Messy Monday: Fear SUCKS!

Fear SUCKS
the joy
the peace
the hope
the energy
the vision
the purpose
the focus
out of life.

I woke up with what felt very much like a nightmare this morning. I've studied dream interpretation for years so I am still sorting out the message in it. I know there is one, but for now, I'm using it to get back to my Messy Monday blogging.

Things are going pretty great right now.

And I am scared!

I have become so used to navigating shocking, painful, and challenging life, that I am struggling deeply with the reprieve.

I don't trust the rest.

Living with clinical depression with a side order of obnoxious levels of anxiety forces a hyper-vigilance that when there is a reprieve, I'm left floundering for something to freak out about.

Ridiculous waste of rest.

Experience tells me things will be hard again, in one way or another, because the normal ebb and flow of life happens that way. The irony is, just a few weeks ago I was talking with a friend who struggles with similar things and I was encouraging her to just rest and be.

I can look at this season as a temporary stay of execution fretting over impending doom yet unknown, or I can look at it like recess, an opportunity to take a break from the growing, learning, and stretching, to play hard, laugh more, and make space for resting and being present in this moment.

I pick recess!

I took my big guys on an overnight getaway during their spring break.
The sun shined so we put the top down on the convertible
and soaked up the rays, even though it was a bit chilly.

Five Minute Free Write: HOPE in What?

I have been pondering this prompt since late last night, contemplating HOPE and what it means - to me. And how to capture that in 5 minutes! Yikes! But, that's the challenge I'm leaning in to this month. Here I ...

GO. 

My HOPE is in God. Theology will only get a girl so far, I've found. Relationship, built over time in victories, losses, grief, celebrations, and struggle, that is where the rubber hits the HOPE road for me. Anyone can tell me what they think of God, the relevance, crutch, etc. but no words, attitudes or worries change what I know to be true by my own personal experience. 

I grew up in the church, yes, but again, like theology, it only got me so far. Sunday school, youth group, and retreats are great, but without my own encounters with God, it would not have done me much good. 

My HOPE is that you will be willing to have your own personal encounter with God. There is Love to be found that is yours to experience. 

STOP.

I drew this when I needed HOPE. It came out of an encounter I had with God. 

Writing with the Five Minute Friday group every day in October. 

Messy Monday:Teeth Marks, Home Decor, and Rewards

This is my third Messy Monday post and it is likely to be just barely still Monday when I finish it. It's been a heck of a week. Not bad or good depending on your definition of those terms, but for sure MESSY!

Teeth Marks:  I grew up in Southern California on a hillside with tons of field mice. One year my Barbie case housed my Barbie, her accessories, and a large family of mice. We didn't find out until after the smell and the holes revealed their invasion of Barbie's space.

When I found this, in our garage, I had a flashback to my childhood Barbie case/nest. I'm not going to lie, I gagged a little.

Battling anxiety daily, I find this disturbing. Who knows when those nasty critters will invade?

Seriously though, freaking about what COULD happen before it does or doesn't is just a ridiculous waste of time and energy (see below for another example of ridiculousness), or that's what my counselor Bob says...

Home Decor: I love having a table with decorations on it for the current season (looking at this picture it looks like a sea anemone has taken up residence-but it's a beautiful handmade wooden bowl with fake mums).

I am currently re-working my business model and clarifying what I do for people when I meet with them. This re-working is happening in my head, electronically, in spiral notebooks and now all over my dining room table. I love Donald Miller's StoryBrand system, but like everything else I do, it's MESSY.

Is anyone else out there decorating for an emergency? If anyone in our house or visiting needs to run out the door, we are prepared for just about anything. The cleats, boots, sneakers and goggles are all within easy reach. Up until a week ago there was a gift bag full of tampons and a recycled bag full of corning ware. We've decided to start scaling back on our emergency supplies, I mean decorations...

Reward: #1 (Unintentional ridiculous time waster)

One of our favorite foods is Hatch Chiles grown in New Mexico. According to Pinterest, anyone can roast, steam/cool, peel, seed, and eat them. I bought some thinking I could do that! The smell of roasting them was super yummy and I felt excited and motivated to bust out some awesome flavors! Then, I cover them and let them steam as they cool. YIKES! 

Not only are they ugly looking floppy things but, if you don't have gloves and have to use plastic bags on your hands to remove skin, seeds, stems, and the veiny stuff inside, they are a total pain the butt! I did it, but honestly, they are on a plate in the back of the fridge in a baggie because I have no idea if they turned out like anything good or not. Reward of tasty roasted chilies squished and shredded like the skin of the peppers! This was a slimy, messy, annoying experience. I don't recommend it, unless you have gloves and are extremely motivated.  

Reward #2
My reward this week for surviving our man-cubs teen years was an apple fritter and a couple episodes of Jane the Virgin (the reason for my affection for this show is for another time). But, the reason for the apple fritter, I will explain.

Once you have escaped the toddler years and your cubs become school age, you can peacefully nibble on the donut of your choice without begging, pleading, crying, wailing and reminders you have to S-H-A-R-E. I did buy my cubs their own donut but they always wanted some of mine. Now, I buy the donut after they are deposited at school. I buy one. To eat with my HOT coffee. It is a rare delight worth indulging from time to time.

Being an overweight woman, buying a donut comes with a GIANT bucket size serving of shame. This is nonsense, but still embedded in my being. This will be another blog at some point. I wanted to mention it in case you feel it too.

Reward #3 

Finishing books. Man-cubs in bed. My Love sleeping/snoring beside me. Grab one from the stack of started-not-yet-finished and get it done! But this one. It bit me at the end. The challenge he threw down torqued me more than any books I've read or listened to in a while. A different kind of bucket list. I won't ruin his do-something-with-what-you've-learned punchline but, damnit. I can't stop thinking about it. I finished the book, but he "STARTed SOMETHING" in me that I have to finish now. Sigh. I'll write about that too. Meanwhile, get your own copy. 

Most of my Messy Monday points this week were about the tension I feel about unanswered stuff:

Will the mice come in the house? 

Will this new business model help me help more people? 

Will anyone in my family need to run from the house grabbing cleats and googles at the same time? 

Will I ever stop believing Pinterest has my best interests in mind?

Will the shame of buying a donut ever go away?

Will I have the guts to follow through on the challenge at the end of this book?

This week's blog is about messy stuff, not relationships. But, in my experience, learning how not to freak out at the messy stuff, helps you practice for not freaking out as badly when relationships get messy.