Messy Monday: Who Determines Your Value Part 2

Last week I wrote about who I let determine my value in my youth. My parents and my two closest best friends were powerful components to me becoming who I am today. Like I said before, certainly not the only influences, but definitely transforming.

I have had some incredible people surround me in my adulthood who have shaped my understanding of my value. When my Love and I moved to Idaho before our first anniversary I had no idea how my Idaho people would become a whole layer of family I never imagined possible.

But, before that... I signed over my value to someone at the ripe old age of 20.

Back then I thought that was what you did. You lean in to the one you say "I do, forever til death do us part," and that's it. He's mine, I'm his, and that's the way God designed it to be. That is what I'd been taught, what I'd seen and all I knew. 

The problem with giving your freshly appointed spouse the power to determine your VALUE is they don't know what it means when you do that. They don't realize what happens inside you when:

• They get frustrated with you - YOU are wrong
• They are hurt - YOU hurt them
• They are unhappy - YOU are failing
• They aren't getting what they want out of life - YOU are at fault

Sometimes, in marriage, we get frustrated, hurt, unhappy, and unfulfilled and blame each other. I believe that is a normal part of the adjustment of doing life together. And even, 27+ years down the road, I can say it still happens. The results aren't the same, but the feelings are real. Emotional and physical pain have a way of stripping us down even more.

When I gave my VALUE to him and left him in charge of how I saw myself, I set us both up for epic failure. And that's what happened.

Unfortunately those feelings, can lead to pushing back and dishing the same yuck out that we believe we've received. And sometimes it feels justified. Sometimes it might be. However, that is no way to live. That is only living "... for worse, til death do us part".

When I sat sobbing in our counselor's office 20+ years in, reeling from another trauma (I believe the stats are every 5-7 years - we have found that to be true) in our marriage, he asked me why I put my husband on a pedestal. I looked back, confused. What? My world just blew up, how did I have him on a pedestal?

It turns out, when you let someone (anyone, actually) determine your VALUE, you are elevating them beyond the heights they actually live, or can live up to.

Every time I left my VALUE to be determined by someone else, I experienced a crushing in my soul that left me with the limp I have today. I believe it is here to stay as a reminder to not give my VALUE away ever again.

I am a created being. Cell upon cell, doubling, exponentially increasing and a month late for my birthday. The One I call God, formed me. Spirit leads me now, in a way like never before, and my Jesus, the Lover of my soul, is more real now than I thought was possible.

After the implosion of every pedestal I put my beloved people on, I am moving forward with greater purpose and intention to LIVE my VALUE every day. I was created with VALUE, I have the opportunity to communicate this with my words and actions.

I am free to love and be loved. To treasure and be treasured. To cherish and be cherished. The pains of being in relationships no longer cause my VALUE to fluctuate.

Let me know if I can help you learn how to experience your VALUE for yourself.

Blessings!

CAPTURE To Break Free

CAPTURE is the Five Minute Free Write for today. It is sparking some interesting thoughts for me.

Ever since I had an unfortunate experience of transference over 20 years ago, I have been extra aware of the need to CAPTURE my thoughts before they run away and take on a life of their own.

Perspective is everything.

I've found it's not enough to CAPTURE my thoughts, but I have to re-frame them and see with a more powerful perspective. "I am not the center of the Universe!" How something effects me isn't the ultimate guide to decision making. Right?!

Our society has cultivated a victim mindset in so many ways that its become as subtle as a whispered lie in my ear. In order to recognize and live the freedom God has given me in Jesus, I have to not only CAPTURE the thoughts that seem so real and rational but replace them with wisdom that isn't focused on my self-serving perspective.

If you aren't a big Jesus fan, that's just fine. There is still more freedom on the other side of CAPTURing self-serving/destructive/unhealthy thoughts and shifting perspective to see a bigger picture.

After all these years of practice I have developed a unique way of doing this. For more information or to schedule a free consult, send me an email at uniquelycraftedpurpose@gmail.com.

Five Minute Friday Free Write: SHARE

Writing and posting every day this month is quite a challenge for me. I seldom give myself permission to write consistently. I love it. But, I am always able to find something I "need" or my family "needs" me to do instead. Making time to write, every single day, starting a new job, juggling kids with sports, homework and the usual day to day life stuff is tricky, but it feels really good. Mostly.

Until this prompt: SHARE
What I wanted to do was write about my dog Sophie and how fun it is to share my life with her and her impact on my life. Isn't she adorable? I think so.

But no. In the shower this morning God and I had a meeting. It seems I am to truly SHARE stuff. Real stuff. So. Here. I ...

GO.

I sang my son Jesus Loves Me after he told me he didn't know any worship songs in his head to think about. I was crushed. The other two boys have an entire gigantic catalog of worship songs floating through their heads. All. The. Time. I hear their cracking puberty stricken voices singing them throughout the day. I love it. But, my youngest doesn't live with that in his head and heart. Unfortunately that begins a ridiculous bit of self crushing momologue (monologue saturated with mom-guilt) about how I've failed him as a parent. Seriously. 

And there's this. 

I am STILL trying to get validation on random things. I feel compelled to inform my Love whenever I clean out a drawer (or 3), cook a bunch of meals (or 1), play with the kids, clean up after myself and wash the sheets. Like I should get a prize for that?! Maybe I should. What do you think? 

Do I need validation from anyone for doing life? I have a good life. Some days I work harder than others physically. Other days I work harder mentally. Some days I just barely show up and get my bra on the right way. 

STOP. 

I am learning how to BE. BE okay with imperfection, singing Jesus Loves Me instead of him telling me what songs he knows, BE satisfied with a good day's work because I am, not because anyone might tell me I'm amazing. God says I am. I want that to be enough. 

And, because I can't help myself...

I must CHER once more ...

Hee Hee... SHARE/CHER... 

How Do You Feel in a CROWD?

I love writing with my Five Minute Friday CROWD. They are great people who have encouraged me consistently for several years.

This weeks writing prompt: CROWD.

October 2017 at Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta - BIG CROWD - no problem.

Sometimes I wonder if Jesus would have been defined as an introvert or an extrovert, I guess, officially if you believe as I do that He is God in the flesh, then He would have been both. I take comfort in that. In Him, understanding how I feel.

Since my epic migraine this year I have found myself to be much less extroverted. I don't want to be in groups of people. Even if I love them and they love me. I spent 6 months of my life so easily overwhelmed by the activity, voices, noise, personalities, atmospheres that returning to them is almost painful at times.

This makes me feel anxious.

I have dealt with anxiety for a long time in many ways for many reasons. But now, in a CROWD I feel it more intensely than ever before. I used to think it was because I was struggling with feeling like I didn't fit in or being focused on as the fattest girl in the room, but I figured out neither one of those are consistently true (but sometimes, they are).

Being in a CROWD now causes anxiety because I am still working my way back into fully involved life. The experience of menopause, daily activities, and juggling three boys and their busy schedules feels overwhelming, in my pre-epic migraine world. Add in weddings, picnics, swim meets, church, etc and the knot in my gut feels like a watermelon. Will I be able to have intelligent conversation? Will I even be able to think straight? Can I be "myself" there? My old self is different than my new self, will I still be acceptable? UGH! It keeps going...

Back to Jesus - I know I am always acceptable and loved by Him. I know He gets my struggle and if I say something irreverent or irrelevant, I will be forgiven.

But, right now, I'd rather be home, alone, or with my Love and my boys and not go or be anywhere I don't have to. And, if you see me out and about, you now know it wasn't easy to get there.