Messy Monday: Who Determines Your Value Part 2

Last week I wrote about who I let determine my value in my youth. My parents and my two closest best friends were powerful components to me becoming who I am today. Like I said before, certainly not the only influences, but definitely transforming.

I have had some incredible people surround me in my adulthood who have shaped my understanding of my value. When my Love and I moved to Idaho before our first anniversary I had no idea how my Idaho people would become a whole layer of family I never imagined possible.

But, before that... I signed over my value to someone at the ripe old age of 20.

Back then I thought that was what you did. You lean in to the one you say "I do, forever til death do us part," and that's it. He's mine, I'm his, and that's the way God designed it to be. That is what I'd been taught, what I'd seen and all I knew. 

The problem with giving your freshly appointed spouse the power to determine your VALUE is they don't know what it means when you do that. They don't realize what happens inside you when:

• They get frustrated with you - YOU are wrong
• They are hurt - YOU hurt them
• They are unhappy - YOU are failing
• They aren't getting what they want out of life - YOU are at fault

Sometimes, in marriage, we get frustrated, hurt, unhappy, and unfulfilled and blame each other. I believe that is a normal part of the adjustment of doing life together. And even, 27+ years down the road, I can say it still happens. The results aren't the same, but the feelings are real. Emotional and physical pain have a way of stripping us down even more.

When I gave my VALUE to him and left him in charge of how I saw myself, I set us both up for epic failure. And that's what happened.

Unfortunately those feelings, can lead to pushing back and dishing the same yuck out that we believe we've received. And sometimes it feels justified. Sometimes it might be. However, that is no way to live. That is only living "... for worse, til death do us part".

When I sat sobbing in our counselor's office 20+ years in, reeling from another trauma (I believe the stats are every 5-7 years - we have found that to be true) in our marriage, he asked me why I put my husband on a pedestal. I looked back, confused. What? My world just blew up, how did I have him on a pedestal?

It turns out, when you let someone (anyone, actually) determine your VALUE, you are elevating them beyond the heights they actually live, or can live up to.

Every time I left my VALUE to be determined by someone else, I experienced a crushing in my soul that left me with the limp I have today. I believe it is here to stay as a reminder to not give my VALUE away ever again.

I am a created being. Cell upon cell, doubling, exponentially increasing and a month late for my birthday. The One I call God, formed me. Spirit leads me now, in a way like never before, and my Jesus, the Lover of my soul, is more real now than I thought was possible.

After the implosion of every pedestal I put my beloved people on, I am moving forward with greater purpose and intention to LIVE my VALUE every day. I was created with VALUE, I have the opportunity to communicate this with my words and actions.

I am free to love and be loved. To treasure and be treasured. To cherish and be cherished. The pains of being in relationships no longer cause my VALUE to fluctuate.

Let me know if I can help you learn how to experience your VALUE for yourself.

Blessings!

Messy Monday: Who Determines Your Value? Part 1

I talked about VALUE in my Five Minute Friday post last week and said I might bring it up again today because it is a HUGE part of what I believe changes and challenges to become the best people we can be. In becoming the best people we can be we need to keep in mind when and where we began to understand our value.

Who Determines Your Value?

Is it someone in your family? A parent? A child? A spouse? A friend? A lover? An ex __ ? God?

If you were raised in a Christian home like I was, where having a relationship with God was  discussed on a regular basis, your automatic response might be: "God is the one who determines my value." That's what I would have said.

Before.

Before my automatic response was assaulted by heartbreak, pain, lies, and exposure of things covered I didn't even think to look for.

The real answer comes in a long process; of discovering the things (and people) I'd given so much power to, so much of my value to, exposing the lies I believed about myself, and chronic pain in one form or another took a toll on my belief systems, and left me with a limp in my core. And I'm okay with that.

This limp I have, this is how I see you. How I hear you. How I come to know you.

I could start at the first place I knew my value was determined - My parents. But that would make for a long story. My parents weren't perfect, but they loved me, loved my sister and loved each other, even when it was ridiculously painful and hard to do so.

I had one constant friend who was strong, opinionated, cared about me, had parents that cared about me, and I let her take the lead in my value determination for a season (it was never her intent, I didn't know it either, at the time). This relationship stands out from the others because it was consistent.



Our almost 40 years of friendship remains intact and I treasure it now more than ever before. We had the backdrop of horses and horse shows, The Police (the band) obsessing, stirrup pants wearing, spiked hair styling, and parents who passionately loved us both. We grew together, we grew apart, we grew up and we talked then and now about the REAL life challenges we face along the way.

Here is what I learned from her: Don't quit. Don't be afraid. Details matter. No one but me should determine my value. 

Another key person to shape my value was a boy friend who became a boyfriend. Hanging out, talking late and cracking each other up, we were buddies. It seemed like we both knew the "right people" at school but didn't quite fit in, but we always fit together. I loved his family. He loved mine.

Once in college, a horseback riding accident of mine alerted him to deeper feelings and we became a couple. He was the first guy, besides my Daddy, to make me feel like I was a treasure to be protected and loved. We were a great team, friends forever for sure, but I didn't believe I would be good enough for him. It was sad. We were used to leaning on our friendship, and while we still cared deeply for each other we knew moving on was important.

Now, we're friends, from a distance. The kind of distance that is proper for both of us who have been married over twenty years to other people. I have tremendous peace the right choice was made, but sometimes, when the right song comes on, I can flash back to he and I in the "banana-mobile" rocking out over the healthy loud rumble of its motor.

What I learned from him: You can be a badass and be kind (he was an athlete AND a nice guy). I deserve to be respected. Relationships are better when they start as friends. Don't give up.

I had several other wonderful friendships during these seasons of life, but when I looked back on WHO shaped my understanding of my value, these two were key. I challenge you to write down what you learned from at least two of the people who were powerful influences in your life before you turned 21.

Are you wondering how I ended up with a limp in my soul? Tune in next week for Messy Monday: Who Determines Your Value Part 2.

Five Minute Friday: VALUE

The Five Minute Friday Prompt today is VALUE. This topic is dear to my heart. I may revisit it on this week's Messy Monday because this key piece of self awareness can change your ability to love the life you live.

People are rose petals in the grass of life.
Your VALUE is vibrant (even if you didn't get out of bed today)!

Do you think your VALUE increases or decreases based on what you do or don't do?

1) Do you wonder if you were only different/better the people around you would be happier?
2) Do you feel lost or anxious when you aren't accomplishing something?

What do you do about it?

1) Make a mantra you can recite every time you feel like you have little to no VALUE.
     For example: "I have great value because I am loved and I love others."
2) Ask yourself if your friend or family member did/didn't do what you you did, would you talk to them the same way you talk to yourself?

Most of us grow up believing our VALUE fluctuates based on what we do or don't do. I'm here to tell you it does not. How do I know? The Creator says so. I don't have time to elaborate since my 5 minutes are up, but this is something I know based on decades of experiences of being loved and loving others.

WHO is Perfect?

WHO do you give yourself permission to be? Do you have to be perfect or do you feel guilty if you aren't?

WHO do you give the people around you permission to be? Do you allow the people around you to be imperfect or do you demand perfection?

The Five Minute Friday prompt this week is WHO

I want to do this -->

I want to intentionally express to the people around me, starting in my home, they are LOVED and they BELONG.

They don't have to do "it" right. They don't have to "be" anything in particular.And they never have to be perfect to be in relationship with me.

WHO do you value?
How do you communicate that to them?
Do they feel like they belong in your presence?
If they do, how do you know?
If they don't, how do you know?

The book I've listened to twice because it was so incredibly insightful, was Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone by Brene' Brown. Read it. It's fantastic! Encouraging in this day and age where so many are trying to prove they matter.

Your STORY Matters

This is the first day of the five minute prompts to encourage writers from all over the world to put fingers to letters and get words on the page. I can write for five minutes. It will take me longer to edit, add links, pictures or music or whatever, but for some reason, the idea of writing for five minutes on any topic doesn't seem as intimidating as it once was.

STORY

Go.

When God created us, the plan was for us to be connected. Our stories intertwine because that's how we were designed. Your story matters to me, and my story matters to you. Why? Because you have great value and so do I.

We don't always honor each other's stories like we should.

How do you value the story of someone you don't know?

If they are rude, be kind. If they are hungry, feed them, If they are broken, bring healing. If they are lost, find them, see them.

Part of becoming a wise and kind world citizen is living as if the people you know AND the people you don't know, both have an impact on your life. We are closer than we think and when we encounter other people created in the image of the God we proclaim as ours, make space for their story. You never know the impact you may have on them, or they may have on you.

Stop.