Messy Monday: Who Determines Your Value Part 2

Last week I wrote about who I let determine my value in my youth. My parents and my two closest best friends were powerful components to me becoming who I am today. Like I said before, certainly not the only influences, but definitely transforming.

I have had some incredible people surround me in my adulthood who have shaped my understanding of my value. When my Love and I moved to Idaho before our first anniversary I had no idea how my Idaho people would become a whole layer of family I never imagined possible.

But, before that... I signed over my value to someone at the ripe old age of 20.

Back then I thought that was what you did. You lean in to the one you say "I do, forever til death do us part," and that's it. He's mine, I'm his, and that's the way God designed it to be. That is what I'd been taught, what I'd seen and all I knew. 

The problem with giving your freshly appointed spouse the power to determine your VALUE is they don't know what it means when you do that. They don't realize what happens inside you when:

• They get frustrated with you - YOU are wrong
• They are hurt - YOU hurt them
• They are unhappy - YOU are failing
• They aren't getting what they want out of life - YOU are at fault

Sometimes, in marriage, we get frustrated, hurt, unhappy, and unfulfilled and blame each other. I believe that is a normal part of the adjustment of doing life together. And even, 27+ years down the road, I can say it still happens. The results aren't the same, but the feelings are real. Emotional and physical pain have a way of stripping us down even more.

When I gave my VALUE to him and left him in charge of how I saw myself, I set us both up for epic failure. And that's what happened.

Unfortunately those feelings, can lead to pushing back and dishing the same yuck out that we believe we've received. And sometimes it feels justified. Sometimes it might be. However, that is no way to live. That is only living "... for worse, til death do us part".

When I sat sobbing in our counselor's office 20+ years in, reeling from another trauma (I believe the stats are every 5-7 years - we have found that to be true) in our marriage, he asked me why I put my husband on a pedestal. I looked back, confused. What? My world just blew up, how did I have him on a pedestal?

It turns out, when you let someone (anyone, actually) determine your VALUE, you are elevating them beyond the heights they actually live, or can live up to.

Every time I left my VALUE to be determined by someone else, I experienced a crushing in my soul that left me with the limp I have today. I believe it is here to stay as a reminder to not give my VALUE away ever again.

I am a created being. Cell upon cell, doubling, exponentially increasing and a month late for my birthday. The One I call God, formed me. Spirit leads me now, in a way like never before, and my Jesus, the Lover of my soul, is more real now than I thought was possible.

After the implosion of every pedestal I put my beloved people on, I am moving forward with greater purpose and intention to LIVE my VALUE every day. I was created with VALUE, I have the opportunity to communicate this with my words and actions.

I am free to love and be loved. To treasure and be treasured. To cherish and be cherished. The pains of being in relationships no longer cause my VALUE to fluctuate.

Let me know if I can help you learn how to experience your VALUE for yourself.

Blessings!

WHY is this happening to me?!

Free Writing Prompt Day 4 - Write for 5 minutes on this word: WHY?

GO.

We had something traumatic happen in our family recently. My heart and mind soaked it up and hit repeat, It was visceral. On an automatic loop in my head, but also all the sweat soaking anxiety, punched in the gut, smashed in the face blasting, over and over again. After about four days of this non-stop earth shaking craziness happening in me, I finally asked God:

WHY?

Looking close at anything alters your perspective.

Why am I reliving this trauma on a loop like a song I hate on shuffle in my head?

Why can't I shake the internal quaking loose and let it go?

Why does it feel like its embedded in my spirit? 

The answer came in the still small voice, I've heard all my life, "This isn't about you. It's about Me, the bigger picture, the scope reaches far beyond what you will ever see. I am sorry it hurts with such intensity. Please trust Me on this."

Then I felt the release. My heart still ached from the events that could never be undone, but, the realization that something bigger was going on brought enough peace to not obsess. The panic attacks slowly subsided and the hyper-vigilance I was living in, washed away eventually. 

Since then, I try to keep in mind that the question WHY really can't be answered most of the time. Not from an earthly perspective, anyway. 

STOP. 

How a 145 Day Migraine Didn't Kill Me

This pic is from Frugal and Focused. Thank you!

This is my favorite quote by Corrie ten Boom who hid Jews from the Nazi's in her family home, the only one in her family who survived the Nazi death camp, and when released at age 53, she spent the next 32 years spreading the message of God's love in over 60 countries. She's my hero. Her life changed. A lot. She knew pain and she knew God. She didn't give up.

There have been several suicides lately. Crushed hearts and minds from pain, despair, hopelessness, and/or loneliness compelled some precious people to feel like it would never change and they wanted it to stop. I have been there. Recently.

One of the best books I listened to while I was struggling through my 145 day (yes, it was as AWFUL as it sounds) migraine was Option B by Sheryl Sandberg. In it she talks about the "3Ps" -this link has a detailed description of what they are and how they are defined- I will tell you how it impacted me:

Personalization - This is all my fault. If I wasn't so damn sensitive to all the strong and loud personalities in my house I wouldn't have this stupid migraine. Once again, life has proven I am defective. Migraines, infertility (for almost 10 years), clinical depression, anxiety, and obesity haunt me daily. I've had surgery, taken hormones, blood tests, done triathlons, and I even tried to learn to ski but blew out my knee. I am fat, in pain, and an emotional train wreck.

Permanence - This is never going to change. I will always be what I have always been, no matter how hard I try to change it. Time and time again it has been confirmed that this is the way I will always be. This headache, my body chemistry, my weight are destroying my family. We will never recover from this.

Pervasiveness- I am letting everyone down in every single way possible. I suck at being a wife, mom, Christian, PTO member, and friend. There is no way that anyone will tolerate me and my mess long term. I can't think, exercise, write, pray, read, work or anything. My life as I know it and understood it is in ruins.

This is ALL how I actually felt. A LOT. No amount of faith, prayer, encouragement from my Love, my kids, my family and friends budged me from this mindset moving in and out of my thought life. My psychiatrist (who I truly value but sometimes get frustrated with) doubled my anti-depressant dosage. He was WISE. I am not sure I would have made it out of this alive if he hadn't.

When your best friend brings you the GOOD
tissue & something that makes you smile.

During the 145 days, I spent 19 days in Providence Sacred Heart Medical Center, where I had extraordinary care from kind, concerned, genuine, consistent and extraordinary people. They hated to see me go, but they did everything medically possible to get rid of my pain. That place, their staff, and the gentle words and loving way they cared for me pushed back at my 3Ps beliefs.

When I came home on February 16, still in pain, the fear that things would never change amplified. My parents arrived (on plane tickets purchased in Nov 2017!) here the next day and spent almost two weeks tending to me and my family. Their daily presence squeezed out the thoughts, beliefs and fears crowding in during the dark quiet nights.

For decades, I have known my value and identity are not based on what I do but on Whose I am. Codependency, Boundary Issues, Fear, Depression, and Fat have pushed me to my limits in every direction. But THIS, this experience, this season of perpetual unrelenting migraine pain went beyond any of those things that threatened to destroy me before.

As soon as I finished listening to the book, I knew those 3Ps were going to be a part of my healing process, too. I had no idea when or how the migraine would finally go away, but I knew I needed an Option B too. I needed to be willing to let God invade all of those lies in my original 3Ps and speak Truth.

I took those 3Ps and used them as a springboard to change my thinking. Fifteen days out from the end of the migraine (that finally ended when I woke up from surgery) and I'm still working on them. It may be a bit before they aren't the first thoughts that pop into my head when hard things happen.

I am very Spirit-minded and believe passionately in being Spirit-led. I often pray my humanity to the background and ask that my spirit come to the foreground so I can be led by Spirit. This is the basis for my perspective on this.

Jenn's Version of the 3Ps:

Personalization - I live in a world where destruction, cruelty, devastation, and pain abound from all angles and happen to everyone. I am uniquely created, loved and called by my Creator to speak Life into darkness and let Light shine through me. If I "can't" in the moment, wait, and see the second P!

Permanence - When I keep moving forward I remind myself, things always change. Like the song says, "If you're going through hell, keep on going, don't slow down...". Thank you Rodney Atkins for that reminder! My perspective, limited. My Creator's perspective, Limitless.

Pervasiveness - One crappy thing does not equal everything is crappy. I can find the blessings and beauty when I look out the window, look at my kids (even if they're acting crappy), read something encouraging, and/or find something (not someone) to laugh at. Light can be found, usually. If not, see the second P!

My Creator, my Love (who never left my side and only blew his fuse a few times), my family, and my friends never gave up on me. It's a tricky journey, recovering from a migraine that long. When it started in January, I was a different person. Prolonged pain changes you. I'm finding out who I am now, on the other side. I have been stripped down and purged of my expectations of myself. But Light is more easily found these days and the rest will come...

Thank you Corrie, hero of mine, for setting the example of being who you're called to be no matter where you are or what you're going through and never giving up. This time my pit was really deep, but you reminded me how deep God is.