Messy Monday: Midnight Messy, Dressin' Up and Way Beyond Me

Happy Monday! It's late for me to be writing/posting this but I've been wrestling all week with what to say, again. I have lots of material, but I want to stick with the candid transparency I've committed to. 

Midnight Messy: I haven't been sleeping much. The wee hours have been my solace and my thought sorting window. Once everyone goes to bed, I try to get my worries to clear like a passing storm and the stillness of the midnight stars center me to release the fear I've had whirling all day. But, not so much. The tidal wave of the day's stress pours over me. This cloud formation I saw this afternoon was the perfect picture of what it feels like. Except, in it, I can't see the blue sky on the other side. I haven't quite figured out how to navigate this. For now, I pray, read and color in my Bible, and wait. 

Dressin' Up: Our guys have taken to dressing up lately. This is how they dressed for church yesterday and yes, I had to threaten them to get them to smile and play nice for the picture. They are becoming their own men. Choosing to wear ties, nice polos and do their hair. We have never been the "boys in suits and ties" kind of parents. Button ups and good jeans or khakis have been our rule of thumb from the beginning. This is what they want. We don't know exactly who they are becoming but when and where we can we work to support whatever process they are in, now. 

Way Beyond Me: I've said before, this whole parenting thing is frigging hard. 

• Shut up and let them learn from their mistakes, 
• Stay close and hear what's not being said even if the voice yelling at you (yes, that's allowed at our house - shocking for some, volume alone is not an indicator of disrespect in our opinion) is off-loading what seems like nonsense,
• Be present for their process but not control it,
• Listen with my body language - don't fold arms across chest or turn away, stay open, accessible,
• Ask hard questions and be patient if the answer is not what was expected,
• Don't make it about me - impatience and anger are BIG indicators that my discomfort outweighs whatever is going on with them,
• Know it will pass - some of it will be missed, some of it will bring a wave of relief it's over
• Make peace with not having all the answers or doing it "right". 
• SHOW UP - full attention on them, eye contact, SMILE.

I'm in the middle of learning this stuff. I am letting you in on how "Beyond Me" this feels. This song, I sing it almost every day, an anthem to my inadequacy that includes the reminder God is with me in this. WITH us. PRESENT. It's OKAY for most of life to feel like it's way Beyond Me.

Join me. Let me know what you need. We are in this life together. 

Messy Monday: HELP! Getting Bucked Off, and The Big Sort

I am still trying to keep up with the Five Minute Free Write goal of writing for 5 minutes every day in the month of October. Here is day 22 HELP combined with my Messy Monday (which took longer than 5 minutes.

HELP!

Growing up is stinking hard work! When I look at these two pictures right next to each other it is crazy to see Tigger taller than me, looking cool in a denim jacket, moody blue eyes and hunky good looks. And Pooh Bear, hair styled, almost taller than me, mischievous blue eyes and big time girl magnet too.

I can't believe how similar and how different they are from their former selves. I used to try to look at their baby faces and try to imagine what they'd look like as men. Now, I can see it. And hear it. And meet the challenge of it. Most of the time with Grace. However, I am leaning hard on God's HELP to influence them with kindness, encouragement, and consistent accountability in a world that often seems to value none of the above. 

Getting Bucked Off:

Yesterday I was tired! So tired I had a hard time thinking at.all. It was my final training day and for over 2 weeks now, I had been training on the Unit in the hospital where I am an inpatient secretary. I was sitting on a chair I raised just an inch or so and I reached for a pen and ... fell, butt first -- on the floor -- in front of all the nurses, counselors, and other staff. It was humiliating. I got bucked off a CHAIR. Seriously. I laughed then made a comment about doing all my own stunts, one of the counselors helped me off the ground and my trainer asked me if I was okay. I wasn't sure, but I wasn't going to admit to getting maimed by a chair. 

Mt. Laundry: 

We have stuff. It's time for the post-summer purge of outgrown, over stained, and holey things. This is usually done over the weekend and it's over quickly. However, because I worked on Sunday, a ten hour shift with an hour drive on each end, this lovely pile has been staring me down all day. This is my true definition of Messy Monday. When the actual MESS of life is everywhere I look and I have the choice to be overwhelmed or receive the gift of our sons, yet again and be grateful for clothes to go through, boys to mess them up and a warm house to sort them in. I will give away what is still presentable, toss what is unwearable, and pack up what remains for next summer's fun.

How Do You Feel in a CROWD?

I love writing with my Five Minute Friday CROWD. They are great people who have encouraged me consistently for several years.

This weeks writing prompt: CROWD.

October 2017 at Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta - BIG CROWD - no problem.

Sometimes I wonder if Jesus would have been defined as an introvert or an extrovert, I guess, officially if you believe as I do that He is God in the flesh, then He would have been both. I take comfort in that. In Him, understanding how I feel.

Since my epic migraine this year I have found myself to be much less extroverted. I don't want to be in groups of people. Even if I love them and they love me. I spent 6 months of my life so easily overwhelmed by the activity, voices, noise, personalities, atmospheres that returning to them is almost painful at times.

This makes me feel anxious.

I have dealt with anxiety for a long time in many ways for many reasons. But now, in a CROWD I feel it more intensely than ever before. I used to think it was because I was struggling with feeling like I didn't fit in or being focused on as the fattest girl in the room, but I figured out neither one of those are consistently true (but sometimes, they are).

Being in a CROWD now causes anxiety because I am still working my way back into fully involved life. The experience of menopause, daily activities, and juggling three boys and their busy schedules feels overwhelming, in my pre-epic migraine world. Add in weddings, picnics, swim meets, church, etc and the knot in my gut feels like a watermelon. Will I be able to have intelligent conversation? Will I even be able to think straight? Can I be "myself" there? My old self is different than my new self, will I still be acceptable? UGH! It keeps going...

Back to Jesus - I know I am always acceptable and loved by Him. I know He gets my struggle and if I say something irreverent or irrelevant, I will be forgiven.

But, right now, I'd rather be home, alone, or with my Love and my boys and not go or be anywhere I don't have to. And, if you see me out and about, you now know it wasn't easy to get there.

Messy Monday! Nose Prints, Headlocks, Yacht Rock and Housework

Life is MESSY! I decided I should find a way to savor and celebrate this messy life instead of being disgusted or at a minimum, annoyed by it.

Years ago I wrote with a fellow blogger a regular Friday blog called "Fess Up Friday". I loved it because it kept me focused on the funny, goofy, ridiculousness of life instead of taking myself or anyone else inside or outside of my home to seriously.

Now a solid MANY years later, I am doing Messy Monday! Once I get the link up thing and a cool graphic created I'll share them with you. But for today, here's what's been messy...

I tried several angles on this. If you look closely you can see all of my ONE doggie's nose prints on the front window. Some people look at this and think, "Gross! Don't you ever clean your windows?!" to which I'd respond, "Nope. I find it amusing and cute that she smooshes her nose on the window just to see outside barking at passing dogs, people and especially squirrels. Also, I have two members of my household who get sick of looking through the dog snot and drool and clean them for me." 

Her "marks of enthusiasm" remind me I could be more passionate about seeing beyond my comfort zone, looking for people who are hanging on for dear life hoping someone will reach out instead of just bark at them from their comfy "zone". 

My Love and I have three sons. Each crazy awesome in their own way. Often, if they are together, it isn't long before one or two or even all three end up in a headlock. Here I am, trying to snap an actual ON. THE. DAY. first day of school picture and this, among others is what I get. 

Being in relationship with our sons is messy. As the lone girl in the bunch, other than the dog, I find myself having a harder and harder time relating to how they communicate, get mad, fight, let go, best buddies to mortal enemies and back again. I often feel literally, not equipped, to navigate this season of their lives. I am trying to take a step (or 12) back and let their Dad run the show, but even that makes me squeamish quite often. I have discovered that going all Mama Bear on Papa Bear is a very messy and unhelpful business, not to mention confusing for the Man-Cubs. I'm trying to back away slowly and find my coloring book or something...

Speaking of Papa Bear, my Love and I have always found common ground in music. Our Cassette and CD collections practically matched (except for my extensive collection of '80s Christian Rock) when we met. Until this summer. When Sirius radio started up with their Yacht Rock station. Oh my GAG. This is probably the ONLY time they played a cool song -- the rest of the time it was Paul Anka, Barry Manilow, Paul Simon, Air Supply, and every other 70s style smooth and groovy music that makes you nod off in a nostalgia coma. I have no issue with any of these artists individually, but when you put them on a looooooong list all together..eesh! My Love found it amusing to regularly (as in AT LEAST once a day) turn my radio to Yacht Rock so when I got in and turned the key some mellow, soul melting, song bird was trying to soothe me into unconsciousness. I snapped this picture with the comment, "When Yacht Rock backfires and it's a good song!" This is messy, because several times, I almost peed myself laughing at whatever song came on and the fact that he programmed several pre-sets so I couldn't change the song!

Finally, housework. My child who was my kitchen attendant went back to school. I scrubbed and scoured and cleaned almost the whole thing (because behind the toaster oven isn't really necessary if you clean the toaster oven, right? And forgetting to wipe down the window sill but watering the plants is almost thorough). After school started I thought it would be easier to keep up on it, without them feasting at the all day cafe'. However, I've forgotten to purchase more paper plates (our regular dishes, I hate to admit) and this summer I bought another set of actual dishes so we would have enough for more than just our family of 5 to eat on. This creates the need for more doing of dishes. I blame my mother for this loathing of dish doing I have. She rolls her eyes now and says I'm responsible for my own malfunctions now that I have my own dirty dish makers. Note the bizarre butter configuration on the slimy butter dish. I am not responsible for that either! 

Pets, relationships, marriage, and homemaking are only a few of the many things that make life feel messy, unbalanced and like you can't possibly ever keep up or catch up. But I propose this:

Perspective is everything! When I see the "MESSY" as a welcome sign of life and memories in progress instead of something to be scrubbed away, eradicated or at the very least shoved under a rug, I can receive life as a gift instead of focusing on how I'm failing at it because I can't contain the mess.

Living Courageous is to embrace the Messy life and tell about it on Mondays!