Opposites Attract - An Essay

I am in school studying for my Bachelor of Science degree in Healthcare Administration and Management through Colorado State University - Global. My Applied Leadership Principles class has been very interesting and challenging. This essay earned me 100% but more than that, it really caused me to dial in tight to the perspective of how important it is my Love and I work together to raise our sons. (the highlighted parts are apparently where I copied and pasted and it shows up on this background, sorry about that.)

Opposites Attract – Management and Leadership at Home

Jennifer Bogdanowicz

18 WB (ORG300-10) – Applying Leadership Principles

 Colorado State University – Global Campus

January 27, 2019

 Opposites Attract – Management and Leadership at Home

We have been married for over 27 years. We are opposite in almost every way. We have a few things we are passionate about together and that is our middle ground. We agreed years ago to prioritize our marriage first, raising our sons, flying hot air balloons, and serving our community. We give generously, fight hard and laugh even harder.  We combine our efforts and extremely different skill sets to manage and to lead in our home. We have agreed we want to create a family culture of empowerment, encouragement and resilience. The way we approach the creation of that culture is extremely different.

I appreciated the plows vs. bulldozers analogy because it paints an accurate picture of our contrasting management and leadership styles (Rao, 2016). Erik’s bulldozer-like ability to power through resistance and obstacles is effective and gets the job done. There is a clarity and intensity to his purpose and focus that I admire. His hard leadership skills increase pressure, production, and perseverance to get to the desired result. My soft leadership skills bring a cultivating perspective, like a plow drawing to the surface great potential for positive, transformative, and creative results (Rao, 2016).

Management

Erik exercises executive, administrative, and supervisory direction of our family (Bârgau, 2015). When it comes to empowering, encouraging, and building resilience in our sons, he is very clear about his expectations and specific about the goals to be achieved. He manages our budget, researches and shops carefully for necessary equipment for our family, studies for his commercial pilots license and somehow manages to get our laundry done too. He finishes every task he starts. He believes “early is on time and on time is late.” He is methodical about teaching our sons how to work our hot air balloon burners, fan, and other flight equipment. He is precise when it comes to repairs and adjustments needed in our home. He expects the boys to do a thorough job of every task they are assigned. If they don’t meet his standard, there is a price to be paid. There is no cruelty, only accountability and follow through. The pressure to produce quality men who will take responsibility for themselves and their families weighs heavy on him. He is also an excellent teacher at our local mountain’s free ski school and was awarded Instructor of the Year two years ago. On the mountain I’ve heard him use soft and hard leadership techniques that could also be utilized more at home.

He consistently provides opportunities for our sons to advance in learning, take calculated risks and keep moving forward even when it’s hard. I particularly valued the insight about the benefits of high involvement management practices of information sharing, power sharing, skill development, and recognition that improve employee commitment because, while our boys aren’t his employees, that is what it looks like in our home (Doucet, Lapalme, Simard, & Tremblay, 2015). This stretches his soft leadership skills and has continued to be an opportunity for growth. For example, he took each of our sons on a ski trip in 5^th grade. They discussed when, where, and what they would need to do to be at the skill level they would need to be to ski whatever runs they wanted. Each trip was both a challenge and reward for each son and their dad.

Leadership

I lead with the soft leadership skills mentioned by Rao (2016). I see our sons and their time in our home as precious and factor in their personality, behaviors, and attitudes in my instructions to them frequently. It is important to me that they recognize the value of their contribution to our family life. I believe time needs to be used wisely, but must be flexible to accommodate communication needs. I collaborate with them, teach creative ways to approach and accomplish tasks, and focus on the long term results I pray for – wise, kind, respectful men who will care passionately about their wives, families and community.

I cultivate empowerment, encouragement and resilience in our sons by being in their processes with them with my soft leadership skills (Rao, 2016). I remind them of their capabilities from things they have completed with excellence in the past, I motivate them to move forward into their goals and dreams by being persistent and committed. This support looks different for each son.

Our oldest son swims on the high school swim team. Early in the season he wanted to give up because it was extremely difficult to practice in the open water. I reminded him of how often he swam throughout the summer in the same place and how his capability was not an issue. He needed to be reminded of the courage he contains and the abilities he already has. He didn’t quit the team, instead he improved his times consistently throughout the season and his dad and I were there to cheer him on. Our middle son has always been very charismatic and gains a lot of attention with his witty sense of humor. Some adjustments were needed early in the school year to remind him of his academic and personal goals. We collaborated on solutions involving improvement of focus for his grades, his classmates needs, he recognized that a funny student with As gets treated differently than one with Ds and the importance of timing and self-control in the classroom environment. Our youngest son has struggled with his new teacher this year who is also new to teaching. She is quite gifted, as is he, and it took some careful negotiating to come to agreement with him on how his behavior can affect the students and staff around him. I reminded him of the many times he has courageously navigated making adjustments to fit in to a new classroom each year. I encouraged him to consider the benefits of pursuing his goals in conjunction with his grades. We agreed it would take hard work and persistence to make the needed changes, but in the end it would be worth it.

Our Strengths and Weaknesses

Each individual scenario took time and energy to work through. I see where my strengths of leadership shine and also how my weaknesses in management glare when it comes to how long it takes to make the necessary modifications soft leadership requires. My leadership style can accommodate conflict and differences of opinion. Erik’s management style does not have much room for those things and when they arise, so there is often a significant issue. How we work together to solve those issues is also a source of challenge since we want to apply our skill sets to the situation. It often requires us to back out of the ruts of our comfortable skills and move into the middle ground areas of shared priorities, combine our skill sets, recognizing they are complimentary processes and move forward (Bârgau, 2015). We choose to have the boys present when we face these challenges so they can learn about handling differences and conflicts with the skills we both taught them. I am confident we could not produce our desired results of empowered, encouraged and resilient sons with only his management and hard leadership skills or my leadership and soft leadership skills.

Conclusion

Our contrasted efforts to raise our sons with shared focus and different skill sets reminds us regularly that we have to work together to produce optimal results. Our boys will make their own choices as they grow. We hope our commitment to manage and lead as a team will give them the courage to embrace their own skills for management and leadership as well as find friends and a partner with valuable contrasting abilities.

References

Bârgau, M. (2015). LEADERSHIP VERSUS MANAGEMENT. Romanian Economic and Business Review, 10(2), 197-204. Retrieved from https://csuglobal.idm.oclc.org/login?url=https://search-proquest-com.csuglobal.idm.oclc.org/docview/1700066847?accountid=38569

Doucet, O., Lapalme, M., Simard, G., & Tremblay, M. (2015). High involvement management practices as leadership enhancers. International Journal of Manpower, 36(7), 1058-1071. doi:http://dx.doi.org.csuglobal.idm.oclc.org/10.1108/IJM-10-2013-0243

Rao, M. S. (2016). Hard versus soft leadership? examples and illustrations. Strategic HR Review, 15(4), 174-179. Retrieved from https://csuglobal.idm.oclc.org/login?url=https://search-proquest-com.csuglobal.idm.oclc.org/docview/1850797110?accountid=38569

Messy Monday:Big Purge, Mom's Depression, and Picking Up

Messy Monday includes a lot of mess this week. I have spent huge chunks of time this past week, conquering the stomach flu and a head cold, getting rid of a crazy amount of unnecessary paperwork and purging bins of "special" items.

Big Purge: My sweet Sophie was not grateful for my attention being divided between her and all the stuff. She walked on it, through it, and lay down in the middle of it several times.

Going through old paperwork brings up the past fairly effectively. My letters of recommendation, a letter of termination, an annual report I wrote for the county commissioners, a letter of "forgiveness" from someone who held me responsible for something I didn't do, and medical documentation of my 75 day and 145 day migraines.

There were love notes from my kids, hubby, parents, etc., countless notes I've taken from classes and sermons, certificates of completion, notebooks, journals, and cards - I cannot bring myself to throw cards away. It seems ridiculous. Until I read a letter written by my grandmother when I was in college. She died many years ago. I love seeing her handwriting, hearing her heart for me, and savoring the memories. So, the cards and letters get kept.

Special Items that got tossed- this handmade middle school kiln fired art that hung in my grandparents house from 1982-2017. I took this picture. Then, I threw it away.

And coupons. I am a coupon hoarder. The amount of coupons I have had to throw away because they expired is soooo lame. Like this one...












 Mom's Depression: I found this. I am not sure what kid made this, but, having spent most of their lives battling depression, it makes me sad and blesses me at the same time. Depression is real. It affects the whole family. I ache over the fact that my littles felt like they had to remind me to be happy. But, it was so sweet of them. Many times they comforted me. It's a hard thing to admit or look back on. But, it is their history, their reality, their past. I am glad I finally got the help I needed to make it their past and not their future with me.


Picking Up: See my shoes? My laptop cover? Yeah, I leave them out. My kids don't put their shoes away unless their Dad tells them to. I can't bring myself to always put stuff away. Pathetic but true. When wives complain about how they have to clean up after their husbands all the time, I almost feel bad that my Love is the one who usually picks up after me. Almost.

WHEN Do You Live Your Dreams?

Today's prompt has so many possibilities on where to take it.

One of the things I've been asked the most often since my Love has been a hot air balloon pilot is WHEN do you get to live your dreams?

Here's the thing:

I am.

I have dreamed of having a husband, a family, a family sport/focus my whole life. I love horses and I have always wanted to get back into that, but I am not missing anything - or any part of me. WHEN I'm driving the chase truck, predicting where he's headed next, getting the truck and trailer into and out of crazy places, figuring out how to pack out the balloon from a barbed wire fenced field without damaging it or us, and backing up the trailer like a bad ass I am living my dreams.

***********

WHEN I wept over infertility, lost our baby, decided to do a triathlon or five, my friends were there. One in particular is on my mind today. It's her birthday and I can't stop thinking about her impact on my life. She's always supported, encouraged and told me the truth. She has taught me it's not about how you feel about something, its about what you are committed to. She inspires me to be better. I dreamed of that. Having people in my life to push me to be the best me WHEN I want to quit on what's important to me.

WHEN you surround yourself with people who love you, encourage you, and inspire you, you ARE living your dreams. Every.day.

ASK - 2 Key Questions for Relationships

Yesterday I wrote about my great friend who says, Talk to me! all the time.

That same friend has taught me and my Love to ASK two questions that changed the way we communicate with each other, our kids and the people around us.

What do you need?

How can I help?

ASKing those questions when someone is stressed, angry, tired, sad, or scared communicate to them they aren't in this situation alone.

For our marriage, it communicates compassion and support. With our kids, it helps them know we hear them and want to be helpful, not against them or dismissive of them. For our friends, it reminds them, we want to be there for them.

One word of caution - Follow through. If they answer the question, be prepared to do what they've asked of you. This will build trust that you really mean what you've said, they aren't in it alone.

Five Minute Friday Free Write number 14!

Five Minute Friday: PRAISE God We're Still Married!

Today's Five Minute Friday Prompt is PRAISE.

I've been pondering that word since it posted last night and honestly, all I can think of is:

PRAISE God We're Still Married!

In keeping with my commitment to transparent honesty, I've decided to be real about how freaking hard my hubby and I work to stay married.

We have fought our whole marriage. Like, our WHOLE marriage. We have windows of peace and we make each other laugh usually every day at least once, but we fight:

- How clean is "clean"
- What is important after God, each other, family and friends
- When too much is too much - time or money spent on something/someone
- Who is working the hardest - at our relationship, around the house, with the kids, etc.
- Who is in charge
- What we should spend time or money on
- Who is being too hard on the kids - we trade off, so this is always different

If there is a fight to be had, we've had it.
The main themes are: Vying for Power/Control and being Offended by each others attitudes or responses (real or perceived). This BOOK has been a huge blessing regarding being offended.

I'd love to say we'd matured enough over the years to not fight (some of the above aren't an issue anymore) but we still do. Where the maturity comes in - the recovery time. I go from. "I cannot do this for the rest of my life!" to "Well, I'm not easy to live with either!"

This verse we picked to be our life verse for our marriage has proven to be Truth in ways we never imagined we would need it to be. Guarding our hearts and minds against the pressures, temptations, pain, suffering and challenges is no small feat. When I've felt vulnerable, this verse has tucked me into God. It has saved my life at times.

Happy 27th Anniversary Erik! I'm so glad we fight together FOR our marriage. I PRAISE God for making you exactly the way you are and I am grateful you love me, exactly the way I am. I love you.

HOW Am I Going To Do This?!

Today's Five Minute Free Write prompt is the word HOW. (Honestly, this was pretty hard to admit to, so it took me more like 10-15 minutes to push it out of my brain/heart and into my fingertips. It was easier to post my blog yesterday of me in a sports bra and cycling shorts!

It seemed like an odd prompt to me at first... then I had this thought:

I'm sure I've literally wondered "HOW am I going to do THIS?!" thousands of times.

The first 7 years we had kids, after 12 years without, my Love traveled. Every Sunday night I'd cry as he left. Every Friday when he got home we'd be happy to see each other and by Saturday morning we were fighting (if not Friday evening) - struggling for control of the family, trying to communicate without being offended or defensive and trying to have quality family time. It was so freaking hard! Every facet of our lives stirred up this question.

Make peace with not knowing HOW. Lean in to the One who loves you. 

Every year parenting escalates in challenge and I wonder again, almost daily, HOW am I going to do THIS?! No one can warn you about this part of parenting. It has to be experienced to be understood. It is similar to the intensity of marriage but different.

The answer: I CAN'T. I can't do it. Not in my own power, with my own self to depend on for positive results. Maybe other people can. But, not me.

If I didn't press hard into my relationship with God communicating daily my concerns, fears, crazy random self-condemning thoughts, I would be a total wreck. I'm not even kidding. Clinical depression, hormonal malfunctions, insanely long marathon migraines, a husband that is the complete opposite of me, three sons who have 504 behavior plans or IEPs (Individual Education Plans), and a lifelong battle with obesity, force me to draw near to the only One who knows HOW to help me do Love, Laughter, and Life, every day even if it is hard.

Messy Monday: My Happy Place, Master Bedroom, Wife-ing, and My Newest Hero

The Car Wash. It smells of rainbows and happiness. My family laughs at me when I say I'm going to My Happy Place. I can't see anything, hear anything or do much of anything in this magical sudsy swishy world. It scrubs the bug guts, road residue, and general driving dirt of my pretty white truck. Some day I will have to write about my awesomely nicknamed Mighty White. She sounds super mighty with her new louder muffler!

I was taught years ago that the first room to be cleaned in my house should be the Master Bedroom. I completely agree, but don't do it all the time. Do you always do everything you've been taught? If so, don't judge me... 

The reason your supposed to do it - to treat your "together" space as sacred. It should be free of clutter, distractions and stress. The reason I don't do it all the time - it's the place that I am safest to fall apart, be messy and procrastinate in a way that is relatively harmless.  

My "Desk"

Bed Pillow Staging Area with fuzzy friends

Pillows staged, fuzzy friends put upright, and tidiness established (in this corner).

I mostly love being a wife. My husband, he is my world. I've learned to love him in ways I never imagined I could love, forgiven in ways I never realized I needed to forgive, and worked harder alongside him than I never knew I'd need to.
We remain a work in progress and if I dedicated an entire year of Messy Mondays to our marriage I might scratch the surface of the massive messiness we have navigated together. We are hot-headed, strong-willed, and even have opposing favorite football teams (Broncos vs. Cowboys). We live loud, pray hard, and laugh a lot.

The things I do to love him well:
Choosing to keep my mouth shut, wait patiently for God to move in areas I have no control over, and live with him in such a way that I don't break the masterpiece (him) being built alongside me.

Forgiving in ways I never realized I'd need to forgive means:
I have to forgive him and myself for not being who I thought we should be. The first 10 years of our marriage I spent trying to change him into whoever I thought I should have for my husband (like I knew?!). The next 10 I spent trying to convince him (more myself) that we were going to survive raising kids together with very different family histories and perspectives. This past 7 years, I've focused on forgiving myself and him for past wounds, ridiculous fights, and the pain of not meeting each other's expectations in big ways and small.

For us, marriage is really messy work. This means:
Giving each other the space to grow, become, and expand horizons while not losing the connection in our marriage. When we are in sync, all is well, peaceful and encouraging. When we are out of sync, life is painful, overwhelming and discouraging. When we are at peace with each other and not wrestling with God over the circumstances we are facing, there is a core level peace that feels clean, tidy even - until it's not.

When we see things from opposite angles, find opposing solutions to perceived or real problems, and for me, when the slimy goo of fear pushes in like a sludgy wave of doubt over my own capabilities, strife happens. It squeezes with a vice-like grip choking my faith in us to come out of it on the other side. This is when we do the intense, stinky, gritty work of being married. We take a breath, remind each other (we take turns on this, somehow) we are on the same team and talk (or yell - just keeping it real here) until we find the common ground - what is best for our family.

We only work this hard to be married because we both firmly believe its worth doing. We also have a great counselor for when we get stuck in deep muck and can't find the high ground. We have learned to share our disasters as needed with others to encourage them to hang on and do the work, because it truly is worth the effort. The picture below is a pose we have been striking since we first got together almost 28 years ago. Looking at this picture alone might make you think we've dialed in the whole marriage thing. Ha! Nope! We just aren't going to quit working (shoveling, mopping, scrubbing...) on it.

This is me. No makeup because, like I said in Friday's post, I deal with anxiety and menopause. Preparing to go to a very fancy wedding (for people I love - I wish that made it easier) kept me dripping and hot flashing all afternoon. Also, our oldest son was going to his first Homecoming Dance and I was going to be at the wedding, not using my telephoto lens to capture every last detail of this big "First". The eyes shut picture my Love snapped makes me laugh because he caught a moment when I just didn't want to be seen. I closed my eyes. See me? Nope, because I can't see you - just like a baby playing peek-a-boo, right?!

Then, I look at my Big Boy. He's becoming a man. His growing, voice-cracking, facial hair sprouting self makes me hold my breath sometimes. Did we teach him enough? Will he be able to figure it out on his own, all these new situations and events he's facing? Will his educational and life challenges hold him back or compel him to push forward? Parenting him is super messy because he's the oldest - the one who becomes the test subject for all parenting experiments and ideas. I have no idea what's next for him.

I do know this. I love him and he loves me. He's a promise from God fulfilled, in the flesh. The goofy, loud, opinionated, Geico commercial quoting man-cub standing next to me is becoming my newest hero.