Showing posts with label suicidal thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label suicidal thoughts. Show all posts

Sunday, January 12, 2020

Just so you know, you're not alone...



Intense seasons produce intense responses in our home. I wish I could say my Love and I always communicate with patience, kindness and grace. But we don’t. We feel all the feels and express all the stuff.

ACTUAL cliff notes of Conversations THIS week – I’m not even kidding Monday – Sunday (today):

Chores and cash Some chores are paid, and others are not. If you want money, earn it. Grab a shovel and hit up the neighbors for work clearing snow, get your grades up because we’ll pay you for that too. A’s = $10, B’s = $5, C’s get you $0 and you will pay us $5 for D’s and $10 for F’s. Giving isn’t optional, it is mandatory. You can do more with 90% than you realize.

Family time – Games and Growth, connecting with each other is the point, even if it isn’t your favorite game. Cell phones remain a privilege. Social media is fine. And washing your hands with toothpaste for a Tik Tok video isn’t amusing to Dad and Mom if you make said video after your phone is supposed to be put away for the night and you’re supposed to be in bed.

The damaging effects of pornography – distorted understanding of intimacy and sexuality, every guy and girl in those pictures or videos is someone’s son or daughter, real people who have real purpose and value, and many are forced into that life under tragic and hideous circumstances. The adverse effects on their brains - the chemistry and addiction centers

Creating “costumes” that are not as funny as a teen brain might consider – poking fun at anyone different is NEVER funny. It speaks to your character – what you consider funny, who you could and will hurt, and how the ability to decide the appropriateness of a specific costume idea is severely compromised by age and experience.

The difference between suicidal thoughts and really just wanting to not do hard things – If you don’t really want to die, but you feel like you don’t want to deal with one more hard thing, you need to speak up. This is super important and more urgent than you think. It means you need help carrying your load and managing your heart and mind. It is only scary if you hold it in. Once you speak it out, some of the pain actually vanishes and the rest is shared with Dad or Mom, so you don’t have to deal with it alone. If you or someone you know wants to die - this is an EMERGENCY - Ask for help right away.

What really loving someone you don’t know looks like – daily choices of kindness, words of encouragement, making eye contact and smiling, and choosing the path of erring on the side of honoring people because they matter, not because they’ve earned it.

Randomness Category – discussions about sex drive, not-so-funny memes, and things that make me laugh on the inside, but I dare not snicker a bit lest they think its okay to repeat to someone outside of our nest.

Focusing on sexual identity – students who are stating they are LGBTQ as young as 11 are to be loved and focused on as people. To be clear, none of our guys struggle with caring about these dear ones. The questions come from their interpretation of how much of life is defined by your sexual identity. The struggle, wrestling with that aspect of identity doesn’t change the need for love, support and encouragement. Regardless of how they identify, that is not how they are defined. All are dear treasures created by God for powerful purpose and destiny.


So, in case that wasn’t enough, I am late getting my paper due this week because I have chosen many of these conversations over research and paper writing. I have emailed with school staff regarding learning challenges, issues relating to the above conversations, and setting up the annual meeting for Individual Education Plan (IEP) for one of our fellas. The other two 504 behavior plan meetings have been checked off the list for this year but follow up psych testing is on the calendar as of this week and counseling still to be booked.

Almost 700 words shared on the intensity of this week and it barely scratches the surface. These are mere cliff notes and not full conversations so if you find yourself concerned about the welfare of our children from what you’ve read, be assured they are not in danger and we regularly pursue professional assistance, exercise, belly laughs, inside jokes, mostly healthy eating, occasional swearing, and regular prayers of both gratitude and desperation.

May you receive this with the purpose for which it was written: You are not alone in things being hard. They are. Relationships are full of messy and painful conversations and opportunities to lean in and connect or disconnect and walk away. We are doing our best and grateful for your prayers. Thank you for your kindness in not judging or analyzing our function or malfunctions. Much Love from the trenches!

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Living Courageous Even When the Darkness Lingers

I know I'm still in a "low" when I can't sleep at night. 

It started after my babies - in that season when you finally get them to sleep and get comfortable enough to go to bed and they wake up. So I just stopped sleeping until I'd pass out, and then of course, they'd wake up again.

Now they sleep through the night and when I'm working through something I don't. Still. 

I wrote a 3 part blog called My Black Hole, then Part 2, and Part 3 in August/September of 2014. It was the most transparent I'd been about my battle with suicidal thoughts and clinical depression. 

Now, the revelations of that season bless me and comfort me. In Part 2 I talk about depression being like a rip current. How you can't fight it, you rest and slowly swim parallel to the shore. 

That's where I'm at right now. Swimming parallel to the shore knowing I will get back on the beach soon, In the past I had tremendous anxiety about getting back to shore, almost as much as as I had being out in the ocean. 

Today, I am peaceful, not fearful. I know what this feels like. I know it won't last. I know the Light in my tunnel. and I am confident I will not drown. I sense a deep work going on in my heart. A remodel of unknown detail taking place during this time of aching. 

I will get back in the pool tomorrow to continue my Ironman training and swim knowing the process in me is important to swim through. Savoring the process is KEY even if it is uncomfortable. 

To Live Courageous! is to embrace the process even in the darkness.