Messy Monday: Who Determines Your Value? Part 1

I talked about VALUE in my Five Minute Friday post last week and said I might bring it up again today because it is a HUGE part of what I believe changes and challenges to become the best people we can be. In becoming the best people we can be we need to keep in mind when and where we began to understand our value.

Who Determines Your Value?

Is it someone in your family? A parent? A child? A spouse? A friend? A lover? An ex __ ? God?

If you were raised in a Christian home like I was, where having a relationship with God was  discussed on a regular basis, your automatic response might be: "God is the one who determines my value." That's what I would have said.

Before.

Before my automatic response was assaulted by heartbreak, pain, lies, and exposure of things covered I didn't even think to look for.

The real answer comes in a long process; of discovering the things (and people) I'd given so much power to, so much of my value to, exposing the lies I believed about myself, and chronic pain in one form or another took a toll on my belief systems, and left me with a limp in my core. And I'm okay with that.

This limp I have, this is how I see you. How I hear you. How I come to know you.

I could start at the first place I knew my value was determined - My parents. But that would make for a long story. My parents weren't perfect, but they loved me, loved my sister and loved each other, even when it was ridiculously painful and hard to do so.

I had one constant friend who was strong, opinionated, cared about me, had parents that cared about me, and I let her take the lead in my value determination for a season (it was never her intent, I didn't know it either, at the time). This relationship stands out from the others because it was consistent.



Our almost 40 years of friendship remains intact and I treasure it now more than ever before. We had the backdrop of horses and horse shows, The Police (the band) obsessing, stirrup pants wearing, spiked hair styling, and parents who passionately loved us both. We grew together, we grew apart, we grew up and we talked then and now about the REAL life challenges we face along the way.

Here is what I learned from her: Don't quit. Don't be afraid. Details matter. No one but me should determine my value. 

Another key person to shape my value was a boy friend who became a boyfriend. Hanging out, talking late and cracking each other up, we were buddies. It seemed like we both knew the "right people" at school but didn't quite fit in, but we always fit together. I loved his family. He loved mine.

Once in college, a horseback riding accident of mine alerted him to deeper feelings and we became a couple. He was the first guy, besides my Daddy, to make me feel like I was a treasure to be protected and loved. We were a great team, friends forever for sure, but I didn't believe I would be good enough for him. It was sad. We were used to leaning on our friendship, and while we still cared deeply for each other we knew moving on was important.

Now, we're friends, from a distance. The kind of distance that is proper for both of us who have been married over twenty years to other people. I have tremendous peace the right choice was made, but sometimes, when the right song comes on, I can flash back to he and I in the "banana-mobile" rocking out over the healthy loud rumble of its motor.

What I learned from him: You can be a badass and be kind (he was an athlete AND a nice guy). I deserve to be respected. Relationships are better when they start as friends. Don't give up.

I had several other wonderful friendships during these seasons of life, but when I looked back on WHO shaped my understanding of my value, these two were key. I challenge you to write down what you learned from at least two of the people who were powerful influences in your life before you turned 21.

Are you wondering how I ended up with a limp in my soul? Tune in next week for Messy Monday: Who Determines Your Value Part 2.

Five Minute Friday: VALUE

The Five Minute Friday Prompt today is VALUE. This topic is dear to my heart. I may revisit it on this week's Messy Monday because this key piece of self awareness can change your ability to love the life you live.

People are rose petals in the grass of life.
Your VALUE is vibrant (even if you didn't get out of bed today)!

Do you think your VALUE increases or decreases based on what you do or don't do?

1) Do you wonder if you were only different/better the people around you would be happier?
2) Do you feel lost or anxious when you aren't accomplishing something?

What do you do about it?

1) Make a mantra you can recite every time you feel like you have little to no VALUE.
     For example: "I have great value because I am loved and I love others."
2) Ask yourself if your friend or family member did/didn't do what you you did, would you talk to them the same way you talk to yourself?

Most of us grow up believing our VALUE fluctuates based on what we do or don't do. I'm here to tell you it does not. How do I know? The Creator says so. I don't have time to elaborate since my 5 minutes are up, but this is something I know based on decades of experiences of being loved and loving others.

Messy Monday:Big Purge, Mom's Depression, and Picking Up

Messy Monday includes a lot of mess this week. I have spent huge chunks of time this past week, conquering the stomach flu and a head cold, getting rid of a crazy amount of unnecessary paperwork and purging bins of "special" items.

Big Purge: My sweet Sophie was not grateful for my attention being divided between her and all the stuff. She walked on it, through it, and lay down in the middle of it several times.

Going through old paperwork brings up the past fairly effectively. My letters of recommendation, a letter of termination, an annual report I wrote for the county commissioners, a letter of "forgiveness" from someone who held me responsible for something I didn't do, and medical documentation of my 75 day and 145 day migraines.

There were love notes from my kids, hubby, parents, etc., countless notes I've taken from classes and sermons, certificates of completion, notebooks, journals, and cards - I cannot bring myself to throw cards away. It seems ridiculous. Until I read a letter written by my grandmother when I was in college. She died many years ago. I love seeing her handwriting, hearing her heart for me, and savoring the memories. So, the cards and letters get kept.

Special Items that got tossed- this handmade middle school kiln fired art that hung in my grandparents house from 1982-2017. I took this picture. Then, I threw it away.

And coupons. I am a coupon hoarder. The amount of coupons I have had to throw away because they expired is soooo lame. Like this one...












 Mom's Depression: I found this. I am not sure what kid made this, but, having spent most of their lives battling depression, it makes me sad and blesses me at the same time. Depression is real. It affects the whole family. I ache over the fact that my littles felt like they had to remind me to be happy. But, it was so sweet of them. Many times they comforted me. It's a hard thing to admit or look back on. But, it is their history, their reality, their past. I am glad I finally got the help I needed to make it their past and not their future with me.


Picking Up: See my shoes? My laptop cover? Yeah, I leave them out. My kids don't put their shoes away unless their Dad tells them to. I can't bring myself to always put stuff away. Pathetic but true. When wives complain about how they have to clean up after their husbands all the time, I almost feel bad that my Love is the one who usually picks up after me. Almost.