Over My Head

For 38 days I have been dealing with a non-stop migraine. I've taken advice, been to ERs, spent the night in the hospital, shots in the butt, had full workups on my heart and head, natural medicine, acupuncture, chiropractic, massage, exercise, spiritual, psychiatric, emotional, you name it, I've done it. I still have another month to wait to see the headache specialist neurologist (yes, I'm on the cancellation list).

I couldn't see how my current situation reflected anything "courageous".
But then it occurred to me that sharing this might be:

Who I am -- Tenacious courageous woman hanging by the frayed end of the knot of my cope rope.
What I'm walking through --- Constant pain affecting every aspect of my ability to function
When - Every.single.day.
Where I am -- Desperately missing my life
Why - No one has ANY idea. There are literally thousands of thoughts, opinions and possibilities. I've heard most of them. It's too much. It will be figured out when it is. I'm working every angle and possibility that I have energy for at any given moment.

HOW am I going to deal with this?
Push through the pain.
Push away the pain medicine.
Push into hope.
Receive the help I've been given.
Receive the love provided for me.
Receive the purpose of this experience for strengthening not destruction.

To Live Courageous! is to NOT GIVE UP. To make a plan. To believe nothing awful lasts forever and even the good stuff may pass, but it will come again.

And to know that just because there is a setback, that doesn't mean you can't come back stronger, faster, smarter and better than you ever have been. I'm counting on it.

Live Courageous! means MOVE FORWARD

Over my head in migraine pain, longing, begging for answers, craving some sort of “normalcy” to return. What does courage look like in moments like these? I’m not exactly sure for every day, but for today I think it looks like:

Sticking with my super clean protein shake, coffee, water, chamomile tea, listening to a sermon preached by a friend, worship sent by another, advice from another, praying for others in deeper challenges than I am, and writing.

I am supposed to be training for the Half Ironman just a little over four months away and I still have yet to get a solid week of training in. Sick kids, sinus and ear infections, migraines, travel, you name it, it’s encroached upon my plans to meet this goal I’ve had for four years. Many don’t believe I can do it. Several want me to but aren't sure I can finish. Some are convinced I can do it, even this late in the training season. Others don’t want me to try. 

I choose to MOVE FORWARD. Because that is what I firmly believe changes things.
MOVE FORWARD.

I share all this with you, so you know, that when I choose to LIVE COURAGEOUS! it’s not because it’s easy for me either.

Find one way you can MOVE FORWARD today and list it in the comments below. I will cheer you on!

Blessings and love!
Jenn

Living Courageous Even When the Darkness Lingers

I know I'm still in a "low" when I can't sleep at night. 

It started after my babies - in that season when you finally get them to sleep and get comfortable enough to go to bed and they wake up. So I just stopped sleeping until I'd pass out, and then of course, they'd wake up again.

Now they sleep through the night and when I'm working through something I don't. Still. 

I wrote a 3 part blog called My Black Hole, then Part 2, and Part 3 in August/September of 2014. It was the most transparent I'd been about my battle with suicidal thoughts and clinical depression. 

Now, the revelations of that season bless me and comfort me. In Part 2 I talk about depression being like a rip current. How you can't fight it, you rest and slowly swim parallel to the shore. 

That's where I'm at right now. Swimming parallel to the shore knowing I will get back on the beach soon, In the past I had tremendous anxiety about getting back to shore, almost as much as as I had being out in the ocean. 

Today, I am peaceful, not fearful. I know what this feels like. I know it won't last. I know the Light in my tunnel. and I am confident I will not drown. I sense a deep work going on in my heart. A remodel of unknown detail taking place during this time of aching. 

I will get back in the pool tomorrow to continue my Ironman training and swim knowing the process in me is important to swim through. Savoring the process is KEY even if it is uncomfortable. 

To Live Courageous! is to embrace the process even in the darkness.