FMF: Courage To Go DEEP

I am writing with the Five Minute Friday posse of wordsmiths again. Gosh, I love these people. They comment encouragement and make me want to write more. It never feels competitive or judgmental. I am grateful for this Tribe.

DEEP is the word of the week. It took longer than five minutes to write, but I hope you will feel it is worth your time.

I took this picture in my backyard jungle (strawberry patch). We all love strawberries, even the dog!

Once the easy to grasp or chomp fruits on the periphery of the jungle/patch have been consumed, we have to dig DEEP for the hidden deliciousness, risking spiders, other crawly creatures, twisty vines and pokey weeds.

Sound a bit like life?

Where is the best, longest lasting, life sustaining sweetest fruit found?

DEEP in the grayish jungle/patch of feelings, thoughts, and longings for more. Where only the Brave, risk tangled vines, fanged multi-legged creepers, and prickly weeds in search of richly ripened fruit.

There are times when it doesn't feel worth the risk of getting poked, tangled in, or bit by an unknown crawly thing to grasp what will hopefully, maybe possibly, be tasty out of the grayish bleh.


 
I prefer to look for fruit that is easily found, recognized by glowing light, angels singing, butterflies flitting about while a unicorn grazes nearby.


But, let's face it. The angel chorus fruit may be over-ripe and squish into our fingers leaving them stained, sticky, and attract flying stingers. It doesn't last long and it sustains nothing.

However, the hazy DEEP, pain-laden, belief-molting, theology-shredding places and seasons are worth reaching into. I've navigated enough of them that I am gaining strength in the coming out. Endurance and grace are in rich supply where the vibrant will to move forward fades to grayscale.

If you find yourself in that place or season, don't do it alone. Choose someone who will be in the DEEP with you, unafraid. They will bandage the pricks, bites, and untangle. They will breathe words of warmth in the frosty faded moments, weeks or months. They will be Spirit in flesh cautiously, tenderly, leading you out of the grayscale back to vibrancy.

You can go through the DEEP, find the freshest fruit, and flourish. It IS possible. Don't give up.

Hugs and prayers to you. I'm here if you need me.

Pain Sucks!

Pain sucks.

I could just leave that there and call it done. Migraine day 130.

Pain is like bad gas. One nasty fart, maybe two is forgivable, but if you sit in a room full of people and keep releasing toxic stench, they get sick of it and walk away. They may stay friends – from a distance - and try not to judge you or wish you’d just be done already, but they are uncomfortable with your pain, so they keep their distance.

You, on the other hand, are living with the stench. Like Pigpen from Peanuts, your cloud of pain is present, everywhere. Some people notice, can see the pain, but others don’t, for a million different reasons.

The pain of life is real. 

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH IT?

Here is where I give you the answer to that question… 

NOPE.

I don’t have it. All I have is my experience, my choices, and what those people around me have chosen.

How to deal with PAIN:

Ignore it.
Run from it.
Bury it.
Face it.
Lean in to it.
Push through it.
Make peace with it.

I honestly believe all these answers are right depending on the type of pain. However, each one of these are the wrong answer too.

For example:

       If you are in an abusive relationship – you need to run from it, not make peace with it.

·        If you are in physical pain (discomfort) you can ignore it or push through it, but if you are in physical pain (agony) you need to face it and get help.

·        If you are in emotional pain, leaning into it can be very helpful if you have support systems/resources around you. Emotional pain buried, eventually comes up and out like a zombie ready to destroy your life as you know it.

In this very long season of being in pain with this migraine, I have chosen to make peace with it. I have sought spiritual, medical, physical, and emotional help for it. Despite major efforts in every area – the pain remains. So, on many days, I decide to just be. In pain. The answers in the list above are the right answer for me, and some days, none of them are wrong.

A few things I KNOW for sure – Healing from pain requires community. Pain in isolation is dangerous. When we are brave and face our pain, we inspire others to do the same.

I’m praying for you. Pain Sucks.

Being Brave and Living Courageous

I’ve loved the ocean and water my whole life. It’s been a part of the metaphors of my battle with Depression and my battle with my weight. The ebb (low intensity) and flow (high intensity), high tide (eyebrow deep), low tide (all open and exposed), and rip currents (stuff you don’t see coming but if you fight it you sink and drown).

I’ve hated my body since I started puberty in 4^th grade. Yes, that young.

I’ve been much thinner, and I’ve been fatter than I am now. Regardless, the wrestling match over my body weight has felt ridiculously long and obscenely consuming.

I’m listening to Sara Bareilles sing “Brave”. The lyrics have fed my soul since I heard it for the first time – a friend sent it to me as an encouragement in a deeply tragic and painful time. I forgot how powerful it is. Therefore, I write. Honestly. Letting you in on the process.

Continuing to fight, wrestle, wrangle the weight I lose and gain and will lose again takes courage. Facing the SHAME of the decades of dieting, lifestyle changes, workout routines, planning, preparing and careful grocery shopping, and even weight rebound gains after having 85% of my stomach removed requires me to be BRAVE.

See, I know now, after doing this for my entire adult life, that I don’t hate myself, I hate the FIGHT with my body. When I back off and let my guard or my intensity down the fat rises with the predictability of the rising tide.

Shit.

I know. Potty mouth.

Then I read this blog yesterday and I found all the answers.

Anywhere I look to you or anyone else for my value or identity is going to put me on a pendulum – swinging one way or another - trying to behave/live/be a certain expected/preferred/desired way. I’ve done the big “Bird” to the world before and said I don’t care, but I do. I always do.

I can’t be the only one struggling here. We all need hope. We all need to know victory is possible. If I don’t shoot for victory will you have the courage to? Maybe. Hopefully. I hope I’m not the ONLY one you look to for complete inspiration – yikes! But we should look to each other for hope, right?

And of course, some of the spiritual ones would quote the scripture from my beloved Bible that says, 

“Such hope [in God’s promises] never disappoints us, because God’s love has been abundantly poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” Romans 5:5 (Amplified version-one of my favorites).

But what if I AM disappointed?

I am no Bible scholar, so this is just me talking, I’ve hoped in God’s promises almost all my life. There must be nooks, crannies, hidden passages of my heart where the disappointments hide. The abundant Love washes through my heart but doesn’t penetrate the places I’ve tucked away to hide my hopelessness and disappointment.

So, what to do?

Do I invite Spirit who was given to me to pour through even those places? I have before. It’s happened. I’m not just typing. I truly KNOW it’s real. The healing Power is real. By my own doubts, I give in to the “feel”, but I don’t stand firm on the Truth I know. Again, the tide pushes forward, sometimes only splashing hard enough to shake my balance, and other times with such might that I’m leveled. Flooded. Pondering surrender to the whim of the “feel”.

There is no easy way out. No easy solution. I am what and who I am. I like me. I don’t find me ugly or disturbing. But I am SICK OF THE STRUGGLE. SICK OF THE SHAME. SICK OF THE GUILT.

In the past I would have curled up and cried and said, “I can’t” a lot. Now, I have too much to do and I’m angry that these current things are slowing me down. I’m angry about the energy it sucks from my life instead giving life.

Now, because I’ve learned to “Own It” (take FULL responsibility with no excuses) I’m focused on moving forward despite the waves crashing at my throat. I can swim in rough waters. I can hold my breath and wait to float to the surface. I can push through yet another wave - physical, mental, or emotional, to reach the oxygen and breathe, if I stay steady on Truth.

When I don’t, I go under again. Thrashing for the surface while gasping for air.

I started my company, Live Courageous Coaching because I knew I wasn’t the only one struggling, wrestling and tangling with areas where I feel like I can’t seem to get traction. Owning, running, and LIVING Courageous keeps me honest about who I am, where I’m going and how I’m getting there. One day at a time, no matter the tide.