Friday, September 14, 2018

How Do You Feel in a CROWD?

I love writing with my Five Minute Friday CROWD. They are great people who have encouraged me consistently for several years.

This weeks writing prompt: CROWD.
October 2017 at Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta - BIG CROWD - no problem.

Sometimes I wonder if Jesus would have been defined as an introvert or an extrovert, I guess, officially if you believe as I do that He is God in the flesh, then He would have been both. I take comfort in that. In Him, understanding how I feel.

Since my epic migraine this year I have found myself to be much less extroverted. I don't want to be in groups of people. Even if I love them and they love me. I spent 6 months of my life so easily overwhelmed by the activity, voices, noise, personalities, atmospheres that returning to them is almost painful at times.

This makes me feel anxious.

I have dealt with anxiety for a long time in many ways for many reasons. But now, in a CROWD I feel it more intensely than ever before. I used to think it was because I was struggling with feeling like I didn't fit in or being focused on as the fattest girl in the room, but I figured out neither one of those are consistently true (but sometimes, they are).

Being in a CROWD now causes anxiety because I am still working my way back into fully involved life. The experience of menopause, daily activities, and juggling three boys and their busy schedules feels overwhelming, in my pre-epic migraine world. Add in weddings, picnics, swim meets, church, etc and the knot in my gut feels like a watermelon. Will I be able to have intelligent conversation? Will I even be able to think straight? Can I be "myself" there? My old self is different than my new self, will I still be acceptable? UGH! It keeps going...

Back to Jesus - I know I am always acceptable and loved by Him. I know He gets my struggle and if I say something irreverent or irrelevant, I will be forgiven.

But, right now, I'd rather be home, alone, or with my Love and my boys and not go or be anywhere I don't have to. And, if you see me out and about, you now know it wasn't easy to get there.

Monday, September 10, 2018

Messy Monday! Nose Prints, Headlocks, Yacht Rock and Housework

Life is MESSY! I decided I should find a way to savor and celebrate this messy life instead of being disgusted or at a minimum, annoyed by it.

Years ago I wrote with a fellow blogger a regular Friday blog called "Fess Up Friday". I loved it because it kept me focused on the funny, goofy, ridiculousness of life instead of taking myself or anyone else inside or outside of my home to seriously.

Now a solid MANY years later, I am doing Messy Monday! Once I get the link up thing and a cool graphic created I'll share them with you. But for today, here's what's been messy...



I tried several angles on this. If you look closely you can see all of my ONE doggie's nose prints on the front window. Some people look at this and think, "Gross! Don't you ever clean your windows?!" to which I'd respond, "Nope. I find it amusing and cute that she smooshes her nose on the window just to see outside barking at passing dogs, people and especially squirrels. Also, I have two members of my household who get sick of looking through the dog snot and drool and clean them for me." 

Her "marks of enthusiasm" remind me I could be more passionate about seeing beyond my comfort zone, looking for people who are hanging on for dear life hoping someone will reach out instead of just bark at them from their comfy "zone". 

My Love and I have three sons. Each crazy awesome in their own way. Often, if they are together, it isn't long before one or two or even all three end up in a headlock. Here I am, trying to snap an actual ON. THE. DAY. first day of school picture and this, among others is what I get. 

Being in relationship with our sons is messy. As the lone girl in the bunch, other than the dog, I find myself having a harder and harder time relating to how they communicate, get mad, fight, let go, best buddies to mortal enemies and back again. I often feel literally, not equipped, to navigate this season of their lives. I am trying to take a step (or 12) back and let their Dad run the show, but even that makes me squeamish quite often. I have discovered that going all Mama Bear on Papa Bear is a very messy and unhelpful business, not to mention confusing for the Man-Cubs. I'm trying to back away slowly and find my coloring book or something...


Speaking of Papa Bear, my Love and I have always found common ground in music. Our Cassette and CD collections practically matched (except for my extensive collection of '80s Christian Rock) when we met. Until this summer. When Sirius radio started up with their Yacht Rock station. Oh my GAG. This is probably the ONLY time they played a cool song -- the rest of the time it was Paul Anka, Barry Manilow, Paul Simon, Air Supply, and every other 70s style smooth and groovy music that makes you nod off in a nostalgia coma. I have no issue with any of these artists individually, but when you put them on a looooooong list all together..eesh! My Love found it amusing to regularly (as in AT LEAST once a day) turn my radio to Yacht Rock so when I got in and turned the key some mellow, soul melting, song bird was trying to soothe me into unconsciousness. I snapped this picture with the comment, "When Yacht Rock backfires and it's a good song!" This is messy, because several times, I almost peed myself laughing at whatever song came on and the fact that he programmed several pre-sets so I couldn't change the song!


Finally, housework. My child who was my kitchen attendant went back to school. I scrubbed and scoured and cleaned almost the whole thing (because behind the toaster oven isn't really necessary if you clean the toaster oven, right? And forgetting to wipe down the window sill but watering the plants is almost thorough). After school started I thought it would be easier to keep up on it, without them feasting at the all day cafe'. However, I've forgotten to purchase more paper plates (our regular dishes, I hate to admit) and this summer I bought another set of actual dishes so we would have enough for more than just our family of 5 to eat on. This creates the need for more doing of dishes. I blame my mother for this loathing of dish doing I have. She rolls her eyes now and says I'm responsible for my own malfunctions now that I have my own dirty dish makers. Note the bizarre butter configuration on the slimy butter dish. I am not responsible for that either! 

Pets, relationships, marriage, and homemaking are only a few of the many things that make life feel messy, unbalanced and like you can't possibly ever keep up or catch up. But I propose this:

Perspective is everything! When I see the "MESSY" as a welcome sign of life and memories in progress instead of something to be scrubbed away, eradicated or at the very least shoved under a rug, I can receive life as a gift instead of focusing on how I'm failing at it because I can't contain the mess.

Living Courageous is to embrace the Messy life and tell about it on Mondays!