Who Determines Your Value?
Is it someone in your family? A parent? A child? A spouse? A friend? A lover? An ex __ ? God?
If you were raised in a Christian home like I was, where having a relationship with God was discussed on a regular basis, your automatic response might be: "God is the one who determines my value." That's what I would have said.
Before.
Before my automatic response was assaulted by heartbreak, pain, lies, and exposure of things covered I didn't even think to look for.
The real answer comes in a long process; of discovering the things (and people) I'd given so much power to, so much of my value to, exposing the lies I believed about myself, and chronic pain in one form or another took a toll on my belief systems, and left me with a limp in my core. And I'm okay with that.
This limp I have, this is how I see you. How I hear you. How I come to know you.
I could start at the first place I knew my value was determined - My parents. But that would make for a long story. My parents weren't perfect, but they loved me, loved my sister and loved each other, even when it was ridiculously painful and hard to do so.
I had one constant friend who was strong, opinionated, cared about me, had parents that cared about me, and I let her take the lead in my value determination for a season (it was never her intent, I didn't know it either, at the time). This relationship stands out from the others because it was consistent.
Our almost 40 years of friendship remains intact and I treasure it now more than ever before. We had the backdrop of horses and horse shows, The Police (the band) obsessing, stirrup pants wearing, spiked hair styling, and parents who passionately loved us both. We grew together, we grew apart, we grew up and we talked then and now about the REAL life challenges we face along the way.
Here is what I learned from her: Don't quit. Don't be afraid. Details matter. No one but me should determine my value.
Another key person to shape my value was a boy friend who became a boyfriend. Hanging out, talking late and cracking each other up, we were buddies. It seemed like we both knew the "right people" at school but didn't quite fit in, but we always fit together. I loved his family. He loved mine.
Once in college, a horseback riding accident of mine alerted him to deeper feelings and we became a couple. He was the first guy, besides my Daddy, to make me feel like I was a treasure to be protected and loved. We were a great team, friends forever for sure, but I didn't believe I would be good enough for him. It was sad. We were used to leaning on our friendship, and while we still cared deeply for each other we knew moving on was important.
Now, we're friends, from a distance. The kind of distance that is proper for both of us who have been married over twenty years to other people. I have tremendous peace the right choice was made, but sometimes, when the right song comes on, I can flash back to he and I in the "banana-mobile" rocking out over the healthy loud rumble of its motor.
What I learned from him: You can be a badass and be kind (he was an athlete AND a nice guy). I deserve to be respected. Relationships are better when they start as friends. Don't give up.
I had several other wonderful friendships during these seasons of life, but when I looked back on WHO shaped my understanding of my value, these two were key. I challenge you to write down what you learned from at least two of the people who were powerful influences in your life before you turned 21.
Are you wondering how I ended up with a limp in my soul? Tune in next week for Messy Monday: Who Determines Your Value Part 2.
