Include - Five Minute Friday

I've reheated my coffee for the 27th time, took my vitamins, and now absorbing the foul tasting CBD concentrate that has helped me survive over half of this 116+ day migraine. Yes. Almost four months of a non-stop migraine.

Moving on...

There have been other Five Minute Friday prompts that have stirred more up in me than this word today. But today the urge to write was unquenchable - so I'm doing it.

GO

How do I INCLUDE you in my current season?

Some want to help, some ask how I am, and some wish the pain would just be over so I could move on and they can stop feeling bad for me. Some want to pray for me, in person, laying on hands, anointing with oil and such, but I usually say no.

Don't get me wrong. I love to pray and be prayed for. But, this process/season/pain I'm in is specific, unique and incredibly uncomfortable. It's not that I don't trust the beloved ones who want to pray for me in person. It's that I can't handle the pressure of "are you better yet?" in their eyes after they pray.

So, pray for me, but in your heart, that God would complete this process/season/pain as soon as possible. I am not an endurance person, a marathon, long term-keep pushing forward-don't stop no matter how bad it hurts kind of girl.

I am a sprinter. Go hard. Go fast. Bust it out and get it done. Even if it hurts.

This does not work in this season. My being who I have been is not working anymore. It hasn't for 116+ days.

I have to change - not because I'm bad or doing something wrong, but because there is something more, something different that is happening in me, my family, and friends because of this. I am not a fan, but I am committed to seeing it through.
Ultimately, finally, hopefully I will:

STOP

I realize 5 minutes of writing barely scratches the surface of what I've been going through. If you want me to INCLUDE you in this process I'm in, you are welcome to subscribe to my blog. I don't know when I will write again, but when I do, you'll receive it.

Thanks for your time... now to go reheat my coffee, again.

Flexibility is KEY to Live Courageous!

When the word "Flexibility" came to mind as my focus for 2016 I had no clue what it might look like in the day - to - day reality. I am not, by nature (and nurture) a structured planner but I do like to have order and systems in place.

Until it becomes impossible to keep the order and run the systems. 

I spent 74 days with a migraine. On day 75, I woke up without one. It felt amazing. Like someone broke me out of jail and I could run free - but not very far. The migraine leveled my plans for the year. It forced changes in my life I didn't' know were needed and provided a re-alignment opportunity.

I had to wade in slowly to the water of my life, living more by an outline than a script. 

I used to believe my life needed more and more structure in order to be successful and achieve my goals. I mapped out my days with chunks of time allotted for each focus and tried to keep "on track". This amplified my anxiety and super-powered my stress. I discovered I was trying to make my round peg fit in a square hole (life by script). 

Living by outline means creating a framework of focus and choosing to find peace in the details. Flexibility as a lifestyle, instead of something forced by circumstance takes a crazy amount of courage (at least for me).

I love wisteria. It is a great example of what I'm talking about. The framework is the fence and the vine grows. It requires pruning (as do I) but its a messy kind of beautiful, like my life. I show up to grow, trust the process, thankful to adapt, and be fully present in the moment.

Now I am swimming strong, moving through the water of my life, establishing a new rhythm knowing flexibility is KEY to Live Courageous! 

Living Courageous Even When the Darkness Lingers

I know I'm still in a "low" when I can't sleep at night. 

It started after my babies - in that season when you finally get them to sleep and get comfortable enough to go to bed and they wake up. So I just stopped sleeping until I'd pass out, and then of course, they'd wake up again.

Now they sleep through the night and when I'm working through something I don't. Still. 

I wrote a 3 part blog called My Black Hole, then Part 2, and Part 3 in August/September of 2014. It was the most transparent I'd been about my battle with suicidal thoughts and clinical depression. 

Now, the revelations of that season bless me and comfort me. In Part 2 I talk about depression being like a rip current. How you can't fight it, you rest and slowly swim parallel to the shore. 

That's where I'm at right now. Swimming parallel to the shore knowing I will get back on the beach soon, In the past I had tremendous anxiety about getting back to shore, almost as much as as I had being out in the ocean. 

Today, I am peaceful, not fearful. I know what this feels like. I know it won't last. I know the Light in my tunnel. and I am confident I will not drown. I sense a deep work going on in my heart. A remodel of unknown detail taking place during this time of aching. 

I will get back in the pool tomorrow to continue my Ironman training and swim knowing the process in me is important to swim through. Savoring the process is KEY even if it is uncomfortable. 

To Live Courageous! is to embrace the process even in the darkness.