence as I walk right into an obviously tense situation and say, "May I help you?", other times, I step aside, pray, watch and wait for the nudge to move forward into the area of concern or the peace to step away. I have never been particularly compassionate. I care about people and I prefer to shoot straight instead of politely, gently, cautiously, causing you to consider you might want to think about a different course of action.

Before I started my business (I'll add the link when my new website goes live, but message me in the meantime if you want to know more), I was teased by my co-workers about naming it "Kick Ass Coaching", We regularly laughed about it because, even though I may not always be warm and fuzzy about telling you the truth or asking hard questions, you always know I care too much about you to feed you any flavor of nonsense whipped like cotton candy and served on a stick.

I have no idea where this came from but I LOVE it!
I'd love to know where it originated because it's awesome!

A pastor I once served with talked about how important it was to have mean friends. That's me. I'm the mean friend. The one that sticks to your face, looks you in the eye and regularly reminds you of how amazing you are and how much possibility and hope remains to be experienced

What if the women (and men) who experienced these crazy awful situations had a friend who would not only be safe enough to hear their story, but strong enough to hold them tight and remind them they can speak up, speak out, and they would walk beside them through the whole process? Could you be that kind of friend? What if we did that for each other?


 I am also a mean mom. So mean, I make my kids hang up uniform shirts, give them grief about socks with their sandals and I don't run out an buy them a tie when they've decided to do a "dress up competition" several days in a row with another kid in their grade, no matter how bad they want to win.


And finally, this. Yes, take pills if you need them. Some of us would be a WHOLE LOT MESSIER if we didn't take the vitamins, hormones, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-seizure, high blood pressure, or happy pills available to care for bodies and minds.

To get spiritual about this meme:We don't struggle against flesh and blood but against the powers of darkness (Eph 6:12) so the world I'm flipping off is the darkness that would try to suck me in to its vortex of discouragement, hopelessness, and a complete bag of candy corn.

Let it RAIN

Five Minute Friday prompt this week is RAIN. I had to ponder it all day and here it is the VERY end of the day and I'm finally typing out my musings.

The song, Let It Rain, by Michael W Smith, came out in a traumatic season in my life. It's super repetitive and one my now Heaven residing Grandfather would call a 24/7 song. You sing the same song with seven lines twenty four times. He was funny that way. He preferred the hymns with the sacred words that matched his journey.

RAIN is refreshing to me. I don't find it gloomy, I find it washes away the yuck. That's why the song resonated with me so much. I needed a downpour of RAIN to was away my pain.

I've also prayed the same kind of prayer over my kids their whole lives:

God, please wash away the residue of the day. Refresh, restore and renew them, body, mind and spirit, in Jesus name amen.

I know we all get the residue of the day stuck to us. I know the True RAIN washes it away. The pain, the challenge, the struggle remains, but that soap scum-life residue that threatens to cling to the shower walls of our lives, that can be washed away.

Praying for you to experience True RAIN in your heart tonight.

What’s the RUSH?

The Five Minute Friday prompt is RUSH this week.

I had to ponder a bit to land on what I wanted to write about on this topic.

Problem: Since I’ve become a Mom I’ve had this “slow down/hurry up tug-of-war in my heart and mind. On one hand I wanted the painful challenges of infancy, toddlerhood, preschool, then school age to move on so my discomfort with that stage would end. But, as I greet the next chapters in my kids lives, I’m taken by surprise - again -  this is hard too.

Solution: What’s the RUSH?! Why do I make it about me and MY comfort?! In order to teach them to be present in the moment, I need to do that too. Any days, hard as they may be,  cannot be re-captured, they must be savored, discomfort and all. And, when the fun, goofy, moments arrive, and I find myself gut clenched, face hurting, laughing... mark it on the calendar and remind myself --- DON'T RUSH this!