Messy Monday: Messy Month

What Do You Do with an Idea?

This was one of my most very favorite of all time Christmas gifts this year! I have always been fully loaded with ideas, and this story made me smile so deeply I think my toes sparkled! I will be spending this year using the really great insights in this book.

January is always my messiest month. It is the time of memories, melancholy, and missing motivation.

This year (so far) has been my least messy January. I know it's not quite over yet but its already light years from this time last year.

January comes fully loaded with melancholy memories:

• I had to give baby Joy back to Heaven.
• My Uncle (who I was super close to) went missing, later to be found in the bottom of a ravine.
• Our marriage hit an epic level speed bump.
• My best friend's Dad (from my childhood), who was like a second Dad to me passed away suddenly.
• I was betrayed by a trusted friend.
• My faith took a spectacular hit and started an entire year of suicidal thoughts and traumatizing fear.
• I began a migraine that would last for six miserable months. 

Depressed yet?! Right?!

Here is what's different THIS year:

• I miss my baby Joy, but it's finally like she's just tucked in my heart, the agony of losing her is a memory but not a crushing loss.
• My Uncle, I miss him. Often. But the relationship I have with his sons blesses me like crazy and I can hear and see so much of him in them, it's almost like he's still here.
• Our marriage is stronger, better for the painful struggle to recover and makes me smile when I think of it. 
• My best friend's Dad. I still miss him, but if, I stop, in the quiet moments, I can still hear his voice calling me Jenn-aaa-fur (emphasis on the aaa).
• My friend and I, we've worked it out. We're going to be okay.
• My faith is tougher, pretty close to unshakable (seriously knocking on my wooden head!). It's power is limitless and my passion for loving "Everybody Always" is freaking awesome!
• The migraine is over. Extracted with all my girl parts this past summer. No sign of anything like it happening again! Correctly monitored hormones being replaced as needed and watched over carefully. 

How did this transition happen? 

I took this advice VERY seriously. 

AND

I have a few big goals, a great job, and an opportunity to finish my education. These things are keeping me busy, challenged and happy. Our sons are changing in really cool ways, growing taller than me (2 of 3), making voice crack jokes and we're finally starting to pay them for grades.

If you have reached this point in January, still feeling discouraged or beginning to feel that way, reach out. To me. To someone. You don't have to do it alone. 

Where Do You BELONG?

Today's Prompt is the word BELONG. In October I am doing 31 Days Free Write for 5 Minutes.

Beginning in January I spent 19 days admitted to one of our regions hospitals, Sacred Heart Medical Center, for a migraine that didn't go away until early June. I was treated with extraordinary care, kindness, patience, and compassion, with consistency I have never experienced in any organization before. They made me feel like my individual care mattered to them. Every day, every night, and every time in between, the staff were there for me. There are still many stories to be told about this window of my pain season, but one of the most surprising highlights of those days of agony was spent in the care of the most loving place I've ever been outside of family and friends. 

The view from my window on the neurology unit.

Now, I BELONG there. Mid July I logged in to their website to pay my bill/update my financial aid request and I saw the link for Job Opportunities. I clicked, uploaded my resume' and said a prayer. October 1, I started working for the place that gave me a sanctuary in my agony. I hope to do the same for others. 

How Do You Feel in a CROWD?

I love writing with my Five Minute Friday CROWD. They are great people who have encouraged me consistently for several years.

This weeks writing prompt: CROWD.

October 2017 at Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta - BIG CROWD - no problem.

Sometimes I wonder if Jesus would have been defined as an introvert or an extrovert, I guess, officially if you believe as I do that He is God in the flesh, then He would have been both. I take comfort in that. In Him, understanding how I feel.

Since my epic migraine this year I have found myself to be much less extroverted. I don't want to be in groups of people. Even if I love them and they love me. I spent 6 months of my life so easily overwhelmed by the activity, voices, noise, personalities, atmospheres that returning to them is almost painful at times.

This makes me feel anxious.

I have dealt with anxiety for a long time in many ways for many reasons. But now, in a CROWD I feel it more intensely than ever before. I used to think it was because I was struggling with feeling like I didn't fit in or being focused on as the fattest girl in the room, but I figured out neither one of those are consistently true (but sometimes, they are).

Being in a CROWD now causes anxiety because I am still working my way back into fully involved life. The experience of menopause, daily activities, and juggling three boys and their busy schedules feels overwhelming, in my pre-epic migraine world. Add in weddings, picnics, swim meets, church, etc and the knot in my gut feels like a watermelon. Will I be able to have intelligent conversation? Will I even be able to think straight? Can I be "myself" there? My old self is different than my new self, will I still be acceptable? UGH! It keeps going...

Back to Jesus - I know I am always acceptable and loved by Him. I know He gets my struggle and if I say something irreverent or irrelevant, I will be forgiven.

But, right now, I'd rather be home, alone, or with my Love and my boys and not go or be anywhere I don't have to. And, if you see me out and about, you now know it wasn't easy to get there.

How a 145 Day Migraine Didn't Kill Me

This pic is from Frugal and Focused. Thank you!

This is my favorite quote by Corrie ten Boom who hid Jews from the Nazi's in her family home, the only one in her family who survived the Nazi death camp, and when released at age 53, she spent the next 32 years spreading the message of God's love in over 60 countries. She's my hero. Her life changed. A lot. She knew pain and she knew God. She didn't give up.

There have been several suicides lately. Crushed hearts and minds from pain, despair, hopelessness, and/or loneliness compelled some precious people to feel like it would never change and they wanted it to stop. I have been there. Recently.

One of the best books I listened to while I was struggling through my 145 day (yes, it was as AWFUL as it sounds) migraine was Option B by Sheryl Sandberg. In it she talks about the "3Ps" -this link has a detailed description of what they are and how they are defined- I will tell you how it impacted me:

Personalization - This is all my fault. If I wasn't so damn sensitive to all the strong and loud personalities in my house I wouldn't have this stupid migraine. Once again, life has proven I am defective. Migraines, infertility (for almost 10 years), clinical depression, anxiety, and obesity haunt me daily. I've had surgery, taken hormones, blood tests, done triathlons, and I even tried to learn to ski but blew out my knee. I am fat, in pain, and an emotional train wreck.

Permanence - This is never going to change. I will always be what I have always been, no matter how hard I try to change it. Time and time again it has been confirmed that this is the way I will always be. This headache, my body chemistry, my weight are destroying my family. We will never recover from this.

Pervasiveness- I am letting everyone down in every single way possible. I suck at being a wife, mom, Christian, PTO member, and friend. There is no way that anyone will tolerate me and my mess long term. I can't think, exercise, write, pray, read, work or anything. My life as I know it and understood it is in ruins.

This is ALL how I actually felt. A LOT. No amount of faith, prayer, encouragement from my Love, my kids, my family and friends budged me from this mindset moving in and out of my thought life. My psychiatrist (who I truly value but sometimes get frustrated with) doubled my anti-depressant dosage. He was WISE. I am not sure I would have made it out of this alive if he hadn't.

When your best friend brings you the GOOD
tissue & something that makes you smile.

During the 145 days, I spent 19 days in Providence Sacred Heart Medical Center, where I had extraordinary care from kind, concerned, genuine, consistent and extraordinary people. They hated to see me go, but they did everything medically possible to get rid of my pain. That place, their staff, and the gentle words and loving way they cared for me pushed back at my 3Ps beliefs.

When I came home on February 16, still in pain, the fear that things would never change amplified. My parents arrived (on plane tickets purchased in Nov 2017!) here the next day and spent almost two weeks tending to me and my family. Their daily presence squeezed out the thoughts, beliefs and fears crowding in during the dark quiet nights.

For decades, I have known my value and identity are not based on what I do but on Whose I am. Codependency, Boundary Issues, Fear, Depression, and Fat have pushed me to my limits in every direction. But THIS, this experience, this season of perpetual unrelenting migraine pain went beyond any of those things that threatened to destroy me before.

As soon as I finished listening to the book, I knew those 3Ps were going to be a part of my healing process, too. I had no idea when or how the migraine would finally go away, but I knew I needed an Option B too. I needed to be willing to let God invade all of those lies in my original 3Ps and speak Truth.

I took those 3Ps and used them as a springboard to change my thinking. Fifteen days out from the end of the migraine (that finally ended when I woke up from surgery) and I'm still working on them. It may be a bit before they aren't the first thoughts that pop into my head when hard things happen.

I am very Spirit-minded and believe passionately in being Spirit-led. I often pray my humanity to the background and ask that my spirit come to the foreground so I can be led by Spirit. This is the basis for my perspective on this.

Jenn's Version of the 3Ps:

Personalization - I live in a world where destruction, cruelty, devastation, and pain abound from all angles and happen to everyone. I am uniquely created, loved and called by my Creator to speak Life into darkness and let Light shine through me. If I "can't" in the moment, wait, and see the second P!

Permanence - When I keep moving forward I remind myself, things always change. Like the song says, "If you're going through hell, keep on going, don't slow down...". Thank you Rodney Atkins for that reminder! My perspective, limited. My Creator's perspective, Limitless.

Pervasiveness - One crappy thing does not equal everything is crappy. I can find the blessings and beauty when I look out the window, look at my kids (even if they're acting crappy), read something encouraging, and/or find something (not someone) to laugh at. Light can be found, usually. If not, see the second P!

My Creator, my Love (who never left my side and only blew his fuse a few times), my family, and my friends never gave up on me. It's a tricky journey, recovering from a migraine that long. When it started in January, I was a different person. Prolonged pain changes you. I'm finding out who I am now, on the other side. I have been stripped down and purged of my expectations of myself. But Light is more easily found these days and the rest will come...

Thank you Corrie, hero of mine, for setting the example of being who you're called to be no matter where you are or what you're going through and never giving up. This time my pit was really deep, but you reminded me how deep God is.

Is It Wrong to Ask?

Five minute Friday prompt today

Restore

GO

8 days after major surgery considering the word RESTORE I am thinking of what’s next. Being under the anesthesia delightfully ended the migraine that held me captive for 145 days straight.

I desperately want to get back to life and praying for full restoration of my body from all these months of confinement to my home with minimal travel and energy expended lest the migraine go from a 5 to a 10 on the pain scale.

I think of the verse about how God promises to restore the years the locusts have eaten (Joel 2:25), and I wonder what that looks like for me. Is it ALL that I’ve lost/missed in the past months or is it just the stuff that’s important to Him?

My prayer is that He will RESTORE the countless hours I spent in the dark, the countless dollars that we spent on medical bills and lost in income, the countless moments I missed interacting with my hubby, kids, our friends and families. I want him to restore it all.  

I know many others long for things much bigger than these and my requests may be selfish, but part of recognizing and pressing into the pain of this loss of almost 6 months is being honest about what I want restored. 

STOP

This is me in September of 2017. Before the epic migraine and major surgery. I miss her. 

Pain Sucks!

Pain sucks.

I could just leave that there and call it done. Migraine day 130.

Pain is like bad gas. One nasty fart, maybe two is forgivable, but if you sit in a room full of people and keep releasing toxic stench, they get sick of it and walk away. They may stay friends – from a distance - and try not to judge you or wish you’d just be done already, but they are uncomfortable with your pain, so they keep their distance.

You, on the other hand, are living with the stench. Like Pigpen from Peanuts, your cloud of pain is present, everywhere. Some people notice, can see the pain, but others don’t, for a million different reasons.

The pain of life is real. 

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH IT?

Here is where I give you the answer to that question… 

NOPE.

I don’t have it. All I have is my experience, my choices, and what those people around me have chosen.

How to deal with PAIN:

Ignore it.
Run from it.
Bury it.
Face it.
Lean in to it.
Push through it.
Make peace with it.

I honestly believe all these answers are right depending on the type of pain. However, each one of these are the wrong answer too.

For example:

       If you are in an abusive relationship – you need to run from it, not make peace with it.

·        If you are in physical pain (discomfort) you can ignore it or push through it, but if you are in physical pain (agony) you need to face it and get help.

·        If you are in emotional pain, leaning into it can be very helpful if you have support systems/resources around you. Emotional pain buried, eventually comes up and out like a zombie ready to destroy your life as you know it.

In this very long season of being in pain with this migraine, I have chosen to make peace with it. I have sought spiritual, medical, physical, and emotional help for it. Despite major efforts in every area – the pain remains. So, on many days, I decide to just be. In pain. The answers in the list above are the right answer for me, and some days, none of them are wrong.

A few things I KNOW for sure – Healing from pain requires community. Pain in isolation is dangerous. When we are brave and face our pain, we inspire others to do the same.

I’m praying for you. Pain Sucks.

Five Minute Friday - Pause

Writing again today with the Five Minute Friday gang. It seems to be the best easiest thing to semi-commit to for me these days.

Today's Prompt - Pause

I'm in the second longest Pause of my life. The first was our 9+ years of infertility before we had our first son. 125 days into this migraine is definitely a LONG PAUSE for a headache. Except unlike the Blu-Ray player, "PAUSE" means everything stops. Life doesn't work like that. Not during infertility and not during a migraine.

I've had bright moments - moments of fun or joy in the midst of this. I've had reminders that God is with me and this is not a reflection of His love (or lack of it) for me. This is just life. Being life. In life and living life.

I've had moments to PAUSE and remember that this pain is not the worst thing. I have friends with husbands to died, kids that died, car wrecks that destroyed careers, addictions that have broken relationships and so many more tragedies that could be listed.

This is NOT one of those.

PERSPECTIVE IS EVERYTHING.

When the flood of the pain and disruption of the life I want to live pours through, I have to PAUSE and remember to keep perspective. Find the joy (even if it means goofy unicorn balloons and party supplies for turning 47 today!). Pray for the ones doing even greater battle and press on.

STOP.

Include - Five Minute Friday

I've reheated my coffee for the 27th time, took my vitamins, and now absorbing the foul tasting CBD concentrate that has helped me survive over half of this 116+ day migraine. Yes. Almost four months of a non-stop migraine.

Moving on...

There have been other Five Minute Friday prompts that have stirred more up in me than this word today. But today the urge to write was unquenchable - so I'm doing it.

GO

How do I INCLUDE you in my current season?

Some want to help, some ask how I am, and some wish the pain would just be over so I could move on and they can stop feeling bad for me. Some want to pray for me, in person, laying on hands, anointing with oil and such, but I usually say no.

Don't get me wrong. I love to pray and be prayed for. But, this process/season/pain I'm in is specific, unique and incredibly uncomfortable. It's not that I don't trust the beloved ones who want to pray for me in person. It's that I can't handle the pressure of "are you better yet?" in their eyes after they pray.

So, pray for me, but in your heart, that God would complete this process/season/pain as soon as possible. I am not an endurance person, a marathon, long term-keep pushing forward-don't stop no matter how bad it hurts kind of girl.

I am a sprinter. Go hard. Go fast. Bust it out and get it done. Even if it hurts.

This does not work in this season. My being who I have been is not working anymore. It hasn't for 116+ days.

I have to change - not because I'm bad or doing something wrong, but because there is something more, something different that is happening in me, my family, and friends because of this. I am not a fan, but I am committed to seeing it through.
Ultimately, finally, hopefully I will:

STOP

I realize 5 minutes of writing barely scratches the surface of what I've been going through. If you want me to INCLUDE you in this process I'm in, you are welcome to subscribe to my blog. I don't know when I will write again, but when I do, you'll receive it.

Thanks for your time... now to go reheat my coffee, again.

Flexibility is KEY to Live Courageous!

When the word "Flexibility" came to mind as my focus for 2016 I had no clue what it might look like in the day - to - day reality. I am not, by nature (and nurture) a structured planner but I do like to have order and systems in place.

Until it becomes impossible to keep the order and run the systems. 

I spent 74 days with a migraine. On day 75, I woke up without one. It felt amazing. Like someone broke me out of jail and I could run free - but not very far. The migraine leveled my plans for the year. It forced changes in my life I didn't' know were needed and provided a re-alignment opportunity.

I had to wade in slowly to the water of my life, living more by an outline than a script. 

I used to believe my life needed more and more structure in order to be successful and achieve my goals. I mapped out my days with chunks of time allotted for each focus and tried to keep "on track". This amplified my anxiety and super-powered my stress. I discovered I was trying to make my round peg fit in a square hole (life by script). 

Living by outline means creating a framework of focus and choosing to find peace in the details. Flexibility as a lifestyle, instead of something forced by circumstance takes a crazy amount of courage (at least for me).

I love wisteria. It is a great example of what I'm talking about. The framework is the fence and the vine grows. It requires pruning (as do I) but its a messy kind of beautiful, like my life. I show up to grow, trust the process, thankful to adapt, and be fully present in the moment.

Now I am swimming strong, moving through the water of my life, establishing a new rhythm knowing flexibility is KEY to Live Courageous! 

Over My Head

For 38 days I have been dealing with a non-stop migraine. I've taken advice, been to ERs, spent the night in the hospital, shots in the butt, had full workups on my heart and head, natural medicine, acupuncture, chiropractic, massage, exercise, spiritual, psychiatric, emotional, you name it, I've done it. I still have another month to wait to see the headache specialist neurologist (yes, I'm on the cancellation list).

I couldn't see how my current situation reflected anything "courageous".
But then it occurred to me that sharing this might be:

Who I am -- Tenacious courageous woman hanging by the frayed end of the knot of my cope rope.
What I'm walking through --- Constant pain affecting every aspect of my ability to function
When - Every.single.day.
Where I am -- Desperately missing my life
Why - No one has ANY idea. There are literally thousands of thoughts, opinions and possibilities. I've heard most of them. It's too much. It will be figured out when it is. I'm working every angle and possibility that I have energy for at any given moment.

HOW am I going to deal with this?
Push through the pain.
Push away the pain medicine.
Push into hope.
Receive the help I've been given.
Receive the love provided for me.
Receive the purpose of this experience for strengthening not destruction.

To Live Courageous! is to NOT GIVE UP. To make a plan. To believe nothing awful lasts forever and even the good stuff may pass, but it will come again.

And to know that just because there is a setback, that doesn't mean you can't come back stronger, faster, smarter and better than you ever have been. I'm counting on it.

Live Courageous! means MOVE FORWARD

Over my head in migraine pain, longing, begging for answers, craving some sort of “normalcy” to return. What does courage look like in moments like these? I’m not exactly sure for every day, but for today I think it looks like:

Sticking with my super clean protein shake, coffee, water, chamomile tea, listening to a sermon preached by a friend, worship sent by another, advice from another, praying for others in deeper challenges than I am, and writing.

I am supposed to be training for the Half Ironman just a little over four months away and I still have yet to get a solid week of training in. Sick kids, sinus and ear infections, migraines, travel, you name it, it’s encroached upon my plans to meet this goal I’ve had for four years. Many don’t believe I can do it. Several want me to but aren't sure I can finish. Some are convinced I can do it, even this late in the training season. Others don’t want me to try. 

I choose to MOVE FORWARD. Because that is what I firmly believe changes things.
MOVE FORWARD.

I share all this with you, so you know, that when I choose to LIVE COURAGEOUS! it’s not because it’s easy for me either.

Find one way you can MOVE FORWARD today and list it in the comments below. I will cheer you on!

Blessings and love!
Jenn