PRACTICE the Basics - Five Minute Friday

I'm writing with the Five Minute Friday bunch today.

The prompt is PRACTICE.

I am having a hard time getting back into shape. I spent the past 11 months recovering from a migraine that almost killed me. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, I have changed forever because of it. I am not sure the changes are good or bad. They just are. More on that another time.

PRACTICE the basics - Walking. Walking is good. It's boring. Unless I watch for beauty. But, it doesn't freak me out. Hopefully swimming will be a blessing soon too. In this place of PRACTICE I have had to give myself permission to slow down.

I learned in a Mental Health First Aid class something that brought an enormous revelation for me. If panic attacks have been a part of your life (they have) then the feeling of getting your heart rate up to get a good workout going can feel as awful as a panic attack.

I have to PRACTICE walking, building endurance and reminding myself over and over again that I am doing this by choice, I am okay, and everything is okay.

I am not a fan of this. I kind of resent it. I used to pound out a crazy hard workout and love it. Now, I have to work my way S-L-O-W-L-Y back into shape.

WHY is this happening to me?!

Free Writing Prompt Day 4 - Write for 5 minutes on this word: WHY?

GO.

We had something traumatic happen in our family recently. My heart and mind soaked it up and hit repeat, It was visceral. On an automatic loop in my head, but also all the sweat soaking anxiety, punched in the gut, smashed in the face blasting, over and over again. After about four days of this non-stop earth shaking craziness happening in me, I finally asked God:

WHY?

Looking close at anything alters your perspective.

Why am I reliving this trauma on a loop like a song I hate on shuffle in my head?

Why can't I shake the internal quaking loose and let it go?

Why does it feel like its embedded in my spirit? 

The answer came in the still small voice, I've heard all my life, "This isn't about you. It's about Me, the bigger picture, the scope reaches far beyond what you will ever see. I am sorry it hurts with such intensity. Please trust Me on this."

Then I felt the release. My heart still ached from the events that could never be undone, but, the realization that something bigger was going on brought enough peace to not obsess. The panic attacks slowly subsided and the hyper-vigilance I was living in, washed away eventually. 

Since then, I try to keep in mind that the question WHY really can't be answered most of the time. Not from an earthly perspective, anyway. 

STOP.