Our Anniversary is the Only Holiday We Earn

Our first decade we spent growing up, making ridiculous financial decisions, fighting, and transitioning our lives from southern California to north Idaho living. We found a church home, grew in our faith, and wrestled with the discomfort of identity crisis and infertility. We stretched in ways we did not know we could move, and we bent in places that had no joint. And we celebrated 10 years by renewing our vows with our close friends. It was only the beginning of knowing what those vows meant.

Our second decade we spent trying to figure out how to grow together despite our differences. How to lean into the friendship we built, connect on a deeper level with the dear ones around us as our prayers were answered and we became parents. Moving from the house we built together to make room for Erik’s mom to move in with us for a season, learning to live together within the challenge of navigating post-partum depression, the loss of a baby, and parenting three under five tested our relationship in ways we could never have imagined. And we celebrated 20 years by renewing our vows with close friends and family. It was another chapter of understanding what those vows meant.

Our third decade is almost over. We have spent it growing with our kids in developmental stages of parenting as they challenge and change us in new ways. Another identity crisis, more tears and choices, more transitions, overcoming and investing in the ones God’s called us to, outside of our bloodline. There are many who pray and remind us of how far we have come and how God’s amazing Grace provides for our every need, daily. Without them I do not know if we would have made it this far. Our differences remain tangible, our ability to make each other laugh virtually effortless, and our commitment to choose Love, even when it scars our souls and is unimaginably uncomfortable remains. And I imagine we will renew our vows again for our 30^th anniversary, because it still matters what those vows mean.

FMF: Courage To Go DEEP

I am writing with the Five Minute Friday posse of wordsmiths again. Gosh, I love these people. They comment encouragement and make me want to write more. It never feels competitive or judgmental. I am grateful for this Tribe.

DEEP is the word of the week. It took longer than five minutes to write, but I hope you will feel it is worth your time.

I took this picture in my backyard jungle (strawberry patch). We all love strawberries, even the dog!

Once the easy to grasp or chomp fruits on the periphery of the jungle/patch have been consumed, we have to dig DEEP for the hidden deliciousness, risking spiders, other crawly creatures, twisty vines and pokey weeds.

Sound a bit like life?

Where is the best, longest lasting, life sustaining sweetest fruit found?

DEEP in the grayish jungle/patch of feelings, thoughts, and longings for more. Where only the Brave, risk tangled vines, fanged multi-legged creepers, and prickly weeds in search of richly ripened fruit.

There are times when it doesn't feel worth the risk of getting poked, tangled in, or bit by an unknown crawly thing to grasp what will hopefully, maybe possibly, be tasty out of the grayish bleh.


 
I prefer to look for fruit that is easily found, recognized by glowing light, angels singing, butterflies flitting about while a unicorn grazes nearby.


But, let's face it. The angel chorus fruit may be over-ripe and squish into our fingers leaving them stained, sticky, and attract flying stingers. It doesn't last long and it sustains nothing.

However, the hazy DEEP, pain-laden, belief-molting, theology-shredding places and seasons are worth reaching into. I've navigated enough of them that I am gaining strength in the coming out. Endurance and grace are in rich supply where the vibrant will to move forward fades to grayscale.

If you find yourself in that place or season, don't do it alone. Choose someone who will be in the DEEP with you, unafraid. They will bandage the pricks, bites, and untangle. They will breathe words of warmth in the frosty faded moments, weeks or months. They will be Spirit in flesh cautiously, tenderly, leading you out of the grayscale back to vibrancy.

You can go through the DEEP, find the freshest fruit, and flourish. It IS possible. Don't give up.

Hugs and prayers to you. I'm here if you need me.

Messy Monday: HELP! Getting Bucked Off, and The Big Sort

I am still trying to keep up with the Five Minute Free Write goal of writing for 5 minutes every day in the month of October. Here is day 22 HELP combined with my Messy Monday (which took longer than 5 minutes.

HELP!

Growing up is stinking hard work! When I look at these two pictures right next to each other it is crazy to see Tigger taller than me, looking cool in a denim jacket, moody blue eyes and hunky good looks. And Pooh Bear, hair styled, almost taller than me, mischievous blue eyes and big time girl magnet too.

I can't believe how similar and how different they are from their former selves. I used to try to look at their baby faces and try to imagine what they'd look like as men. Now, I can see it. And hear it. And meet the challenge of it. Most of the time with Grace. However, I am leaning hard on God's HELP to influence them with kindness, encouragement, and consistent accountability in a world that often seems to value none of the above. 

Getting Bucked Off:

Yesterday I was tired! So tired I had a hard time thinking at.all. It was my final training day and for over 2 weeks now, I had been training on the Unit in the hospital where I am an inpatient secretary. I was sitting on a chair I raised just an inch or so and I reached for a pen and ... fell, butt first -- on the floor -- in front of all the nurses, counselors, and other staff. It was humiliating. I got bucked off a CHAIR. Seriously. I laughed then made a comment about doing all my own stunts, one of the counselors helped me off the ground and my trainer asked me if I was okay. I wasn't sure, but I wasn't going to admit to getting maimed by a chair. 

Mt. Laundry: 

We have stuff. It's time for the post-summer purge of outgrown, over stained, and holey things. This is usually done over the weekend and it's over quickly. However, because I worked on Sunday, a ten hour shift with an hour drive on each end, this lovely pile has been staring me down all day. This is my true definition of Messy Monday. When the actual MESS of life is everywhere I look and I have the choice to be overwhelmed or receive the gift of our sons, yet again and be grateful for clothes to go through, boys to mess them up and a warm house to sort them in. I will give away what is still presentable, toss what is unwearable, and pack up what remains for next summer's fun.

Do You Live Like You're LOVED?

I'm writing with the Five Minute Friday peeps that I adore. What an amazing community to be a part of!

This week's word prompt is LOVED.

This is immediately what came to mind after the month I've had:

This month I've had a lot of opportunities to focus on my faults and shortcomings (I have that opportunity daily, but some months are more intense than others). The specifics are unnecessary to share, but the fact remains - I am changed.

To live LOVED is different than trying to get love. When I live LOVED I don't have expectations of returned love. I don't need it. I already know I am LOVED. When I'm trying to be seen, appreciated, acknowledged, then any attempt others make to love me falls short. No amount of love, time or attention can compensate for the black hole created by my trying to get love and prove that I can or should be LOVED.

These are the opportunities that presented themselves.
To choose anger instead of grace.
To embrace pain instead of hide under the bed with my dog.
To push back on alarm with faith or freak out and go back under the bed.
To let heartbreak submerge me or lean in to the relationship.
To give back what I have been given or withhold in resentment.
To speak freedom and life or shame and condemnation.

Honestly, I did a bit of all of the above. Except climb under the bed - there just isn't room. When I was able to choose (moment by moment) to believe how LOVED I am, I could eventually (I am not perfect!) choose grace, embrace pain, find my faith, lean in, give, and speak life. It wasn't pretty, easy or fun. But, it happened - messy, uncomfortable, and stressful. The challenges remain, but so does my great big God who reminds me through nature, beauty, people, animals, and circumstances beyond my understanding that I am LOVED.

Five Minute Friday - DONE (on Saturday)

I'm finally gathering a few moments to post with the Five Minute Friday Bunch. This week's word is DONE. I've been pondering what to write on this word. So many possibilities.

GO.

I've been DONE before. Finished with the fight and struggle. I've cried out for help, I've had surgery, I've done naturopathic remedies, pharmaceuticals, (GASP!) CBD oil purchased at a pot shop, and another surgery.

But this, this season now, is a whole new place of DONE. After all I've come through thus far, I am DONE with these things:

Being afraid of what anyone thinks of me.
Trying to jump through the "right" hoops to fit "proper Christian" mold.
Expecting people to be different than they are at in any given moment (more GRACE!).
Wanting those closest to me to meet the needs that only God can.
Trying to fix circumstances instead of my perspective.
Trying to be acceptable.

The first six months of 2018 have stripped me clean of just about anything and everything I thought I had left in my own understanding.

Here's to spending the next six months being in the new place I've landed.

STOP.

Bonus words: I have been DONE with several of these things before, but during this six months I have gained a much different perspective that is wiser and downright refreshing. I will write about that too...